Just wanted everyone to know what a "real" tar ball looks like, if you didn't already know.  That is what the picture is up above.

I was walking along the beach taking pictures and searching for that special seashell everyone looks for...when all of a sudden....right in front of me was an.....ummmmmmmm.....a HEART?....ooooh, creepy!  I'm NOT going to touch that!  What kind of animal did that come from?!

So then I thought....no wait.....could it possibly be a tar ball?  I was convinced I found the real thing.  The emergency response team was out on duty with their little rakes, so maybe I stumbled across something news worthy! ;-)  (okay.....humor me here...with my story telling!  I'm in a creative mood at almost 1 a.m. when I should be sleeping.)

But...actually, being the true treasure hunter I am, I've worked up a thirst, and now I need to find a Diet Coke.  So we leave the beach altogether to go down the road to buy a Diet Coke...but the mystery of my discovery was eating at me....so back to the beach I went.  Then I spot it again!  Yep!  There she be.....My tar ball!  My friend, who hadn't seen it the first time, is now taking in the site of this new find of mine, and disagrees that my find was press worthy. 

So....laughing hard, we take a picture of this new find...just to show it off to everyone back home.  Are you ready to see it?

That's when I spotted it....I never had seen the little white tab on the side the first time.  It was an apple, left out in the sun for hours!  My imagination had got the best of me! ;-)

So my friend felt the need to capture the look on my face.  Some people have no creativity!!!

 The End!

They say "Life is a lesson," and I'm one, for sure, who is getting an education quickly.  Much of the time I'm barely staying inches in front of the wheel which is trying to run over me.  I've wondered if I'm so dense, God has saved up a village worth of "life lessons" to whip this rebellious nature into shape, or if there is some purpose behind all of this madness.  The only thing I know for sure, is that I'm still here, and not in a psychiatric ward yet!  So that has got to be good....right?!!

Pam and Judy both came through their surgeries well today.  Pam's surgery wasn't completely successful.  Part of the blockage was removed, but the tumor couldn't be.  So there is conversation of trying radiation and chemotherapy to possibly help. 

Judy's procedure went well.  They hope to have her checked out by Thursday or Friday.  Some lymph nodes were removed to test and be sure the cancer was only contained to that one kidney.  I'm praising God for their safety and protection over the family.

I enjoyed some quality time with Drew after his Mother's Day Out program.  Unfortunately, he began running a 102.5 temperature, but improved once I got him to his house and got some medicine in him.  I'm hoping it was just a quick little virus that will pass without Alyssa or Matt and Jill catching anything.

All in all, today was such a blessing!

Family Surgeries

We have two members of our family facing major surgeries tomorrow, Tuesday, September 28th.  One is taking place in Miami.  It is Mike's sister -in-law, Pam, who has ovarian or uterine cancer, and will be undergoing a 10 hour procedure.  She has many health issues, so please pray for God's protection over her.

The second family member, who also has cancer...kidney cancer...will be having one of her kidneys removed.  This is my daughter-in-laws mom, Judy.  She is a breast cancer survivor. 

Please pray for God's hand of protection over both of these women and also for our family, as we wait for them to come through it.  Thank you!

God is good ALL the time!

Two Healthy Responses  (http://www.griefshare.org/)
Day 307

Pastor Buck Buchanan describes two healthy responses that people can have during the grieving process. The first is to be honest about the depth of the pain, but to choose not to be resentful. He says, "My mom was that way after my Dad died. She said, 'I'm not going to feel sorry for myself.'"

Another healthy response is to use the pain to help others. Pastor Buchanan continues, "Take the hurt, embrace the pain, and then realize that it is probably the tool and the gift God has given you to use now. Then begin to minister to other people and share their experiences."

Notice that both responses involve admitting and accepting your pain and choosing to move forward.

"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded" (James 4:8 nasb).

Lord God, I choose to move forward. I will draw near to You in the midst of my pain. Show me how to respond to the pain in a way that is healthy and that honors You. Amen.



Decide to Move Forward

The most important thing to understand if you are stuck in grief is that only you can make the decision to get unstuck. Only you can make the decision to move on.

Dr. Tim Clinton observes, "You close yourself off from interactions in life that normally would be healthy for you. You're so sorrowed that you close your world in.

You start disengaging from life to control your world. But the more you disengage, the more you've cut off that life supply."

Choose to move forward in your grief--rebuild relationships, serve others in your community, express your emotions, share your story, begin a new sport, hobby, or activity. Your effort to control your life and cut off relational ties will not help anyone, least of all you.

When Ruth lost her husband, she did not disengage from life. Boaz commented on this and said to Ruth, "I've been told all about what you have done for your mother-in-law since the death of your husband--how you left your father and mother and your homeland and came to live with a people you did not know before. May the Lord repay you for what you have done. May you be richly rewarded by the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge" (Ruth 2:11-12). Ruth became the great-grandmother of King David through whose physical lineage came Jesus.

Jesus, I know that I must move on. I am making the decision right now to get myself unstuck from this place in my grief. I need You to replenish my life supply. Amen.

Letting Go (from Grief Share)
Day 238

To move on means (1) you have to acknowledge that things will never be the same again, and (2) you have to desire God's plan for your life now. Letting go of a lost loved one is tough, especially when the love is deep, and he or she has filled a need in you that was never filled until you met that person.

"To really admit to yourself, 'This person is gone, and life's got to go on, and I've got to buck up and turn the corner and get going,' is probably one of the toughest transitions in the grief process," says Dr. Joseph Stowell.

Your plan for life was suddenly changed. But God has a purpose for you, and you were created to fulfill that purpose. That is why you are here on earth right now. Find God's plan for your life and seek fulfillment from Him.

"The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever--do not abandon the works of your hands" (Psalm 138:8).

"But I have raised you up for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth" (Exodus 9:16).

Lord God, things will never be the same again, and I will never be able to go back to the way things were. I admit this, Lord, and I will move forward with a purpose, seeking to fulfill Your plan for my life. What do You have for me to do? Amen.

First day back to work since my vacation.  Boy do I miss the peacefulness of the ocean and the breeze on my face!!!   I guess I at least have a "happy place" I can go to in my mind, to escape all the stress back here.  I'm so grateful for even that little bit of time off.  I was able to just let go and rest.

I'm considering getting some extra help with this grieving process.  There are just a few things I don't think I can resolve on my own.  Please pray that I will find the right place to put my faith and trust in, and heal.

Grief Share Reminders

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Look Beyond the Past
Day 239

It would be dangerous to drive down the street if your attention were focused solely on the rearview mirror, looking at what is behind. Grief tends to make you look to the past, to what you lost. The pain of that loss, it's true, will be with you forever, but to move on, you must focus on the future as well as on the past.

"You can either stay in that grief, or you can move on. But you will move on with the grief," says Linda, whose baby was stillborn. "You always have that, and you can't expect that one day you won't ever feel sorry that you lost a loved one. That will always be part of you."

Use your past to build on your future. Seek the God of the past, the present, and the future for a hope that will sustain you.

"I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End" (Revelation 22:13).

Lord God, You are my only hope. I do not want to forget the past, but I cannot live there either. Amen.


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Keep the Past in Perspective   Day 240
Be careful not to let your past control your future.

"My first wife is a memory," says Virgil. "She'll always be a memory. She'll always be there. But I can't let her control my life."

Your loved one will always hold a special place in your heart, but daily decisions cannot be made based on emotions tied up in this person's death. Decisions today should be relative to the present and to the future. Your hope lies before you and not behind you.

"There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off" (Proverbs 23:18). This hope is available for those who have placed their trust in Jesus Christ.

Dear Jesus, my past is so precious to me, but I know that I must live in the present and look forward to the future. Amen.

A New Day

My time away to Florida this past week was something my heart, soul, and mind really needed.  I needed to see the ocean meet the sky; removing everything else in its path, to put life back into perspective.  I needed to feel the breeze on my face, to remind me I was still alive, and take in all that has past through my life the last three years. 

I thought a lot about everything....losing Mike, the adjustment to loss.  The struggles our family has gone through to survive.  What we're trying to hold on to.  What has been pried from our hands.  I have thought about the pain we have felt watching someone;  no...two people we loved dearly... leave us.  I stared off in deep thought. I cried hard.  I contemplated how to finish this course called Life.  It was a selfish trip, I'll admit, but one I desperately needed.

More than anything, I want to heal.  I need to for Mike.  I need to for Matt and Amber.   I need to for my children in law, and also for my grandchildren.  I need to complete the purpose God has for my life.   I need to figure out what is really important, and what isn't.  I need to learn how to go forward.  Borrowing a quote I heard while away...."You can't move forward if you're eyes are always looking in a rearview mirror." 

ALL of my memories of Mike are still with me.  ALL of his love is still in my heart.  ALL of the reminders of our life together, are still important...and will continue to bless me for the remainder of my life. 

Going forward is not disrespectful to his memory.  It is showing that his love was important enough to me, that I want to continue living, for my children and for my grandchildren.

I asked God for strength.  I asked God for forgiveness.  I asked God for direction.  I asked God for peace.  I asked God for His grace.  And He answered, "You've had it all along."

A Time for Everything

Ecclesiastes 3:1-15


There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

A Time to Process

For months, since Mike's passing, I have had the overwhelming need to get away for some R & R, to somehow "process" these past three years...if that is possible.  If nothing more, I have kept that goal out in front of me, to keep me moving forward.  The time has come, and I'm looking so forward to this break.

When you lose someone you have loved for a lifetime, and so completely; you want nothing more than to fold into a fetal position and exit the world with them. There have been times, when I have felt such despair, it took everything I had to get up and go on.  The climb has been steep, exhausting, and draining. And many times it has been very confusing.

There has been a time for mourning. I have spent months trying to figure out how to survive.  I have come to realize; no matter how much I hate it, life has changed.  And unless I want to be a fractured part of who I once was, from here on out, I need to find some way to move forward...if not, but for my children and grandchildren. I need their support.  I need them to walk courageously forward with me. 

I want my home to be filled with laughter again.  I want the chaos.  I want the traditions and the hugs.  And I want to do whatever it takes to bring back life to our family. 

I realize I can't be Mike.  Nobody can. Nobody wants to be.  His spirit filled every room he was in.  But things are going to be different and we need to rally and encircle our family.  And make the play as a team.

We're going to need to exercise grace, as we all come to a place of acceptance, and I pray it will be with open minds and hearts.  What would Mike want us doing?  Living on...or being stuck in yesterday, which we can't change?! 

As I slowly accept reality; I hope it is possible to recapture the spirit our family once possessed, even without Mike at his earthly helm.  His spirit lives within our minds and hearts, he is at Jesus' side and we have the promise to be with him again.  I believe with all my heart he is watching over us, as our Heavenly Father gives us strength and support, to do what feels so uncomfortable and painful for us right now. 

I'm anxious to walk the beach when the sun rises and sets.  Mike and I had many memories doing this together, and even though I'll be doing it alone, I will remember those sweet moments we made over the years oceanside.  There before a  sea of endless, salt water; if tears fall, it will be okay.  The expanse of the sea will remind me of how big God is, and how much He has seen me through.  At the bleakest moment, He has surrounded me with His comfort and angels (many of you).

Maybe there can be life and happiness again some day.

Being a Grandma

There have been some pretty intense moments being a grandma.  Words could never describe the joy that comes from a new life brought into this world from your own children.  It is indescribable!  And my heart could never be more filled with happiness.

Then there have been pretty intense moments when the opposite feeling as appeared....again...being indescribable.  No amount of words could ever paint the picture clear enough.

Today, hearing my daughter sobbing while trying to say she was at the emergency room with Ethan, my grandson; almost stopped my heart.  At least, it hurt so bad, I couldn't imagine it being any worse if it had stopped. 

Walking into the ER room and seeing Ethan, after being run over by a golf cart, was frightening.  But watching my daughter and son in law so upset and concerned; was a whole other level of pain new to me. 

Amber is 8 months pregnant, and was struggling to stand from her fear for Ethan and what would need to be done to rule things out. Zac seemed to be blaming himself for not doing this, or that.  Both of them in so much pain.

I'm just so grateful for a merciful Lord.  Tonight, instead of questioning Him why our family was once tested again....I'm praising Him for His extra measures of grace and mercy....not only to allow all the tests to return normal; but for pulling Amber and Zac through probably one of the worst days of their young life.

Whirlwind Trip

Just returned from the quickest trip I think I've ever made.  I flew out to surprise my mom for her 73rd birthday Saturday.  She lives in Florida.  The closest, reasonable flight plan for the Labor Day weekend was flying into Montgomery, Alabama.  My sister, Jaime, drove up from Panama City, Florida to pick me up, then we had a four hour drive south to get to the party.  Twelve hours later, we were back on a flight heading home.  She to Midland, Texas, and me Arkansas. Whew!  You don't do this as easily at 50+ years as you do in your 20's!

A Hug is Worth a Thousand Words.  A Friend is Worth More...