Had a good day for a change.  I even came home and made homemade spaghetti, which I haven't done in months.  Of course, there's a lot left over, but it freezes well and I'm sure I'll get to enjoy it again.

I also was faithful and pulled out the exercise video's.  For some reason, my mind wanted to do it more than my body...but I flopped all over the place trying to learn the quick step...and I'm sure that alone, had to be considered exercise, trying not to trip and fall!  I would have had more success if they had just slowed the quick step down...like maybe by half as fast.  I'm glad no one was in the room, to judge whether what I did, looked anything like what they were doing.

Anyway....I celebrate having a tear-less day!  May tomorrow be just as peaceful.

I feel I've been able to accomplish some much needed work around the house the last couple of days.  It always wears me out, but there is something to be said about working out your frustrations. 

This was the first time I've mowed the lawn since I lost Mike.  I was excited that I was able to restart the mower without any trouble.  I even checked the oil and made sure that was in good shape before starting. I mowed everything, burned some lawn debris without catching my home on fire, and pruned back some bushes.  I was feeling very victorious until I remembered the mower blades are needing to be changed.  Then I wondered how in the world was I going to do that?! There is still so much around here I'm not experienced with.

A lot of the work around the house, I was already doing alone the last two years, so it isn't that I necessarily CAN'T do it.  It's just that it uses up every ounce of energy I have, and I end up paying for it days later.  I rode on the mower thinking about possibly having to leave this home, and I thought if I do, I'll need to be shot with a tranquilizer gun first.  I hate change!  I hate things being taken out of my control.  I think that frustrates me the most.

I've had a lot of pity parties at my house lately.  I'm the only one who usually attends, but I stick my party hat on and really feel sorry for myself.  That usually leads me into wondering "Why?", which is another circle I can sit spinning in.  I just hate it when I'm in a store, or driving down the road, or sitting in church....and I see other couples sitting together enjoying, and sharing each others company.  I just begin questioning everything.....Me.....God....What's Fair.....and on and on.  If I can attach it to my problem...I generally do, when I'm in that mood.  Some where along the way I see that it is either pointless, or getting me nowhere, and I'll switch over to the "Let's ignore the situation and pretend you've got this great opportunity to do everything you want to do without thinking of anyone else....for the first time."  That usually lasts long enough as my bowl of icecream for dinner does.  The games I'm playing...trying to survive the worst time in my life.

I keep trying to remind myself that God has a purpose for everything...even everything in my life.  It's hard for me to see any kind of good in any of this right now.  And I'm really not asking for that necessarily.   I just want to know the key to survive.  How to make it through each painful day after the next.  Either take me out of this life quickly....or hand me the map...because I'm so lost!  I'm so upside down, that I'm questioning everything....and finding few answers.  I keep yelling out for God's help, and I know He hears me.  I just don't hear him answering me right now, and I'm lonely, frightened, tired, and completely lost.  I feel so many are counting on me to land on my feet....and I want that victory too.  But I feel there's such potential for me failing, and it would be so sad to come all this way, only to fail.

So a short term goal of mine is to keep getting up, and moving...and praying it is in the right direction.

My emotions have been all over the place this past weekend.  At one point, I was actually angry for Mike leaving me....as if he had any way to stop it from happening.  I would see his picture smiling back at me, and where that use to comfort me, for some reason this week, it was just a reminder of him being gone.  So one evening I actually started removing several I had placed around the house.  I never completed the process before I was moving on to another project.

So next..I tried to free up a little closet space and I considered moving some of Mike's clothes that were new, that I thought others might be able to use.  So several pieces hung on my bathroom door....and I looked at them for days.  Everytime I passed them I would put them to my nose to see if I could smell Mike on them, and was disappointed each time.  So when I was certain about this, I put them in the laundry and washed them.  And I offered them to people...with the condition they were to give them back to me if they didn't want them.  Why....I don't know.  I guess incase Mike returned!  Nothing I do makes very good sense to me right now.

I really do feel I'm losing my mind at times.  My life feels so upside down, it is paralyzing me, and almost rendering me useless.  I think I'm striving so hard to try and put my life back together, that it's either too soon, or nothing is feeling the same. I'm completely frustrated.  I do a little bit of this and that...then end up stopping feeling befuddled.  I pray this is only a temporary problem.

I know part of my problem has been exhaustion.  I have been fighting a virus for two weeks now, and with the added stress of losing Mike's mom this week, I haven't been myself.  I've been a mess!

My one appointment in April, has been increased to two now, so that's on my mind as well.  I'm just not use to handling so much at one time.  Mike always spoiled me and lifted that burden.  He was my caregiver, and I thrived on his enthusiasm and zest for life.  He shielded and protected me.  He was my biggest cheerleader, and his love gave me instant energy.  I miss him more than words could ever describe.

First, I would like to thank everyone for your thoughts and prayers for our family during this past week.  Facing another challenge was the last thing we all anticipated, or needed, but knowing so many had us in their thoughts and prayers, was a deep comfort.

Four months have passed since we lost Mike. Marking that by losing Mike's mom too, was a lot to handle. I'm trying to focus on the truth that God is Sovereign, and is in complete control; and less on the fact, I don't understand why things have happened as they have. 

I'm grateful He slowed me down, by allowing me to get sick.  That kept me in town, instead of going to California with my sister as planned this past weekend.  It allowed me to be present for the last few days of Mike's mom's life.  That was incredibly important to me...not only to do what I think Mike would have wanted me to do, but to comfort Mom McSheehy the best I knew how, and be available for my children during this time. 

Life is changing quickly and that can be very scary for me at times.  It chases me into my shell, wanting to shut the world out.  I'm trying to keep moving forward though.  I want to make some determined steps to begin living again.  I need to find some of the things I use to enjoy and return to doing them.  I need to have things to look forward in a day...and make these four walls of my home stop pressing in on me.
 
I have an appointment coming up April 9th, that is really important.  I'm asking God for His wisdom and direction.  I know He'll provide the strength I'll need to obey and follow His will.  The outcome of this appointment will likely have me making some large decisions.

There are plenty of areas here you can support me and be praying with me about. Perhaps, I will continue journaling my experiences here or possibly this will only be a journaled space, where I can look back and attest to God's faithfulness in my life.  Either way, I thank you for your loving support.

As I have mentioned plenty times before; music has always been a blessing to me.  It inspires me.  Calms me.  Teaches me.  Even rebukes me.  Some times I'm blessed by just the shear melody and tune.  Other times, the words speak my heart.  I have added a new song today.  The lyrics are at the bottom of this blog.  I pray you will take some time to just listen to the melody and words.  My prayer is that it will bless you too.

Always,
Beverly

Cecile

Mike's mom passed away early

Tuesday morning, March 23rd.

The family and I appreciate everyone's

cards, thoughts and prayers during these

last few difficult days.

I'm stepping away from the Blog for awhile. Thank you for caring about our family and praying all of these months.  You have been such a blessing to me and my family. 

We did not receive good news today on Mike's mom.  She did get out of Intensive Care, and onto the regular hospital floor, but as to what to do next......the news was not good. 

It's particularly impacting my children, Amber and Matt, the hardest, although it is painful for me as well.  They've just recently lost their father, so the idea of just letting go of their grandma, is extremely painful for them.  It is like losing a part of their father all over again.

Please pray that peace, understanding, and comfort would be at the center of our family as we proceed forward regarding this, trying to understand the situation, the limitations, and the wishes of the people involved.  We need each other to continue healing from all the sadness from the past few months.  A situation like this can be very stressful, especially when their might be a difference of opinion.

Both children are expecting additional babies, and looked forward to sharing this with their grandmother, so we need as much understanding as possible.

I personally, would appreciate your prayers in this delicate matter,
Beverly

Mike and His Mom's Wild Sense of Humor

Mike's mom is still in ICU.  They are waiting for her regular doctor to return Monday to make the decision of whether to move her or not.  She will be getting an actual ICU room, instead of a curtained in area, later today with a TV.  She is unable to swallow still, so they removed the ice chips and are only giving her moistened sponges to use.  She has a little infection which they have started her on an antibiotic for.  She was very coherent today.....FRUSTRATED......but very alert.  Her speech is still slurred. and her lip on her left side droops slightly, but she is moving her left arm now, so that is a praise!  We are able to understand her a little bit better when she gets aggravated, as we guess what she's saying incorrectly.  I could just see Mike having fun with this if he were still here.  For the rest of us, it is like playing charades, trying to figure out what she's wanting, or saying! :)

Thank you for your love, prayers, and continued support.  Where would our family be, without the Lord, and all of you?!  We've certainly kept you on your knees!  You have been such a blessing to us.

Update:  She is still in ICU through tomorrow morning.  They will do bloodwork then, and decide if she can be placed into a regular room. She was tolerating ice chips well today, and there is hope she might be able to recover the swallowing issues and ability to talk.  We are trying to allow her to rest as much as possible, so we have kept company for her to a miniumum.  Thank you for your continued prayers.

I saw Mom McSheehy this morning in ICU.  She was resting peacefully so I didn't wake her.  Her vitals looked good, but the nurses were very busy, so I didn't get an update.  I'm hoping she will be moved out of ICU today so that Jill, Zac and Drew could have an opportunity to see her.

Thank you for your prayers.

Evening Friday
Went to the hospital to see Mike's mom this evening.  Ended up leaving sooner than planned.  I got upset.  Mike's sister and brother in law stayed with her to speak with the doctor.  I'm so thankful for Charlie and Lynne being here and handling this.  I don't think I could have done it without them.  Too many similarities between Mike's situation and his mom's. I want to be there, but it's painful seeing her this way, recalling many things with Mike.  Life just feels a little unfair tonight.  Thank you for your prayers.

Noon Friday
We've had another challenging day.  Mike's mom was taken to the emergency room this morning where it was determined she suffered a significant stroke.  She is in the Intensive Care Unit and is having trouble swallowing and speaking.  She is aware of our presence and was able to have Matt, Amber, Ethan, Charlie, Lynne and I around her this morning.  I hope it brought her some comfort.  It certainly was difficult for all of us to be back in a hospital setting...most especially having her in one of the same rooms Mike had been in.  We understand we've been blessed having Mike's mom for 91 years, but it is never easy watching someone you love hurting, or unable to communicate what they are feeling.  And letting go is never easy.  Our family would appreciate your prayers.

After a day of missing Mike greatly, it was a blessing looking forward to being with friends tonight.  I really needed a little laughter and company.  Thank you Lord for family and friends, and for lifting the burden of life, even if only briefly.

A Grief Observed

C.S. Lewis joined the human race when his wife, Joy Gresham, died of cancer. Lewis, the Oxford don whose Christian apologetics make it seem like he's got an answer for everything, experienced crushing doubt for the first time after his wife's tragic death. A Grief Observed contains his epigrammatic reflections on that period: "Your bid--for God or no God, for a good God or the Cosmic Sadist, for eternal life or nonentity--will not be serious if nothing much is staked on it. And you will never discover how serious it was until the stakes are raised horribly high," Lewis writes. "Nothing will shake a man--or at any rate a man like me--out of his merely verbal thinking and his merely notional beliefs. He has to be knocked silly before he comes to his senses. Only torture will bring out the truth. Only under torture does he discover it himself." This is the book that inspired the film Shadowlands, but it is more wrenching, more revelatory, and more real than the movie. It is a beautiful and unflinchingly honest record of how even a stalwart believer can lose all sense of meaning in the universe, and how he can gradually regain his bearings. --Michael Joseph Gross

After four brief, intensely happy years of marriage, C. S. Lewis found himself alone and inconsolable. Cancer had taken the life of his wife and shook his faith to its very foundations. To defend himself against the loss of belief in God, he wrote this journal, now a classic, seen as an eloquent statement of rediscovered faith. He freely confesses his doubts, his rage, and his awareness of human frailty. In doing so, he finds his way back to life.

"There Is a Side of Love That Can Only Be Seen Through Suffering."

My faith in God, and the promise of our eternal home, has become the most clear to me since Mike lost his earthly battle with cancer.  For months I have grieved at the absence of his presence.  Recently though, I have felt Mike's presence more deeply than ever...as if he is only a breath or touch away. 

God's promise that we will be together again one day, is beautiful.  His graciousness to remind me Mike still watches over me and our family, is a gift unimaginable and precious.  I feel I have crossed a threshold where I can see what lies ahead, as possibly being far better than what laid behind.  I miss him deeply, but the comfort of him being complete and whole again lifts my heart today.  I'm rarely reminded of the horror we lived the last couple of years.  I can see Mike whole, healthy, and happy now, and I know he anxiously awaits our family to be reunited again. 

God is so good....not as if dying on a cross, to have a personal relationship with Him, wasn't enough.  But to not leave my heart in a pile on the floor, to encourage me to keep running the race until I'm ready for my heavenly home, is the strength I've been needing so desperately to keep on living.

Several times during the day, I’ll see a picture of Mike, and feel I could walk around any corner and see him there. Four months being apart, would make no difference. I see his face and just yearn to reach over and touch it.

My fear is many years will pass, with me yearning to be with Mike again, and I will have never learned how to go on living. I’ve met people like this, and have felt so sorry for them. They spent the rest of their life in sadness and misery. I know Mike wouldn’t want me to do this. So I keep fighting to go on and I am writing to share a few of these adventures.

I planted a few plants today in flower pots on my porch. I don’t know if I can stay in this house, but loving to garden, I figured my pots could travel with me wherever I end up.

I also bought some caulking. This job has been on the honey-do list for three years now. I guess we’ll find out how good of a job I can do. Goodness knows, if the house needs to sell, this isn’t going to hurt getting done….at least if I do an okay job.

I also had my first experience the other day using Mike’s drill. I was up on a ladder outside and decided to move something, and without anyone around to discourage me, I figured I would be the only one to know if I messed up…. which I didn’t. :)

I got my passport in today but don’t know if I’ll ever use it. It was just something Mike and I had planned on doing, and I figured…why not go ahead?!

I also am trying to get in better health. My doctor placed me on a "special" diet to avoid taking additional medication.  I'm being given a couple of months to see if I can make a difference.  I figured chances aren’t great in following it. So, I reasoned that exercise may help, and I got a new exercise DVD while I was with my sister in Texas. It is suppose to help you “dance” the pounds and inches away, and goodness knows I could use that! 

I’ve always been a “Dancing With the Stars” enthusiast. And....taking dancing classes for several years in my youth, I figured this might be fun…more fun than avoiding ice cream or sweets. But let me just say, the “Cha-Cha”, is kicking my backside! My got-up-and-go, must have left several years back. I lose energy as fast as I can say the name “Cha-Cha”! And every morning afterwards, I feel like a freight train hit me, so I must be WAY out of shape! And don’t worry, I won’t be going to any clubs to embarrass you, or me! Just my Cocker Spaniels think I’ve totally lost my mind!

And maybe I have……………………………………:)

Life lately has felt more like a huge, complicated Rubik's cube.  So many angles need to align to solve the issues laying in front of me.  It's a battle daily, to wait for the answers, and not worry.

But in the meantime, God must have thought I needed a distraction.  He now has blessed our family with two new grandbabies on the way, likely being born two months apart from each other.  As badly as Mike wanted more grandchildren, I wouldn't be surprised if that wasn't the first request he made in heaven.  Although, bittersweet for me, I can visualize the smile on Mike's face, and that pulls me forward.  I'm anxious to gaze into the faces of these little angels, and tell them one day about their Papa, and how deeply he wanted them. 

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Perspective

It amazes me how different life can appear 30,000 feet up in the sky over Arkansas and Texas!  The higher the plane climbs, the less things cloud my vision.  For one who has always been leary of flying; since Mike's passing, the sky is where my heart feels the most at peace now.  Up there, all that is obstructing my view (or thoughts) are maybe a few clouds, or sun beams.

We're going into month 4, and life still is uncertain for me.   There are still many unanswered questions and I am uncertain what my future holds.  My mind can't make up its mind if it wants to fight and survive, or give up, and let go. But something holds me tight, not giving me permission to give up yet.  It seems there is always some legal issue needing to be done the next day....the next moment...not allowing me the rest I think I need. 

A friend told me recently that these "annoyances" or "things", may be the very things that are pulling me out of bed each day...forcing me to go on, when I feel the least like I want to.  On this side of it, all I'm doing is searching for a way to escape, to go numb.  But circumstances are forcing me to "feel" life....whether it be good or bad.

One thing I walked away with this past week is that there are no easy fixes to this life experience.  There are no short cuts.  And some times you have to pass through the same painful territory, over and over again, until you experience or feel everything, God is trying to teach you. 

I'm comforted with the thought, Mike can look down over his family and smile.  Even though days are coming between the last time he encircled us with his comforting arms, I still feel his presence with us.  My breath is often taken away thinking of the glory he's seeing..personally experiencing the loving heart of God.  And the blessings don't end there.  Our family is receiving the reminder of his/His everlasting love.  Where one day, we will all gather together, and experience the deepest of all embraces, that will last for an eternity.