A Long Journey

November 17, 2015

It has been over one and half years since I lasted posted.  So much has happened over this spand of   time.  There was teaching Sunday School, going to soccer games, buying two new puppies and so much more!

 

Shortly following this we took a very nice road trip with our trailer to South Dakota, Wyoming, Utah, Colorado, and Arizona.  We had a great time and Bella was just precious.

 

 

 



We put our house up for sale and began to build OUR OWN house. Glenn never had built one and he had a dream of a house with a view.  And boy did we have one....looking over all of Russellville. We had a buyer for our old house and we moved, but she cancelled at closing leaving us high and dry.  So we waited until another buyer offered to buy it, and believe it or not, they cancelled at closing too. So we stopped everything and just moved back.  It was fairly clear to us this was not be meant to be.  So we moved back to our old home. We got the chance to live in it 2 months.  We still don't know why all of this turned out this way after much prayer and a year of it on the market.  It was even more uncomfortable because the first buyer we had was a prominent doctors mom in our community.  So it's taken a little bit of time to forgive and past the loss since our moving expenses were well over $10,000.00.

One of the reasons we became excited to relocate was to gain more light in our house.  So at the end of this month we are putting in a 4ft. x 4ft. skylight in the living room.  We're praying this will make  a huge difference.  It will be kind of messy for a few days but probably very worth it!

I am very lucky to have a sweet family and we have enjoyed so many fun activities at our present home.  There have been pool parties, Pumpkin parties, grandchildren night, and many more just around the corner.

And in the midst of all of this we added a new Yorkie male puppy to our family!

Check back to see what we're up to....................

Swimming in Circles

June 2015

Mike has been in heaven for almost five years now.  That is so difficult for me to say.  So difficult to accept.  There is this fear, the farther I get away from the day I last said goodbye to Mike, the farther away he is from me.  I don't want "time" between us.  I don't want to lose sight of him. Or memory of him.  Because already my mind tricks me into thinking he was never mine in the first place. That he never loved me. That we ever spent 35 years together, deeply in love. Brought two human beings into this world together.  Loved them as deeply as we did.  Developing uniqueness with our family by making special memories and traditions.  In moments, my mind tries to deny it ever existed.


It feels like when Mike departed, I not only lost him, but family too.  Every one of my relationships have changed.  I can't sort out if it has been me that has changed, them, or both.  I have wondered if I was only accepted before, because Mike held me in such high esteem.  That I was only good because he made me feel that way every day.


I lost what little self esteem I had. I seemed to have lost the ability to gauge relationships anymore.  I failed at conveying what my heart really felt. I reacted to the grief, and they were reacting to their relationships with me.  I made every effort I knew how, to look at all of this, and right what I could. Still there was a gaping hole.  I can't heal from the grief and still be expected to focus on peoples expectations of me.  So, as not to do anything to mess up life further, I find myself trying to hover in place, doing or saying nothing more to make anything worse. I just seem to have disappointed so many people while I have been grieving.


It's a lonely club to belong to.  And it hurts.  Deeply.  I have spent many days and hours with my therapist trying to find level.  I'm told grief is unique for each individual.  For some it may continue to feel just as intense as the day it began.  It isn't always a faith issue.  It is a loss. A different kind of loss than someone else may have had over the same person.  The loss is felt when I get into bed each night and when I wake up. The loss is felt when I try to recall a memory and blankly see that was in another lifetime. The loss is felt when my children act differently around me or don't find me as exciting to be around as they did when Mike was living. There is a loss of respect gone now, because I was vulnerable and fell into depression.  It had invaded my heart and mind, and kept me unstable. 


I made a premature decision to get remarried.  I was so afraid and so lonely after Mike died.  Many forgot that Mike's death happened over two and a half years.  Our conversations were not about our future.  Places we would go together in the future.  Grandchildren we would enjoy together. 


Our conversations were centered on keeping faith.  Looking for the miracle. Adapting to the fear.  Trying to find the courage to get updates and give them.  They were spent changing dressings, emptying bile bags, sitting in waiting rooms, listening to the worse news of our lives. They were lost trying to find something Mike would eat. Watching him break down and struggling. They were all about loss of weight, CT results, lab reports, and fears of hereditary markers for future generations. Worrying about missing work and income. Retelling the grueling news over and over again to those who asked for it directly. Crying together, and many times apart, with me alone,  trying to carry on day to day jobs and responsibilities.  I worried what in the world was I going to do. That was all normal.  


Glenn became a friend who had experienced similar loss.  He offered me his friendship and a place to live so I could keep my dogs when I moved.  He wanted to help me.  I knew I couldn't make this kind of move without marrying him.  He felt our feelings for each other would grow over time.  His insurance would pay for my medications and office visits if I married him.  I declined his offer many times.  But some counsel thought it was an answer to prayer and I entertained it.  I was so confused.  I was desperate filing for disability.  Desperate figuring out what to do with bills.  Fighting for what little life insurance was left.  Fighting for my dignity.  I wanted to take my little life story and crawl under a rock with it.  Then, being so tired and depressed, I let the pressure be taken away from me...in one moment, on January 1, 2011. And my life changed once again.

Issues with family became the focus.  Health issues for both of us developed.  It seemed like we were trying to put out fires all around us.  I was going to either sink or swim.  I tried sinking but that didn't go over so well.  I tried swimming but swam in circles.  I begged God to get me out of this pit.
I decided I couldn't control what other people felt, or what they expected of me.  I had to learn to let things be and do what I could, to stay in the right state of mind.  I set some healthy boundaries inwardly.  And I stopped accepting blame, that wasn't mine.  I may not be the exact same Beverly I was up to 2009, but the core is still here if I'm given a chance. It is their choice. They are setting the parameters.  I continue to lay it all out in front of God and let Him direct my steps from here on out.  One day in heaven, there will be a reunion that no one can deny me of.

Trying to Find Home

It feels like it has been years since I have been home.  I have spent so many months trying to find it since Mike's passing.  Of course, needing to leave the place Mike and I called "home" was a huge hurdle for me. It was where I felt safe.  It was where all of my memories where.



Trying to live in another woman's home has been another hurdle.  I have spent a lot of time rearranging furniture, which many may argue I do all the time with any way.  Still, we have painted, remodeled, added a pool, and planted many flower gardens.  Yet still....I feel more like a guest and pretty much lost.



I have come to realize it may never feel like home until I get to heaven.  I have changed.  My heart longs to be with Christ, where there is no more awkwardness, no more pain or sadness,  no more fear, no more loss, and where I will spend eternity with the One who makes me whole.  After all, for the Christian, this world is only a temporary dwelling place.


We are here for a purpose and God will not call us home until that purpose is fulfilled. I want so much for others to know God and share heaven with me one day, most especially my grandchildren.  So maybe my purpose is to love on them and share any part of my life with them until God says, "Okay child, come home!" Maybe it is to reach the children in my Sunday School class, and perhaps love on them, for they may not feel like that at home.



I haven't been graceful going on without Mike.  I have been devastated! I have been fractured! I have been depressed and unstable at times. I have been anxious and fearful.  Staying here one more minute was agony to me.  I just wanted all the pain to STOP!


I have made decisions since, that have had lasting effects, and which have added to my struggle.  It has been a very lonely journey at times, even amongst the presence of many people.


I continue to walk forward one day at a time, and sometimes take a step or two back.  But now, home isn't so much about where I am at.  It's a place where I accept what has taken place, and keeping my eyes on what lies ahead of me and go forward.  I want to complete Gods purpose.  I want to be at peace with all people as much as I am able.  I will set my eyes on my Savior, and follow Him HOME.






"For here we do not have a lasting city, but we are seeking the city which is to come".  Hebrews 13:14

What Was I Thinking?

Have you ever tried to do the right thing and end up making a mistake and feeling stupid?  I felt that way this past Saturday while stranded on a rock in the middle of the Buffalo River.


Floating down the river in a canoe was something Glenn wanted to experience but was told he was too old to try.  I often spoke of funny things that occurred when Mike, the kids and I had gone out on the river.  There were so many sweet memories, and the joy on my face recalling them, made Glenn only want the experience more.


I made a bad decision though last month and it couldn't be any more obvious than what happened on Saturday.  Trying to recall the names of the many places we had gone floating, the only one that came to my mind was Ponca.  Before I knew it, Glenn had made a reservation there and there was no turning back. 


After rethinking it, I talked Glenn into calling the Ponca station, to see if we could push off our trip a couple of weeks, otherwise we would have to forfeit our deposit. They agreed to two weeks which gave me a little more time to wrestle if we should proceed.  I had a bad feeling all the way there Saturday. 


The water was fast and high.  I had never seen things that way on any of the trips I had been on before, with the exception of the Mulberry  I knew we were in trouble.  Glenn had this huge smile on his face awaiting the adventure.


The first time we flipped left me freezing like I have never felt before.  The wind was so strong that it left "drying out" almost impossible.  I tried to grunt through it which made my goal to stay in the canoe my only focus.


I got down low in the canoe and tried to really sight out the rocks to help make our floating over the rapid a success.  But...almost four hours into the trip, we tried to avoid a rock just at the point when two different streams were gushing down together.  The tip of our canoe just barely caught the edge of a rock and got stuck. As we tried to rock ourselves off of it, the force of the water and wind, spun us around so quickly it threw me out, and then Glenn.  I made my way back to the front of the canoe but I couldn't get it to dislodge and the rocks were so slippery, I just kept falling trying to make it to shore.  I was worried the canoe would swing around and make any injuries to Glenn worse.


I stood there on the rock with water up to my hips and my legs so numb, I couldn't feel them anymore.  I didn't want to move because all I could see was disaster. Evidently, those around me thought I was in shock or maybe suffering hypothermia.


Several men stopped to help.  One walked out on the rock that tipped us, and began to try and rescue me.  Everyone's life was in jepordy and I felt so foolish.  Canoes were coming right at me as our canoe began to fold in two, wrapped around the rock.  I just wanted Glenn to get to shore so no further harm would come to him. 


Eventually, the men tied to ropes together and threw it out to the man on the rock near me.  They were wanting me to hang on to the rope and let the current pull me on down and hopefully to the shore, so I could climb out. I lost the rope that was in my left hand when one person let go accidently.  It sent me further down stream and everyone realized I still had the rope in my right hand.  The force of the river was so hard, all but two fingers kept me attached.  The rope finally slipped out of them and Glenn was able to catch it and hand it to me. Just like a man reeling in a large fish, several men pulled me to shore.


I was so cold I couldn't stand still I was shaking so hard.  They offered to put us back in and I couldn't do it.  So we ended up hiking a horse trail for about 2 or so miles, being ferried across two more bends in the river.  The men were able to tie a rope to the canoe and the force of the river pulled the canoe around so fast that the canoe popped back into place. They continued to help others that were in distress at the same point and then they floated our boat down to the next landing for us.


More of an adventure than I wanted.  I couldn't feel any worse.  Glenn and I were not going to share our story, but we both felt conviction to share it, because of how the circumstances fell into place.  The most interesting of those we had, was a man that only had shorts on jogging through the forest.  He came out of the woods from nowhere.  When one of the men offered to hike back to the landing with us, he asked the man how far we would need to go.  The man kept running but said, that way for two or more miles wading through the river two more times.  I saw the man on the other side of the river running away, wondering where he was going.  I thought he was going to help.


This afternoon Glenn and I were recalling the experience and Glenn brought up the man who was jogging.  He said that was really odd because the man wasn't wet and he had nothing else with him.  Then Glenn said the man just jogged on up the edge of the river.  I told him that wasn't possible because I saw the man on the other side of the river.  Glenn argued there was no way possible that the man crossed the river there, because that horse trail was exactly where I was stranded.  We can't make any sense of this other than we feel God sent several angels into our pathway that day.


As for the decision I made to go forward with the floating trip.  I felt it was a huge mistake.  Glenn thought it was great fun and wants to do it again.  I told him he will need to find someone else to go with him because I didn't think I could ever do it again.

More Renovations Possible

Glenn and I are still making renovations to our home. 


In the past couple of weeks we have been improving the powder room in the back of the house.  Glenn has been re-staining the cabinets back to their original appearance before I had him test-staining them darker before the kitchen renovation project last year.  We added a new coat of paint to the walls and replaced the chrome accessories to match the faucet.  A BIG checkmark off that TO DO list!!!  And it looks so nice!


Our next project is replacing the flooring I ruined in the hall when I over filled the bath tub a couple of months ago.  We also took out the last of the carpet that was in the play room beside that bathroom, so we're going to try and match the two flooring together.  Only problem is the original flooring is no longer manufactured so we're trying to find a suitable solution.


The last change we hope to make is putting in two sky lights in the living room.  It can be very dark inside the house even on the brightest of days.  I'm use to more light and feel that will make a huge improvement.


So now....we're waiting on the estimate and when they can start!

Chloe and Hailey

It has been several months since my last post.  I'm guessing I have been a little more busy lately.  Of course, coming through all the birthday's in November, then through all of the holidays, past more birthdays....leaves me simply breathless!


But now...back to the computer!


February was a rough month right from the very start!!!  On February 1st, I had to put my little Hailey to sleep.  It broke my heart.  I had never thought I would be the one doing this.  It was always said that Mike would have to be the one.  But, seeing her go down hill so quickly and seeing blood in her stools told me she wasn't going to recover from whatever was wrong. 


What hit me doubly hard though, was losing Chloe three days later.  She had been having mini seizures constantly, then right in the middle of her nap a HUGE one hit her.  We rushed her to the vet.  They tried valium and other sedatives to help her, but she let out the most terrifying yelping I have ever heard, and my heart knew what the right thing was to do.  So, both of my babies went to doggy heaven so quickly. 


Maybe it was a blessing.  But they were gone so quickly!  The shock is slowly wearing off and the reality is setting in. I was tremendously blessed to have been their mommy!

First Grandchild Sleepover-

I finally had the opportunity to have one of my grandchildren spend the night.  Ethan has been begging to do this for weeks now. I had it in the back of my mind but it took a phone call from him to help me remember.



We picked Ethan up early for my daughter, since school was getting out an hour early the last couple of days.  My granddaughter, Emma, takes a long nap during that time and I offered to help out.  I get great joy helping with any of my grandchildren whenever I can.



So yesterday, we picked up Ethan, took him home to pick up his things, and then headed to our house.  We played a while with a new coloring book he received, before heading off to Las Palmas for some Mexican food for dinner.  Yum!



From there we headed home to watch the DVD's, Turbo and Monster University.  My favorite was Turbo!  It kept me laughing.  Ethan was laying in his sleeping bag on the living room floor watching the movie.



After I kept falling asleep, and at the end of the last movie, Ethan crawled into my bed and he and I both fell soundly asleep.  Only, when Glenn got in on the other side, Ethan rolled over towards him and according to Glenn, "He felt like a hot rock" up against him!  So Glenn slept in another room. (giggle)



The next morning was the best fun for Ethan.  He got to go eat breakfast with Glenn at the donut shop.  According to Ethan, they both ate 3 donuts each!  I stayed home since I have been on my diet for over a year now. 35 pounds down.....at least 5 more to go!



We just had the best time!  I'm looking forward to having Drew over next!  Maybe this next month sometime.

I Can't Let Go

It's November! The crisp days and the gorgeous color of the leaves are breath taking.  A doctor appointment in Fayetteville became a beautiful drive going north.

 But it is also those same signs of the season that remind me of four years ago, letting go of my grip of Mike.  Many probably think that after this time I should be finished with the grief of losing my husband, Matt and Amber's  father, but memories are so etched in my mind and heart.  I believe this heartache will never leave.  The sounds, the holiday decorations in the stores, the preparations for family to be together....Mike's face is what I see.  And the deep pain resurfaces and I don't quite know what to do with it.  This is the month to express gratitude and thanksgiving.  And I do....of the wonderful man Mike was.  The loving father to our children and grandchildren.  We were truly blessed, and if he were still here, I would hug him tight and never let go.

Duck Tape Can Be a Hinderance or Possibly a Help

A month or more has flown by since I lasted posted here.  Glenn, my second husband, experienced a heart attack, and was hospitalized twice at two different locations.  Thankfully, he is doing so much better and regaining some of the energy he once had.

Around that same time I had food poisoning again (not Salmonella this time), and developed a bacterial infection, that with even four different antibiotics, still lingers.  The third treatment was painful, needing injections twice a day for a week.  Both sides of my hips are black and blue in addition to being very sore.  At least this fourth drug is oral again, and  I hope to find out soon if we're getting anywhere with this new drug.

Glenn and I have been busy planning, and teaching our four year old Sunday School class each week.  Our class is filled with mostly little boys which can make a very wild hour and half.  We try to stay at least three paces in front of them before they tie us up with duck tape.  But it might just come down to us duck taping them to the chairs to make any real progress.  What a joy to serve our Savior and our Rock.

You Will Restore Me

"LORD,  Your servant, Job, felt he was in the land of the deepest night, of the dark shadow and disorder, where even the light is like darkness. (Job 10:22) You restored someone who knew a much bleaker darkness than mine.  You will restore me, too, if I will let You."    -Beth Moore

"And you know you are in a pit when you've lost vision...because pits have no windows.  In that darkness, we can no longer see that may have once been obvious to us.  In that darkness, we can no longer see things that may have once been obvious to us.  Also, the close confinement of a pit exhausts us with the endless echo of self-absorption.  We can't see out, so we turn our sights in, and that nearsightedness breeds hopelessness." -Beth Moore

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, nor angels, nor principalities nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, or height, nor death, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separates us from the love of God, which is Christ the Lord."   Romans 8:38-39

As some of you know, Glenn and I are facing a new challenge so we definitely would appreciate your prayers.

Anne Murray- "Broken Hearted Me"

 

 

Every now and then I cry
Every night you keep stayin' on my mind
All my friends say I'll survive
It just takes time

 

But I don't think time is gonna heal this broken heart
No, I don't see how it can if it's broken all apart
A million miracles could never stop the pain
Or put all the pieces together again

No, I don't think time is gonna heal this broken heart
No, I don't see how it can while we are still apart

 

Songwriters
GOODRUM, RANDY

 

 

 

Read more: Anne Murray - Broken Hearted Me Lyrics | MetroLyrics

My Heart Will Go On

Last week I went to Conway to return a few items I had purchased several weeks ago from a store.  Glenn was having his usual Friday morning breakfast with his friend, Earl, so I did some shopping. 

Usually, I will drive any length of time without the radio on.  It gives me time to think, pray, and process whatever is on my mind.  But that day I listened to some songs I had purchased from ITunes.  One of them is below.

Music to me, are feelings put into words, much more than they are catchy little tunes with a melodic beat.  Don't get me wrong...I was married to a drummer, so I can enjoy both.  But the lyrics are what touch me more often, and become speakers for my heart and soul. That day, I was listening to the song, "My Heart Will Go On."  I had the volume turned up quite a bit, since Glenn wasn't with me, so I had a chance to fully be surrounded by this song; and could clearly listen to every word and get the full message of the song.  It was like hearing it for the first time.  It went from watching a movie of a young couple standing on the bow of the boat, to a message, for me, about going on after suffering a deep loss.



http://youtu.be/PKS5DwSC0fo

Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you,
That is how I know you go on

Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart (soul) does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go till (we're) gone

Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life we'll always go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

You're here, there's nothing I fear,
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

I needed to be reminded of this that day, because although I have since remarried to a special man; losing Mike after 35 years of marriage left me struggling to survive and go on. 

One thing I never knew about being a widow was how they would feel after they lost their spouse.  Of course, I expected sadness, but the stark absence and reality Mike was gone;  left me insecure.  And his absence comes at me with waves of grief, over and over again, while I'm processing it.  The story is always on my mind.

My doctors have told me I unknowingly delayed grieving in the beginning because I was overwhelmed, dealing with all the legal and serious issues of selling the home, etc.  I never had dealt with things like this before.  I was just putting temporary patches everywhere and was trying to navigate through some turbulent matters.

I went back to work, and quickly found out I was unable to really function the same, or concentrate anymore.  I felt for the first time, defenseless.  The puzzle wasn't going together well at all.

I hated coming home because no one was there to share the evening with. There was a huge gaping hole.  Once, I went to work at 2:30 a.m. (at the church where I worked), just to do something that would get me away from all of the reminders that my life had changed.  Then another evening I went shopping at Walmart at 3:00 a.m., which worried everyone to death, and I was told to promise never to do that again.  I tried to start a ladies night each month with friends.  That worked well the first few times, but seemed to fizzle out.  Then I came up with this idea to start a widow/widower's group, which turned into more like a singles club than anything.  It seemed to work a few times but made more messes than helped.  What I was attempting, was trying to fill a huge void that was left. 

There is still deep grief for me over what was once normal.  For me....and for my children and grandchildren.  They are coping their own ways.  One thing that has always comforted me with that, was at least they have each other to lean on.  But for me,  I felt terribly alone and homesick.  That one person on earth who knew me inside and out wasn't there to listen.  I kept wanting to talk to others about Mike, but many were too emotional to do that, or I would become too emotional.  Everything I was trying was backfiring on me.  Relationships began to change.  I felt like a little girl lost amongst millions. Vulnerable.  Fragile.

My daughter told me once the energy had left our family.  It struck me hard but I understood what she meant.  I felt I was a horrible mom unable to make things more stable for my children.  Mike was a huge personality.  He was loud, jovial, loving, blunt, and told me (and anyone else who would listen) how great of a love I was to him. I missed, and still miss, being reminded of that from him. I miss his arms around me.  His hand in mine driving down the highway.  Being babied when I wasn't feeling well.  Your mind can play games on you.  I began thinking Mike never loved me.  Lots of things were dissolving and that was once my conclusion.

I grieve how my children have had to be the parent while adjusting to all of this. In many ways they have done so much better than I have.  One handles it more openly and one seems to lock it away deep inside.  I see the loss in their eyes and I'm speechless. This is one thing, I can't fix.  I couldn't even fix me!

Looking at photographs of Mike the last six months brought guilt and shame on me because I felt I had pushed him too hard to fight...to stay with us.  Being around him constantly didn't resonate in my mind how he was declining, until after he was gone.  I felt responsibility for that...that he fought so hard.

I grieve over the history Mike and I had together, being able to recall something and laugh.  Talking about the craziest things.  Asking the walking dictionary what a word meant (he always knew), or just glancing across the room at one another.  Our eyes would often lock on one another without a word said.  There has been grief over lost dreams for the future we once shared. 

I have been the broken toy without the arm or leg I use to have.  There have been many hurdles to cross.  Painful and confusing ones. 

But there have been sweet ones too, that only the heavenly Father's hand could provide.  Glenn has been one of those. For the life of me, I don't know where his understanding and patience comes from.
 
I have been shipwrecked a few times and have struggled with clinical depression.  And I won't try to soften it up to make it sound anything than but what it has been. The rational and faithful Beverly would be overtaken by all of the hopelessness she was feeling.  There were times of wanting to let go and stop trying.  God never left me...even in those bleakest moments.  His hand was upon me.  Prayers from family and friends were with me.  I continue to trust in Him and have taken the advice from my doctors. 

I still am desperately fighting to stand back up and still grieving, but I am rediscovering new joy along the way too. I'm trying to put relationships back together.  And I'm relearning what grace really means; for me and for others. 

Yes!  This may be a little more transparent than others might share, but it is the truth and if it helps even just one, it will be a blessing.  My heart will go on!

Ethan's Baptism July 14, 2013

It is such a blessing when anyone chooses to accept God's gift of his Son, Jesus, into their hearts, but having your first grandchild do this is, such a precious occasion. I'm sure I hear angel bells ringing from heaven!

 

 

 

 

New Adventures

 

 

 

My daughter-in-law inspired me to try and grow my own lettuce. So early in May I planted some Romaine and I was surprised with the outcome.  I had more lettuce than I could possibly eat!  Glenn and I enjoyed huge chef salads for dinner for over a month. My only challenge was not eating it fast enough!

 



 

 

After living on an acre of land for several years, privacy became something I appreciated very much.  Now I live in a normal neighborhood where we live very close to one another.  So I asked Glenn if it were possible to put up a privacy screen to make it more comfortable when we were outside visiting or swimming.  With Glenn having recent neck surgery, we asked Zac if he would come and dig two post holes for us. Following this, I was able to hold the screen up for Glenn so he could screw it to the posts.  Voila....privacy!  We bought Clematis to grow and climb up the screen.  They have beautiful purple blooms on them which should look  gorgeous!

 

 

 

 

In May, Glenn and I decided to have a garage sale to free up some more space in the house.  We are still trying to merge our two houses comfortably. So, being Jill and Amber are finished with growing their families, I had all the "baby" stuff to get rid of.  With the money we made, we were able to buy two bicycles for the grandkids, to use whenever they come over to visit.

 

 

 



 
 
 
 














So with it now being summer, Glenn and I opened the pool.  As of now...we have yet to get into it.  The water is a chilly 84 degrees.  All I have manage to get in are my legs.  Glenn will only be able to get in up to his shoulders until the neck brace is taken off after July 5th.






















On beautiful nights like the one above, my heart lightens thinking about Mike.  This has been a long, hard journey, and I miss him in more ways than I could ever share.  It isn't just missing his presence.  It is missing a life I once lived. I grieve everyday for those days and trust in God's grace to get me through each one ahead of me.  I understand now, I need to go on, but it doesn't come easily.  Survival came first and adjusting took a backseat.  I have a feeling it's going to be a long journey still.


 

My Latest Project

(Yep...I did it myself!)

A Visitor

10,000 Reasons by Matt Redmond

On Sunday our worship leader at our church led us to sing a new song (to me) that has replayed in my mind ever since. A song where a child of the King can praise Him today, with every breath they have to breathe.  And with the promise of what Heaven will be like, standing before Him one day!

"Accepting hardship as a means of growth is a radical concept in this world.  Even more extreme is the believer who praises the Lord for the storm.  But God's follower's have cause to rejoice.  Tribulation increases our patience so that we can stand firm of his promises and await His good timing."

 

 

-Charles Stanley

From: A Widow's Might

A Detour?

Posted: 31 Oct 2012 01:03 PM PDT

by Leah Stirewalt

As we tiptoe closer to those often-marked events that can wreak havoc in the life of a grieving widow, I’m reminded of a place I found myself this time last year. A place I had to stop and ponder – several times over – whether or not I belonged there or was truly there to begin with.

The place?

The Road of Healing.

 

I had been trudging along what I still dub, Grief Road, going through the motions of my new normal. I had some good days and many, many bad days, but I could see a gradual change in the good vs. the bad. Overall, I felt I was doing pretty well, considering having gone through the loss of my husband to suicide within the past year. I honestly didn’t know where I was on Grief Road, but I knew that I could sense God healing me…in His own way, and in His own timing BUT with my determination and deep desire to allow Him to do it.

 

So, what caused me to stop and ponder on that definitive day around this time last year, when I felt my two roads – Grief Road and The Road of Healing – had converged? It was the feeling of being suckerpunched. Suddenly – I felt as if my world had stopped, yet again. To me, it seemed as if it came out of nowhere. But, I vividly remember the realization I felt when I noticed the holiday season was coming up quickly, and I would not be spending it with my sweet husband that year. Oh, the ache I felt at that sudden insight.

 

I began to wobble on that supposed Road of Healing. Suddenly, I felt I had taken a detour along a new road. It looked similar to Grief Road, but yet different. I felt so unsure on this new road and so shaky. I felt I was a foreigner on very unforgiving soil. I began to listen to my own thoughts…

 

You have a long way to go.

You’ve had a setback in your healing.

You’re nowhere where you thought you were.

See? The grieving process will never end.

Oh, the thoughts! The ugly, self-defeating thoughts.

 

Thankfully, with the help of some friends, I began to see the untruths of those thoughts. Yes – it was a very difficult time that had just crested in my life. The waves were going to be crashing again. But, they don’t last forever. Just like the waves in the ocean can’t stay in one place forever, this place of pain would also not last. It was very difficult, but I found walking directly into that place of pain, rather than trying to avoid it, actually helped me to get to the other side even more healed than I was when I began.

 

A setback? Hardly! I was being way too hard on myself. It was all a normal part of the process. I just had to come to that realization myself. It’s okay to be moving along The Road of Healing to discover a momentary detour. It’s okay to cry…to scream…to feel deep loneliness…to be angry…a whole host of other emotions on this detour. Just don’t get off the detour and make your own path. Keep moving…keep walking, and if you simply can’t walk right now…allow God to carry you. He just wants you to ask.

 

Isaiah 42:16 (NIV1984)…

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.