All I can think to say for now, is that I need prayer.  I'm in a very dark, sad place.  I'm doing all I can, trusting God to see me through this, but I having trouble.  Thank you for standing in the gap and for your intercessory prayers.

'A Season of Grief' from GriefShare

One reason grief disrupts so many aspects of your life is because your loss is not one isolated loss. You will miss so many qualities and facets of the person you lost that each will become an opportunity to experience grief.

The range of things you need to grieve for may surprise you. Identify your losses and be prepared to grieve for each one.

Use the list below as a starting point.

• your companion
• your lover
• your encourager
• your "entertainer"
• your source of delight
• the one who shares your private jokes
• your breadwinner
• the one who knows you so well
• your housekeeper
• the shoulder on which you cry
• your cook
• the arms that embrace and comfort you
• your mechanic
• the one who always cheers you
• your friend
• your pride and joy

Your list will go on and on. Say your losses out loud to God; speak until you run out of words to say. He knows your deepest needs, and He alone can provide. Do not skip this step.
"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:19).
O God, I have lost so much. Who will fill these gaping holes within me? You, Lord--yes, You. Amen

Losing a Part of Yourself
The loss of a close family member creates extra depth and complexity to your grief. You shared a special and intimate connection with your loved one, and this relationship helped you define who you were. Losing this person has literally ripped you apart on the inside, leaving you unsure of your own identity.

Dr. Jim Conway, speaking of the death of his wife, says, "When Sally died, it was as if someone took a giant samurai sword and just cut me right down the middle. I kept asking myself and God, 'How am I supposed to go on with one leg, with one arm, with half a brain? How am I supposed to do all of this?"

There is hope for you. Your identity can be found again when you abide in the Lord Jesus Christ and place your faith in Him. This will not happen overnight, and the process may be very painful. But Jesus will certainly help you as you depend on Him.

"If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him" (1 John 4:15-16).

Lord Jesus, piece me back together again with Your unfailing love. Amen.

There are some days when all I want more than anything is to be in heaven with Jesus and Mike.  Nothing else makes any sense.  That is where the other part of me is. My heart feels as though it has broken into a million pieces.

"God gives us love; Something to love He lends us."

--Alfred Lord Tennyson

Last evenings meeting with the financial advisor was pleasant.  He was gentle and kind, and prayed with Zac and I about my situation.  There are no "easy" answers, but we are leaving things in God's hands, and agreed to take a few days to think things over.

God has been good to me.  He has provided when everything looked the bleakest.  I trust Him to continue to provide for me.  It may involve change, which doesn't always come easily for me, but I know I will adapt with His help.

When I'm not working, I'm reading.  And if I'm not doing that, I'm sleeping.  The stress from of all this wears me out more easily, more quickly.  I struggle with concentrating.  The absence of Mike in my life is incredibly painful.  I'm so out of balance.  I miss his strength.  I miss his comfort.  I miss his sense of humor. I miss his protection.  I miss being important to somebody.  My mind can't yet get around the finality of all of this.  It only makes me long for heaven...to be with Mike.

Amidst all that I'm feeling, I'm incredibly grateful for each of you who are remembering to lift me in prayer.  The absence of that, would make everything more unbearable.

Tonight, I will be meeting with a financial advisor to discuss my situation and to get some direction.  My son-in-law, Zac, will be with me.  I am trusting God for His wisdom.

I've been learning a few new things about grief this week. 

I've learned it isn't uncommon for the spouse left behind, to try and take responsibility for things we can't control.  We can experience guilt that we were left behind while the other was taken.  I can think of a million better reasons that Mike should have been left instead of me.

The enemy likes to torment those of us with "what ifs"....especially relating to ultimate decisions.  Second guessing decisions about timing those last 12 hours.  What if I had been more forceful getting hospital staff to check Mike sooner? Did I make the best decision involving life support?  Did Mike know what was happening, and did he know how much we loved him? 

Of course, I know the truth, but my mind can torment me sometimes like an unending video of those last few hours, replaying itself, over and over again.  Had I'd known those were the last hours we would have together, I would have done some things differently. 

I've been reading a couple of books about heaven that has brought some peace to my mind and heart.  I'm so thankful for the promise of heaven. My heart smiles thinking there is no more pain for Mike anymore.  But oh how I long for him!  The thought that years may go by before I see him again, grieves me.  I miss him so much already.

In the past two weeks I have celebrated our children's birthdays alone for the first time. That is different all in itself.  Where was the kooky birthday singing greeting this year?  Mike was always the ham.....singing purposely off key, with exaggerated facial expressions. 

Thank you Lord, for those fun memories we can replay in our minds.  Help us to continue to live on, until we are all together again.

"Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe" (Psalm 61:1-3).

Lord, I come to You. My heart is worn out, and I need You. Take my heavy burden today. Amen.

Joyful Heart Club

Tonight was the beginning of something new and uplifting.  My sister had inspired me with a monthly book club she's a part of in Texas.  She suggested I begin something like that here, and I took her advice.

We began a ladies night out with several friends this evening, enjoying eating dinner together at Colton's.  It was great fellowship.  I also met a new friend who lost her husband a couple of years ago.  Her story is almost identical to mine.  I was encouraged listening to her, just knowing someone else knew the pain that has been so deep and wrenching. 

I'm so thankful for a better day today.  I'm sure all of you are relieved to know it went better too.  I apologize for the roller coaster my life seems to be on right now.  I know it may be hard to believe, but I really am trying to live a spirit controlled life.  There is just so much anxiety in my present situation..that it is a moment by moment battle.

I was listening to a brief message from Beth Moore today.  She was sharing that anxiety is the result of feeling you've lost control of something...your life, your health, a situation, etc.  An anxious heart can weigh a person down, aging them, even killing them.  We can become fearful to the point it can immobilize us.  I knew exactly what she was describing.  I need to guard my heart.  I need to inspect it for ailments.  I need to keep my faith in God, and trust Him to work out all of these obstacles.  I keep putting my hands back into the situations, trying to "fix" them myself.  And of course, I fail, and they rattle me.

I praise God for today.  I praise God for good friends and fellowship.  I praise God for all of you who continually lift me and my family up in prayer.  I'm so deeply grateful.

Today was a brand new day and I scooted off to work with a spring in my step.  I was at work for maybe an hour, when one phone call sucked every bit of energy, and optimism right out of me.  From then on, I was working hard doing my job, while fretting over other matters in my head.  I was anxious.  I was off balance.  I was fighting hard to appear normal, while barely keeping my nerves under control.  By the end of the day I was spent.  Completely worn out!  My intentions of going to Bible study fell through.  Instead, I was being counseled by my "little" sister, to take a deep breath, and follow her advice.

There are too many days when I face a new day and wonder what is God trying to teach me through all of this?  I'm beyond feeling I'm an inspiration anymore.  I'm not sold on the idea that I will even be okay.  One day, I'm convinced, I will be.  The next day, I'm uncertain all over again.

I received my professionally bound book today of my journal entries from the past year or two.  I was quite impressed with the way the book printed out.  It certainly was nicer than I had imagined.  But as I sat down this evening to look it over, a sad thought came to my mind.  This isn't a story that I want to read.  I know the ending, and it will make me cry.  So I needed to lay it aside and question, was it worth it, to even have it printed?

Each day I wonder, what is it going to take for me to get out of bed?  Largely, it is my faith that God can help me do, what my heart doesn't really want to do.  Then it's my children and grandchildren.  I already see their broken hearts and I couldn't bare to break them any further.  I also know I have only myself to care for me, so as not to be a further burden to anyone, it's necessary somehow, to get up and get paid something.  But I don't really want to.  I don't want to deal with life...or living...or making decisions...or figuring out problems...or even to try and do a good job at work.  I want to stay in bed. Stay in my pajamas. And forget that other peoples lives are still going on, while mine feels like it's come to an end.

A good friend told me to expect to feel this way a good year or two. My...that seems like a lifetime away!  I'm not convinced I'll last that long.  I suppose as long as I keep fighting...I'm in the race.  Please pray with me that I keep fighting.  Please pray I will continue to trust in God's power and might, when mine is spent.  I'm a weary traveler.

I never knew how painful undoing a life could be.  Today, I closed out Mike's and my checking account.  Small task, but such finality to me.  I hate the very idea of being just Beverly now.  I loved the exclusiveness of being Mike and Beverly, and adding years up together.

I'm feeling forced to make huge decisions I don't even have the answers to.  My mind wants to shut down in avoidance.  That way I can keep one foot on this side, with the familiar, while dangling the other one, where suggestions are being made.   I can reach a point where I emotionally shut down.  I end up sleeping when I can't take any more.  I don't know if this is coping, or emotionally breaking down...but my week is made up of many moments like these.

Borrowing a phrase I've heard recently; Mike always had my back.  There were some things I just never had to worry about.  He spoiled and protected me.  Alone, I'm in strange and uncomfortable territory.  It causes me to be sensitive and put up walls of protection.  Some things have come at me way too fast and I have had to back away from them. 

Thankfully, God is meeting me where I'm at.  He is meeting each and every one of my needs on a moment by moment basis.  He is providing for, and comforting me.  He reminds me I'm not really alone...that He is there right beside me through all of this.  He knows I don't understand, or have all the answers.  He knows I will only be able to digest this new life, at my own pace.  I'm so thankful He is my All in All.

Please keep me in your prayers as I try and make my way, and thank you for your continued love and support.

It's probably not necessary for me to describe how difficult things have been for me lately.  I know I have shared some of those details on this blog already.  After I have calmed myself down, I have often reread what I've shared, and felt embarrassed, or uncomfortable at times, from being so transparent with my feelings.  But this is my reality, and I wouldn't be helping anyone,  if I locked up the truth and pretended differently.  I have learned the best lessons by observing the most honest and humble of people.

As I have said in recent posts, the first six weeks after Mike's passing, were not as difficult as the most recent weeks.  It has been incredibly hard trying to figure out what has taken place, and how I'm going to pick up the pieces I'm left with, and move forward.  You could say I'm having an identity crisis.  I'm not sure where I fit in anymore, or what direction I want to head.

I have been reading a lot...and my newest "read" is a book given to my daughter by our pastor, entitled "One Minute After You Die", by Erwin W. Lutzer.  It has been a blessing to me.

Being married for 34 years, I grew very comfortable letting my husband care for me.  It wasn't difficult for me to be submissive.  My husbands, and my heart, were so "ONE," that we wanted the same things, and were in agreement most of the time.   It's created a panic in me trying to go on now, making huge decisions alone, and being responsible for myself.  I have melted down on several occasions, since Mike's death, not feeling for sure that I will be alright.  And the enemy loves nothing more than a child of God to fall apart, so he can accuse her of not having enough faith, or trust in her Savior.

I was comforted when I read:
"Dying grace does not mean that we will be free from sorrow, whether at our own impending death or the death of someone we love.  Some Christians have mistakenly thought that grief demonstrates a lack of faith.  Thus they have felt it necessary to maintain strength rather than deal honestly with a painful loss. "

"Good grief is grief that enables us to make the transition to a new phase of existence.  The widow must learn to live alone; the parents must bear the loneliness brought on by the death of a child.  Grief dealing honestly with the pain is a part of the healing process.  Christ wept at the tomb of Lazarus and agonized with "loud crying and tears" in Gethsemane at His own impending death (Hebrews 5:7)."

Yes, there have been many tears, and will certainly be many more as I grapple with what has happened.  I am needing to figure what God is wanting to teach me through all of this.   I'm not exactly thrilled I'm in this position, but I know God loves me, understands that, and will be patient with me as I cope.

I pray you will also be patient with me.  I need prayers more than anything.

I know deep in my heart that God doesn't make mistakes, yet I found myself asking Him last night if it were possible.  I had another evening where I felt I wouldn't be able to survive this.  Mike would be the kind that could.  He was the strongest between the two of us.  He would have an easier time of overlooking things and moving on.  If nothing more, he would at least throw himself into his work, his family, his hobbies....something.  I "feel" everything!  And not only that, I can get stuck and become immobilized by a situation.  I don't want to "feel" anymore.  It's too painful.  I'm not sure I can pick up the pieces of my life and move forward.  I told God that last night.  I begged Him to have mercy on me...yet here I am this morning with another day to face.

I'm so grateful for my friends and family reminding me of their thoughts and prayers.  It reminds me I'm not alone.  You are helping me to get through each moment....each day...each week.  Even if I don't throw myself into the activities you are suggesting me to do; you are helping me to remember I'm not completely alone.  I'm just not in a place where I can listen and take your advice or suggestions fully.  I hate to think I'm still falling and haven't hit bottom yet.  I suppose there is more pain ahead....more refining needing to take place.  Inwardly, I'm crying out "uncle," but God is pressing on; doing work in me.  Please pray I will pass this testing and bring Him glory through it.

The kids arranged for all of us to meet at Brick Oven Pizza this evening to celebrate what would have been Mike's 54th birthday.  I know he would be smiling seeing us mark this day in this way.  We all miss him terribly.  I vow to never let the kids or grandchildren forget how he was the heart of our family. He was the smile on our faces, the laughter in our conversation, and the loving arms wrapped around each of us.

I'm grateful we can continue to lean on all of you for your prayers and support.  After looking at the recent posts by me, it's pretty evident how difficult things have been and continue to be.  Everyday is a struggle to get up and move forward.  I'm thankful for the promise of heaven and all of your friendship in the meantime.  By the way....the blog from these past two years has finally been printed into a book.  A legacy for generations to come on how our Heavenly Father and His saints, helped us stand during a fierce storm.  In my heart, I know God gave us extra time to prepare to let Mike go..because of your faithful prayers.

"Suffering has a purpose so deep we may not understand it on earth.  But in the midst of mystery, we are refined.  In the midst of questions, we come to a deeper trust in the One who knows every answer, in the One who laid down His very life for us. 

And as we sing, sing, sing the truth to our souls, we overpower the enemy."

(The God of All Comfort)

What wondrous love is this, O my soul, O my soul!

What wondrous love is this, O my soul!

What wondrous love is this that caused the Lord of bliss

To bear the dreadful curse for my soul, for my soul,

To bear the dreadful curse for my soul.

When I was sinking down, sinking down, sinking down,

When I was sinking down, sinking down,

When I was sinking down beneath God's righteous frown,

Christ laid aside His crown for my soul, for my soul,

Christ laid aside His crown for my soul.

To God and to the Lamb, I will sing, I will sing;

To God and to the Lamb, I will sing.

To God and to the Lamb who is the great "I Am";

While millions join the theme, I will sing, I will sing,

While millions join the theme, I will sing.

And when from death I'm free, I'll sing on, I'll sing on.

And when from death I'm free, I'll sing on.

And when from death I'm free, I'll sing and joyful be;

And through eternity, I'll sing on, I'll sing on;

And through eternity, I'll sing on. 

("What Wondrous Love" by Alexander Means)

This past weekend was a rough one.  Grief hit me hard and basically immobilized me.  I slept a lot when I could.  Did not want to think.  Did not want to feel.

With most things, two months passing, you would expect things should be getting better.  Grief, in my opinion, seems to work in the reverse.  The numbness and shock is wearing off.  Reality is setting in and slapping me hard. Things will never be the same.  I don't want to move a moment beyond this day because it would be one step further from the life I loved so dearly the past 34 years.  I'm hardly able to function, barely hanging on to hope that I can pull through this.  I have an overwhelming fear not to.  What type of testimony would that be?  How would that be bringing God any glory?

How can I be so surrounded by family and friends, as I am, yet feel so alone?  They want to be near.  They want to help.  But I can't handle what they would say or do.  My heart is mourning for Mike.  I want him.  Life isn't making sense without Mike. 

I've questioned whether or not it makes sense to continue this blog.  There isn't anything pretty or inspiring here.  There isn't strength in anything I'm saying...or doing today.  My only hope is there will be testimony on the other side of all of this, that might bring God glory. 

Four Birthdays in Two Weeks Time

Celebrating Amber's 30th Birthday and Zac's 33rd!

Matt's 32nd birthday will be this weekend!

Ambermarie

The Momma to Be, Jill! (6-7 weeks along)

Two Active, little Grandsons!

Uncle Charlie, Ethan, and Aunt Lynne (Mike's Sister)

Lynne, Mike's Sister!

Perspective

Borrowing from what I emailed a friend earlier today:

I have been making a point this week of filling the voids in my life, or trying to resolve issues, with God and God only. My grief is so new, and not under any kind of control, that I feel it would be disasterous if I made any quick or abrupt decisions based on how I am feeling right now.

I think my emotions, being all over the place, is making me vulnerable to what people say...good advice or maybe not so good. Their suggestions may very well be God's plan for my life, but it could also be the wrong move. I'm just trying to listen to God a little more closely to be sure. I'm also trying to learn to be more comfortable in my new skin...so to say. I'm very insecure without Mike right now, and it's too easy for me to let others redirect me. I'm feeling I need to step back and let God take the lead on my future....instead of trying to "fix" everything myself. This road is looking like it is going to be a long trip...so to say...before I know where I want to go or what I want to do. You can pray for me that I would be only sensitive to God's voice with these small and large decisions.

This has been a busy week!  I've held it together, but geez-louise I'm tired!!!  I fretted whether I was ready to return to work.  Emotionally, I didn't feel up to it...but doing my job has been helpful.  I just need to get my energy level caught up with where it needs to be.

I'm learning life goes on even while mine is upside down.  I'm trying to find my footing but it hasn't been easy. I know God is teaching me to refocus on Him.  To look to Him to meet all of my needs. I'm trying to come to terms with my loss but I have a feeling this isn't going to be a quick trip. 

"When God allows Satan to bring grief into our lives, God has a purpose.  For if we actually love God, not for what He gives us, but for Himself, then our souls, instead of shriveling up in suffering, are enlarged.  This seems to be a key reason God allows suffering.  Consider: It was not Satan who first brought up Job's name, but God." (The God of All Comfort)

"Loss, even loss that brings fresh suffering day after day, can work the exact opposite that Satan intends.  Instead of proving us as frauds, it can purify and refine what is true in our hearts and ripple out to our children, to our children's children."  (The God of All Comfort)

"I guard myself from thinking that if I had prayed a certain way, or read the right verses, or even believed a certain way, that God would have somehow "obligated" to answer my prayers in the ways I had wanted Him to.  Just as I also guard myself thinking the opposite, that if Mike died, I was somehow to blame because I didn't pray hard enough or have enough faith.  That scenario would have put me in control, and that is a place I've never wanted to be in.  I am thankful for a Sovereign God who WAS and IS in control.........I resolve to trust Him, regardless of the outcome." (adapted from The God of All Comfort)

I'm still in need of your prayers as I find my way down this path.  I'm grateful for your interest in my blog and our family's walk.  We are so indebted to you for your faithful prayers and all of your loving support.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

My first day back to work went well.  Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.  I got teary eyed a couple of times, but kept things under control for the most part.  Besides having a killer headache most of the day, it was good being back.

Tomorrow Amber will be celebrating her 30th birthday.  If the weather ends up being okay, we plan to meet for lunch and then have a small celebration on the weekend.  It's a little odd celebrating this without Mike this year.  Matt's 30th birthday for Mike a couple of years ago...had him all shook up. :)  Mike's birthday will be next, on January 14th.  The kids planned a get together at a Pizza place here in town to honor their dad's special day.  I thought that was extremely thoughtful.  I'm so blessed to have my children.  Two days later, my sons birthday will come. It's usually a never ending celebration from November through January in our home! But this year it's a little different....a little more difficult.  There's a gapping hole in our hearts.

I would like to ask you to continue to remember our family in your prayers as we try and come to terms with all of this loss, and as we wait to hear if I'll receive any special help medically.  It's looking like the CHIP program is the least expensive medical insurance I quailify for so far, and that is costing an arm and a leg.

Your support, love and friendship mean so much to me.  Thank you for wrapping your arms around me and reminding me I'm not alone.

Love,
Beverly

"It is blessed to know of a place where we can lay our tired head and heart, our heavenly Father's arms, and say to Him, "I can do no more.  And I have nothing to tell you.  May I lie here a while and rest?  Everything will soon be well again if I can only rest in Your arms a while."  --O. Hallesby

First day back to work will be tomorrow.  I'm going to need to focus on just doing the job, in order to keep myself together. A large part of me doesn't feel ready. Walls will need to go up for survival.  I pray everyone will just be patient with me.  This step of returning, is in part, accepting reality that Mike is truly gone.  I'm not sure I can do this.

"God's peace is not an escape from reality.  We are not transfixed or somehow mentally "removed" from feeling pain or struggling...Rather, peace is an undergirding rock-solid foundation so that no matter the tears we cry or the sorrow we feel, deep down inside we know with an abiding assurance that God is with us.  God is in control, and the joy of the Lord is going to emerge far greater than any depth of agony we may be experiencing." --Charles Stanley

I have been earnestly trying to recover my original blog settings that I accidentally deleted over the weekend when making a few changes.  I have managed to get myself back to a cleaner blog slate, and will leave it this way until I can figure out what went wrong.  Thanks for your patience.

New Shoes

I recently received a new pair of shoes and am trying to get use to them.  They look great on the outside, but there is a lot of discomfort on the inside.  One side seems to be more painful than the other.  This is because both feet aren't the same.  Mine are unique.  I'm making adjustments where necessary, because they were given to me, and the person who gave this gift to me, only intended them for my good.  I'm finding, the more I wear them, I'm adjusting to the pinch, or the shoe has begun to take on an easier fit.  They just needed a little time to break in.

Such is my life right now.  I'm adjusting to a new way of living.  It is VERY uncomfortable at the moment, to say the least, and I'm tempted to not want any part of it.  I'm guilty of feeling numb and staring off into space, as well as falling apart, griping and agonizing.  But I'm trying to get use to the new fit. 

I'm receiving advice, well meaning as it can be.  Everyone has their own solution to my problem.  But, nobody has worn 'these particular pair of shoes' before, so even if you think you know the adjustment I need to make, I pray you will at least be patient with me until I discover this myself.  I'm sure one day, when I will look back on this, I'll see the good, because I know God's plan for my life, is only meant for my good.

Thank you for your continued understanding, prayers, love and support. 

A New Look for a New Year

As you may have noticed....there is a new look to this blog!  I decided to make a few changes and ended up with this new creation!  Not necessarily what I was aiming to do, but may have been a good change.  I have lost a few widgets that were on my other page so be patient with me over the next few days as I try and fix them.