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In 2007, I began my original website, Sonshine's Haven. In 2007, it was turned into a blog and used to keep family updated on my first husband's fight with liver cancer. He passed away November of 2009. We were married for 34+ wonderful years and this journals some of that grief process I've gone through.

I have since remarried another widower, but Mike is missed dearly, and will always be a big part of my life.

At times, all of us will be called to act as witnesses to the suffering of another. We will be unable to affect the outcome physically. Words will fail us. Prayer will seem futile. And yet, the act of bearing witness to someone else's trials is a sacred sorrow that offers and astounding glimpse of eternal joy." by Ginger Garrett

"Being willing to stay with a loved one throughout their travail, can be difficult....YES! But offering yourselves as faithful companions on a dark and dreadful journey can be an unmeasured blessing." (paraphrased by me)

12.20.2009

As you might remember, I am reading a wonderful book, The God of All Comfort.  I have been surprised at how this book is speaking the very words of my heart.  Inside me, my feelings are all twisted in a knot.  I feel so much....at the same time I'm feeling so numb.  The enormity of what has happened hasn't fully hit me, but I'm afraid when it does, it will finish me.

Exerpt from book....."Two months after Steve's death...I feel like my life is over.  I understand those widows in pagan places who climb up on the funeral pyre and are burned with their husbands' bodies.  When I told Steve I wanted to go with him, he shook his head, "No, no- you must go on--the children, the people you touch. Go on because I can't.  I know deep in my soul, that our lives are not our own.  You have left us here for a reason.  Yet I look out at the frozen ground, covered with snow, and think, "That's how I feel."

I'm trying to find my feet despite all that has taken place these last four weeks.  It did me a lot of good getting away, putting aside grieving for a little while, but I'm certain I will need to journey through the deep waters to get to the other side eventually.  I'm a little afraid of those feelings that I know will be there, but haven't quite experienced yet.  I'm afraid they will undo me.

While I was in West Texas, I met a friend of my sisters, who has been traveling through these deep waters the past 11 months.  He took a little bit of time to share his story with me, and encouraged me not to suppress my feelings.  That I need to allow myself time to "feel" the pain, in order to work through it.  He is a believer and reminded me that God and my faith in Him, could see me through this.  I'm sure counting on that.

Exerpt from book..."Two weeks After Steve's Death...Has my faith been shaken?  Has my confidence in Your love for me been shaken?  Maybe a little.  You know that.  Yet in my heart I know You still are who You are.  I have so much trouble sitting still beforeYou.  My anxious thoughts multiply.  Help me be still and know that You are God.  Mountains are falling down and the seas are roaring....That's how I feel.  Frightened.  Helpless. Overwhelmed.  I cannot believe this is happening, but it is.  I know David felt that way during his years as a fugitive from Saul.  I know You felt that way at the crucifixion.  Bible notes say this psalm was the inspiration for Martin Luther's "A Mighty Fortress."  In the midst of mountains falling down, You are our "refuge", our "mighty fortress," or as Luther put it, "Our helper He amidst the flood of mortal ills prevailing."  You are the "Lord of Hosts."  Oh hide me, O My Savior, hide me, for the avalanche is here."

I knew God could save Mike if it was His will.  I wanted so much for that to be His will too. Although I believe in my heart God wanted the best for me and my family, I have to be honest and say, it's hard to see that right now.  All I can do right now is work through these feelings and continue to trust Him, to see the good in all of it.

These last few weeks have been a cornucopia of good, and not so good experiences.  The distress I was first experiencing shortly after Mike's passing, has quieted down some.  I still have a mountain of things needing to be done, legally, but I'm very grateful for anwered prayer and the blessing of so many friends, old and new. God's gracious provisions have turned my life around enough, that part of it doesn't look so bleak. Prayer is being answered....and I'm so grateful. 

All of this makes life a little lighter....yet I miss my best friend so much.  The other half of me is missing.  I'm out of balance.  Mike steadied my reactions to most anything.  He helped me make decisions when I needed to.  He was the person I would run to with something funny to share.  I miss his hugs.  I miss the unspoken words in his heart that I could read through his eyes. He could read my mind from across the room, and if I was shakened by anything, he would steady my heart by holding me.  I don't know how to live without that now.  I'm doing all I can to go forward....to do what is expected....to concentrate, and accomplish everything that is necessary to do, in a situation like this.  But, oh how I would love to just bury my head and sleep life away. 

Father, I can't do this alone.  Help me walk through this scary forest and come out okay on the other side.  I need You.

Please continue to pray that God will be the other half of me that feels is gone.  Please pray for my children.  Their hearts are aching just as much for their dad and they are trying to explain life and death to their children.  My little grandbabies are struggling to understand where Papaw is. 

My daughter in law shared this:  "Drew brought it up and asked question after question. "Are there doctors in heaven?" "Who hurt him?" "Is he still hurting?" (I kept saying that there doesn't need to be doctors in heaven because no one is sick or hurting. Papaw is all better in Heaven. Drew "drew" upon my excitement at knowing this and had this big smile on his face.) "How do we get to Heaven?" (I had him quote his John 3:16 verse and explained that Papaw believed in Jesus and that's why he's in heaven and when we believe in Jesus, we will go to Heaven too.) "Why can't we go there now?" (Because not everyone knows about Jesus and how to get to Heaven so we're still here so we can tell other people about Jesus.) Maybe he was drawing off of my excitement as I was talking about Jesus's gift and Heaven, but he was smiling and excited as I was talking to him about it. Then he started asking questions I had a hard time answering where he could understand. "Where is Heaven?" "Where is Jesus?" I tried my best and told him we just have faith and faith is believing in what we don't see."


Please continue to pray God gives my children the emotional strength they need to put aside what they are feeling, to talk with their children about what is troubling them.  Again, we appreciate your prayers so much.  And the ways you have demonstrated love and support to us touches us deeply....whether it is legal advice, monetary gifts, trips away, phone calls, emails, hugs, or just sharing your own stories of grief....you have given to us and we feel so blessed. 
 
Love,
Beverly
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