Happy 3rd Birthday, Ethan!

It has been a busy week celebrating Thanksgiving, putting up two Christmas trees (mine and a friends), doing a little Black Friday (and Saturday) shopping, and attending Ethan's 3rd Birthday party!  Right now my house is half done in fall decorations and Christmas.  I can remember a time, I would have never allowed such a thing to take place.  But along with adding years, I've lost some energy too.  I have a new sense of normal....lowered standards. ;-)

Mike use to joke that I was the holiday patrol, ready to issue anyone citations for decorations going up too early, or not coming down too soon. Never would had I allowed Thanksgiving and Christmas to exist together.  

In the midst of having a good time this week, I've managed to also pick up a sore throat.  It's not a huge problem, except that I couldn't love on my granddaughters this evening!  I allowed myself the pleasure of kissing the top of my grandson's heads, but I didn't dare get too close to the girls, being as young and fragile as they are.  I would feel horrible causing them any distress....or their parents.  So I'm praying there will be some extra time in the next few weeks that I can make up for lost time.

I recently wrote I was trying to move along in my grief journey, and I'm making good progress.  I'm moving forward, which I think is a good thing, but I'm also struggling in a few areas.

Since passing the first anniversary of Mike's passing, I have had moments pop into my head, as if I was just waking up from a long winters nap.  I have moments when the gravity of what has happened hits me hard.  Three steps forward and two steps back!

I sort of imagine God placing me into some induced-state coma over the past 370 days, to protect me from the full impact of Mike's loss.  At times, I feel I'm tip-toeing between present reality and acceptance, to a silent state of denial. 

I'm amazed how I can be in a room full of people, and at times feel such loneliness without a spouse standing next to me.  I had been so use to Mike being at my side, sharing life and family with me together.  Yet I can shop or go to work some days, like life is plugging along as usual..as if being single has been my state all along. 

Or I can press on, develop new friends and relationships, which are similar to the state I'm in....and be just fine with it---then following, have this overwhelming guilt that I'm doing something inappropriate, by not remaining the grieving widow.  How I would love to get off of this confusing carousel!

I suppose one good thing about all of this, is that this road isn't easy to walk down, but I'm still trying!  I haven't given up the fight.  I'm still trying to go on for my children and grandchildren.  It may not be the route others may choose, but we're all different, and each of us respond to grief differently. 

I don't know if I'll ever get over losing Mike.  I know I'll never stop missing him.  And I'm ready to say, I've done the best I could, given the situation.

I praise God for giving my heart a hibernating state over the last 12 months, so the full impact of the blow, it's had in my life, didn't reduce me to a devastating state I couldn't come through.  I'm still able to laugh, to praise God, and smile and press more love into my heart; not only for my new grandbabies...but for new friends I've made.  Those relationships are very important to me.  There is a sense of identifying, like nobody else can. I also know that if there has been any confusion in my reaction to this life blow; God will make it all right one day.  He's all knowing.  And He knows what loss feels like.  It tests every fiber of your being.  Some you pass....   Some you stand...only because you've fallen down and stood up, over and over again!

"Walk With Me"  by Gwen Flowers   

Come, walk with me, my friend,
I'll hold your hand.
This journey is not one to understand.

There is no sorting out
Chaff from the wheat.
We have to take the bitter with the sweet.

Come, walk with me,
Along the trail of tears.
We'll share our heartbreak, and our hopes and fears.

This trail is not designed
To walk alone.
But we will make discoveries of our own.

Come, walk with me, my friend,
We'll share the load
Up every hill and down the rugged road.

No map to show the route
Or tell how far.
No compass points the way, or guiding star.

Come, walk with me,
And I will walk with you.
Perhaps we two will find a better view.

Perhaps the trail,
Though thorny on the feet,
Wll widen for two sorrowed hearts to meet.

Come, walk with me
Through brambled vine and thorn.
Step over stones that leave hearts ripped and torn.

The walk is never easy,
That is true.
But you will walk with me, and I with you.

Faith Keepers

Pumpkin Patch/Corn Maze Outing

Several months ago I stepped out of my comfort zone and began a small group for friends who were widowed or single.  Besides our status, we all share a common faith and exist to love and support one another.

Many of you already know I'm about as introverted as they come; yet I felt I had a little strength in organizing activities, and just tried to experiment with seeing how much interest there might be in our community.  We have done several things over the last few months, but the outing above was one of my favorites.  We actually navigated through a corn maze fairly successfully, on account of our fantastic scout...Brooke!  Following the corn maze, we took a hayride down by the river, and then followed that up that afternoon with lunch at Logan's in Conway.  It was a great time and the friendship has been such a blessing to me  personally.

Our next activity is coming up in a week or two and we'll get the chance to embarrass ourselves by playing Gestures (a type of charades)...but I think the food and dessert will make that all seem worthwhile.  And if that isn't enough fun...a few of us may even attempt our latest venture...learning to line dance.  A few of us have practiced and can get to going in different directions, which should be entertaining for those on the sidelines. It should prove to be another great time together.  Friends, Don't Forget!  The date is Saturday, December 4th...6 p.m.!

Our family celebrated Thanksgiving this year on Wednesday due to my son working on Thanksgiving day this year.  There were about 14 of us...including babies. 

Our first activity was a celebration of Mike's life and the year anniversary of his homegoing with Jesus.  We had helium balloons and tied metal tags to them, with a note written, "In loving memory of Mike....husband, father, Papaw, and brother".  On the back we included the date and my phone number, just in case they blew away, and were found by someone.  Drew and Ethan were ecstatic about sending balloons to Papaw/Grandpa, in heaven.  Drew was even speculating they might end up in California or Washington state, and with the kind of weather we had that day...who knows were they might have ended up!

In the picture above..."Nama/Grandma", Drew and Ethan put together our traditional Thanksgiving puzzle.  We've backed off from our days of trying to do 1000 piece puzzles and especially because the little ones like to join in now, we decided to size down.  The one above was more my speed....25 pieces!  It was a Happy Birthday, Jesus puzzle!

My dinner guest and friend, Glenn, actually got on the floor with the boys to do a floor puzzle of 48 pieces of an ocean background.  Glenn was amazed how bright the little ones were as they worked away on it. 

Glenn lost his wife last winter, so it was nice to be able to include him in our family gathering.

The art of puzzle assembly was followed by a yummy Thanksgiving dinner!

What a blessing to have us all together!

Glenn and I volunteered to sit at the children's table, which gave us plenty of mealtime entertainment.

And then following the gathering...Glenn and I came back to my house to do a more "impressive" size puzzle....a 300 piece size. Are you impressed?!! :-)  We had it all done in about 3 hours.  Not too shabby being it was a library scene and every piece of it looked like a library book on a shelf! 

Praise the Lord!  Our family tradition is still intact! We've had to scale back the size of the puzzles, considering toddlers, babies in momma's arms, and stamina...but....the three puzzles were accomplished in a day...instead of the typical month in the past.  What better fun, than to be seeing stars with your loved ones, after staring aimlessly at puzzle pieces, looking like duplicates of the same thing?

Thanks, Jill and Matt, for hosting such a beautiful day together!  You are all such a blessing to me!

An Anniversary

An anniversary, like yesterdays, is not the kind people enjoy noting.  It has been 365 days since we lost Mike.  He fought valiantly to hang on to his life for 2 1/2 years, and I have found it hard going on this past year, without him at my side.  I found my world literally turned upside down.

Saturday was much like the other 364 days, but along with it, came this foreboding thought...this is really real!  Not just some horrible nightmare I will eventually wake up from.  I spent time the last few days thinking about where I'm at, and where I want to go. I came to realize I can either pull myself together, or allow this circumstance to cripple me for the remainder of my life, and constantly live in the past. I choose to live the remainder of my life doing whatever God's purpose is for me.

I have made tiny steps the last year, stepping out in faith, and surrounding myself with other friends in the same place, hoping to use any gift I may have, to help them, as well as myself.  Most times, this has been a positive experience.  In the least, it kept me busy some of the time, and I met some wonderful new friends.

What I would like to do with this blog, is to go forward from here.  To move past the memory of the deep wound from the past 3 1/2 years; and to try and build a new future.  There is nothing wrong with reminiscencing over a beautiful love story, or retelling the world about a wonderful man I use to know.  But my prayer is that God will fill my days with new praises and new journeys I can share here.

Thank you to each family member or friend, who has prayed for me, and given me their shoulder to lean on.  I am still standing because of God's grace and you.

Beverly
sonshineshaven@suddenlink.net

Still By Your Side

If I could have a lifetime wish, a dream that would come true,

I'd pray to God with all my heart for yesterday and you.

A thousand words can't bring you back. I know because I've tried.

And neither will a million tears; I know because I've cried.

You left behind my broken heart and happy memories too.

But I never wanted memories...I only wanted you.

I am gone, not by your side, or so I've heard you say

but I am with you more than you know, each and every day

I am there each morning, as you rise to the morning you dread,

I am nestled up beside you each night when you go to bed

I watch while you are sleeping or lying there awake,

I'm with you when you ask 'How much more can I take?'

I watch with love each time I see you wipe the tears away

I will always be here for the one who thinks of me each day

I see you smile seldom, which is just a way to hide,

know the deep exhausting pain that you feel inside.

I watch you gather all my things to keep the memories alive,

I also know it's the only thing that helps you to survive.

I wish you knew that I was there and I know the pain you feel

I know you have a broken heart that time will never heal.

Just know that I am with you... We really aren't apart

I'm in every breath you take... Nestled in your heart

A Love That Will Never End!

 
 
Sifting Through the Sand

By Gwen Flowers

I sit among the scattered shells,
A shovel in my hand;
But use my fingers, gently curled,
For sifting through the sand.

I'm looking for something I've lost,
But don't expect to find.
The sand is something tangible,
But I'm sifting through my mind.

It's cluttered now with memories
And dreams that wouldn't die,
Like seagrass sometimes hides sandspurs
That make the tender cry.

Like broken glass or other trash,
Are bitterness and fear.
But buried deep within it all
Are treasures I hold dear.

So, deeper still, I plunge my hand
And probe the tender regions
Of an angry, broken heart
That knows so many seasons.

Somewhere in there are treasures
I still hope to find.
Buried in this broken heart
or in this troubled mind.

Somewhere is peace, and laughter.
A way to understand.
New hope, a kind of healing.
Somewhere. In the sand.

"So, if I stand, Let me stand on the promise that You'll see me through, And if I can't, Let me fall on the grace that first brought me to You."

Listen to Sonshines Haven

I'm sure it goes without saying how fun it is to become grandma of two, new, little grand babies!

This morning I had some cuddle time with Emma and she is just adorable!  I'm so blessed God is giving me the opportunity to love on four little ones who call me Grandma....Nama; anything their little bitty hearts want to name me. 

I would have given anything to have shared this experience with Mike. It was so special laughing together at the silly things the boys would do while in our care.  There was just another level of cherishing and joy that I experienced in his presence with our grandchildren.  That void is painful for me now.  The shared energy allowed both of us to keep pace with them, and made being silly...okay. 

I'll never forget Mike's laughter and smile, and the joy he brought to all of our lives.  I hardly measure up to what impact he had.  In some ways, it will be easier with Alyssa and Emma, not to have that longing in their hearts for someone they grew to love so deeply.  Yet...they will be missing a true treasure.  I can only pray God will lead me to be a blessing to them, in spite of myself.

Grief
by Gwen Flowers

I had my own notion of grief.
I thought it was the sad time
That followed the death of someone you love.
And you had to push through it
To get to the other side.

But I'm learning there is no other side.
There is no pushing through.
But rather,
There is absorption.
Adjustment.
Acceptance.

And grief is not something you complete,
But rather, you endure.
Grief is not a task to finish
And move on,
But an element of yourself-
An alteration of your being.
A new way of seeing.
A new definition of self.

Emma Grace

Emma Grace

Born: November 4th, 8:30 a.m.

8 lbs. 6 ounces

21 inches long