Our family would like to ask for your continued prayers for Judy Gray, our daughter-in-law, Jill's, mom. It was discovered yesterday that she has cancer in her left kidney. There are several tumors in it, so the kidney will need to be removed. They believe it is all contained within that kidney, but tests results to confirm this, won't be available until next week.
Jill's baby, Alyssa, is breech and they are planning to turn her at the hospital on August 16th. Some times this can cause labor to begin. As you can see, timing may be a factor. Selfishly, I would love for the baby to turn on her own, and not come until the end of August, to allow more time for Judy's surgery and recovery, and less stress on her, Jill and Jim. Also...I'm concerned for my son Matt. Just recently losing his father and Grandmother; dealing with another loved one fighting cancer is tremendously difficult.
Please be in prayer with us. Lord Jesus, please cover Judy, Jim, Jill and Matt, with your protection and peace. And may Your glory and praise, be brought out of this situation, and only bring our family closer to You, and to each other. In Jesus Name.
7.31.2010
7.30.2010
Utter Chaos
My life has turned into utter chaos lately. I seem to have a million things to do, but I'm accomplishing very little. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not. I guess it could be seen as good, because I have little time to dwell on the past.
At times, I'm almost taken by surprise when I stumble across something of Mike's, like I have somehow distanced myself from that pain in some way...at least temporarily. Other times, I stand staring at stacks of items of his, that I'm trying to sort through, and need to decide what to do with...but can't come to a decision on.
The month of August is going to be a full, and a rough one. There are 8, friend and family, birthday's. Four anniversary's; one being the 29th, which was Mike's and mine. And the arrival of Alyssa, our newest grandbaby. There are also a couple of family members who are having health issues that are clearly on my mind. My mind, if nothing else, is distracted!
To update you: I have not heard anything more from the Disability/Social Security office. I'm still waiting. I am entertaining the idea of selling my home, but haven't begun the process. It's becoming too exhausting to care for...or else I just need to eat some Wheaties, beef up....and get my hind end in gear!
Please continue to pray that I will follow God's will for my life, and won't become distracted by any easy ways out. In the "state of chaos," the potential to miss God's leading could be huge!
At times, I'm almost taken by surprise when I stumble across something of Mike's, like I have somehow distanced myself from that pain in some way...at least temporarily. Other times, I stand staring at stacks of items of his, that I'm trying to sort through, and need to decide what to do with...but can't come to a decision on.
The month of August is going to be a full, and a rough one. There are 8, friend and family, birthday's. Four anniversary's; one being the 29th, which was Mike's and mine. And the arrival of Alyssa, our newest grandbaby. There are also a couple of family members who are having health issues that are clearly on my mind. My mind, if nothing else, is distracted!
To update you: I have not heard anything more from the Disability/Social Security office. I'm still waiting. I am entertaining the idea of selling my home, but haven't begun the process. It's becoming too exhausting to care for...or else I just need to eat some Wheaties, beef up....and get my hind end in gear!
Please continue to pray that I will follow God's will for my life, and won't become distracted by any easy ways out. In the "state of chaos," the potential to miss God's leading could be huge!
7.26.2010
Baby Update
Just a quick update on our newest arrival...making her debut performance soon!
The baby is in a breech position as of last Friday. The plan is to have Jill go to the hospital August 16th for the doctor to try and turn Alyssa. If that is successful the baby will still have the due date as mentioned before. If not, a C-section will be schduled for August 26th.
Please keep Jill, Alyssa, Matt and Drew in your prayers. Thank you!
The baby is in a breech position as of last Friday. The plan is to have Jill go to the hospital August 16th for the doctor to try and turn Alyssa. If that is successful the baby will still have the due date as mentioned before. If not, a C-section will be schduled for August 26th.
Please keep Jill, Alyssa, Matt and Drew in your prayers. Thank you!
7.23.2010
Going on..........
Going on, isn't easily done...especially for me. I am probably one of those groups of people, that tend to look back more, than towards the present, or the future. It isn't because I can't appreciate the good in my life now. It is just that I cherish things almost to a fault. I cling to every last morsel I can, until it slips through my hands.
It also takes courage to move forward, and courage isn't high up on my list of accomplishments, or achievements. It does, if you look back at how I cared for Mike the last three years. I reflect back on the courage we showed, and all we had to endure, and I can even be amazed, but it is only when I look at it with truth, that I realize it wasn't in our strength that pulled us through. It was the strength of God and the prayers of his children. I'm searching for that kind of courage these days. Faith that God will give me answers when I don't even have the questions. Boldly stepping out alone into new territory when I would rather crawl into a ball and hide.
I'm humored at times by the means I've taken to try and cope with the loss of Mike. I've tried every way imaginable to come across as "coping" in stride. In reality, I've made very little progress.
I can't seem to go to church normally anymore. Gosh...I can hardly get myself to go into Walmart alone. The vastness of the building, and the smallness of my person, makes it incredibly uncomfortable for me. I never realized how deeply I hid behind Mike's stature.
I haven't been able to return to the grief support group I tried. The pain on everyone elses face reminds me, of what is in my heart, buried deep underneath my pride. Even my "singles" group is causing me more anxiety than pleasure. It has taken unbelievable courage for someone as shy as I am, to stand up and do something....only to learn that not everyone is in agreement of what I do, or when I do it.
So, if everyone else isn't laughing at the humor in all of this; certainly I should be! I'm living behind a huge mask!
Moving on..... What does that mean for me? What does God want for my life now? And will everyone be in agreement of what that is? How I wish I didn't need to make these kind of decisions. I would give everything to have my life back. To continue cherishing the gifts God has given me over time. To not be afraid of failing, or messing up some one else's happiness or memories.
That's a huge risk, from the least of all risk-taker's.
Father...I need you to step into my "present" and "future" and light the way. Help me to know Your will and Your purpose, and not be easily confused. Lord, you know that pleaser spirit within me. Help me not to become distracted by it, but to listen to Your leading.
It also takes courage to move forward, and courage isn't high up on my list of accomplishments, or achievements. It does, if you look back at how I cared for Mike the last three years. I reflect back on the courage we showed, and all we had to endure, and I can even be amazed, but it is only when I look at it with truth, that I realize it wasn't in our strength that pulled us through. It was the strength of God and the prayers of his children. I'm searching for that kind of courage these days. Faith that God will give me answers when I don't even have the questions. Boldly stepping out alone into new territory when I would rather crawl into a ball and hide.
I'm humored at times by the means I've taken to try and cope with the loss of Mike. I've tried every way imaginable to come across as "coping" in stride. In reality, I've made very little progress.
I can't seem to go to church normally anymore. Gosh...I can hardly get myself to go into Walmart alone. The vastness of the building, and the smallness of my person, makes it incredibly uncomfortable for me. I never realized how deeply I hid behind Mike's stature.
I haven't been able to return to the grief support group I tried. The pain on everyone elses face reminds me, of what is in my heart, buried deep underneath my pride. Even my "singles" group is causing me more anxiety than pleasure. It has taken unbelievable courage for someone as shy as I am, to stand up and do something....only to learn that not everyone is in agreement of what I do, or when I do it.
So, if everyone else isn't laughing at the humor in all of this; certainly I should be! I'm living behind a huge mask!
Moving on..... What does that mean for me? What does God want for my life now? And will everyone be in agreement of what that is? How I wish I didn't need to make these kind of decisions. I would give everything to have my life back. To continue cherishing the gifts God has given me over time. To not be afraid of failing, or messing up some one else's happiness or memories.
That's a huge risk, from the least of all risk-taker's.
Father...I need you to step into my "present" and "future" and light the way. Help me to know Your will and Your purpose, and not be easily confused. Lord, you know that pleaser spirit within me. Help me not to become distracted by it, but to listen to Your leading.
7.22.2010
It's hard to believe we're at the end of July already! Time has flown by lately and we're in the heat of the summer.
The other day I spent a good part of the day mowing my little acre wondering how much longer can I keep this up?! I have just enough strength and energy to mow the lawn, but the rest of the lawn care has fallen to the wayside. The flowerbeds sorely need my attention. What use to bring me joy, now has become some what a burden, or at least a reminder of what I'm neglecting.
I'm still seeking God's will and purpose for my life now. I'm still waiting for the State to give me answers so I know how to proceed. I'm so exhausted from living in limbo, and adjusting to my new state of being. I would sure like to throw this weight off my shoulders. I can.......and I do at times........ Then the next thing I know, I've picked it all back up, and I'm trying to carry it, all over again.
Lord, please show mercy and forgiveness!
The other day I spent a good part of the day mowing my little acre wondering how much longer can I keep this up?! I have just enough strength and energy to mow the lawn, but the rest of the lawn care has fallen to the wayside. The flowerbeds sorely need my attention. What use to bring me joy, now has become some what a burden, or at least a reminder of what I'm neglecting.
I'm still seeking God's will and purpose for my life now. I'm still waiting for the State to give me answers so I know how to proceed. I'm so exhausted from living in limbo, and adjusting to my new state of being. I would sure like to throw this weight off my shoulders. I can.......and I do at times........ Then the next thing I know, I've picked it all back up, and I'm trying to carry it, all over again.
Lord, please show mercy and forgiveness!
7.19.2010
The first instrument Amber ever played (xylophone)! She is 11 months old here.
This picture is of Jill as a baby around the same age as Amber above.
The gown hanging in the back was one made for our grand children by my dads second wife who passed away in 2001 of cancer. It has a slip underneath the dress to embroidery the names of the children on them after they have been dedicated to the Lord.
Mike's sister, Lynne, gave this to Amber. She co-hosted the shower and provided all the food.
Just before everyone arrived. The doll was Amber's. The dress on the doll was the dress Amber wore when she was dedicated to the Lord, and the blanket was also the one I wrapped Amber in.
My girls! Jill is due the end of August. Amber is due the first week in November.
It has been a busy, fun packed weekend! On Friday, Amber and Zac celebrated their sixth wedding anniversary...and I had the joy of spending time with Ethan. We shared dinner...which was a half of a peanut butter sandwich at my house (his choice, over McDonald's, Pizza, etc.), and then we went to watch cousin Drew sing in his Vacation Bible School performance. At one point I had both boys on my lap watching the program...and all I could think of, was how lucky can one grandma feel!?!
Then on Saturday, Mike's sister, Lynne and I, hosted a joint baby shower for Jill and Amber. They received so many sweet baby girl items, and just the presence of all of these sweet women, was a gift all in itself. I'm so grateful for our family and friends!
I continue to trust God for my situation. I have yet to receive a reply to my appeal. It is my plan to sell the house if the request is denied again. I'm not really looking forward to moving....letting go of more......but................things could always be worse.
I'm continuing to seek God's will in so many areas in my life and would like to ask for your continued prayers the month of August. This is not only going to be a busy month...with birthdays, and a baby being born; but it will also be Mike's and my wedding anniversary on the 29th, so that is going to be painful and I'm dreading it. But I will make it to the other side and be okay. ;-)
Thank you for your love and support,
Beverly
7.14.2010
7.13.2010
R & R
I didn't realize how deeply I needed a week off from work. It gave me an opportunity to rest and relax more than usual, and enjoy a little time with Hannah. I also had some time to work on a few things to help me move forward. I can't say they came without anxiety, because that would be a huge lie, but any step forward, even if it's a crawl on my knees, is healing and progress.
Mike's clothes are out of the closet and into totes in another bedroom. All of the medicine is in a bag to be disposed of. The same with the medical supplies. Those two boxes are in the garage ready to GO. That's not a huge amount of progress, but it's a tiny step forward. I still have the clothes in his dresser to work on...but that part of me isn't fully convinced he isn't going to need them. I know that probably sounds spooky...but that thought is in the very back of my mind. Then it will be time to consider the items in Mike's shop, etc.
The hardest part about all of this, is that it's the undoing of a life. Mike's.....and mine! I never realized last November 20th, would be the end of my life too. Everything that made up my life, changed drastically. Eight months later, and I'm just realizing that if God's not going to take me home to be with Mike, then I'm stuck here, needing to find a way to survive physically, spiritually and emotionally. And if I am stuck here...I don't want to be left broken, useless, lonely and miserable. My broken heart needs a little CPR to help it to want to beat again. And I'm getting that through family and close friends.
If Mike taught me anything, it was how to love....how to laugh....how to have fun and enjoy life....and even take some risks in doing that. How to surround yourselves with those you love, how not to take yourself so seriously, and how to go on..when you're dealt a bad hand.
I thank God every day for the love I had with Mike. It was something I never experienced before, and it will be something always inside of me as I move forward. My vow to love and honor him, wasn't just until "death do us part." In my heart and mind, it was "forever,"...even though I may find happiness again. He will always be a part of who I am.
Mike's clothes are out of the closet and into totes in another bedroom. All of the medicine is in a bag to be disposed of. The same with the medical supplies. Those two boxes are in the garage ready to GO. That's not a huge amount of progress, but it's a tiny step forward. I still have the clothes in his dresser to work on...but that part of me isn't fully convinced he isn't going to need them. I know that probably sounds spooky...but that thought is in the very back of my mind. Then it will be time to consider the items in Mike's shop, etc.
The hardest part about all of this, is that it's the undoing of a life. Mike's.....and mine! I never realized last November 20th, would be the end of my life too. Everything that made up my life, changed drastically. Eight months later, and I'm just realizing that if God's not going to take me home to be with Mike, then I'm stuck here, needing to find a way to survive physically, spiritually and emotionally. And if I am stuck here...I don't want to be left broken, useless, lonely and miserable. My broken heart needs a little CPR to help it to want to beat again. And I'm getting that through family and close friends.
If Mike taught me anything, it was how to love....how to laugh....how to have fun and enjoy life....and even take some risks in doing that. How to surround yourselves with those you love, how not to take yourself so seriously, and how to go on..when you're dealt a bad hand.
I thank God every day for the love I had with Mike. It was something I never experienced before, and it will be something always inside of me as I move forward. My vow to love and honor him, wasn't just until "death do us part." In my heart and mind, it was "forever,"...even though I may find happiness again. He will always be a part of who I am.
7.12.2010
"Things"
I wanted today to be productive. The weather cooperated by not tempting me outside with the pop up thunderstorms. I had no company to entertain or any other pressing task on my agenda. So I headed upstairs to the catch all bedroom. In the last week, I had moved most of the toys out of the living room, and upstairs to Amber's old bedroom, along with the baby furniture.
In that room I had also been collecting clothing, I had moved out of Mike's closet recently. Dealing with "Things" became a bigger hurdle than I planned for yesterday. I found myself just moving around in circles, not accomplishing very much. Staring off in the distance...feeling incredibly sad.
For some reason, I can't bear yet to part with anything, unless I think Matt or Amber would want, or could use it. Even with that...there are so many "issues" that are keeping this from being easy too. So I have totes stacked up almost to the ceiling with Mike's things.
I began next, the huge job of gathering up all of the medical supplies that we accumulated over the last three years.....many not even opened. I began to arrange stacks, of what I thought I might use again one day, and what simply were items I would never use. But again, I became numb, not wanting to get rid of tubes, connecting bags, packing tape, syringes, saline solution, patches, gauze...just "things" that became items that helped keep Mike with me a little longer.
Eight months.....and I'm not ready to let go.....of anything of Mike yet. Not his clothes....not his medicine....not items that helped me nurse him at home, to keep him with me a little longer...not any of his valued things. None of these things can bring him back to me, but.........I'm stuck. I guess it will take another day of Divine strength to put them in the car and take them out of my life. I'm caught in between; the reality he isn't with me anymore....and he's never returning. I don't want to live my life stuck...constantly living in the past.
Lord, give me the strength to keep moving forward, and find my purpose in life now. I know You wouldn't want to render me useless. I know Mike wouldn't want me to live the remaining years of my life stuck. But I'm not ready to let go. Please help me to make these adjustments in Your timing.
In that room I had also been collecting clothing, I had moved out of Mike's closet recently. Dealing with "Things" became a bigger hurdle than I planned for yesterday. I found myself just moving around in circles, not accomplishing very much. Staring off in the distance...feeling incredibly sad.
For some reason, I can't bear yet to part with anything, unless I think Matt or Amber would want, or could use it. Even with that...there are so many "issues" that are keeping this from being easy too. So I have totes stacked up almost to the ceiling with Mike's things.
I began next, the huge job of gathering up all of the medical supplies that we accumulated over the last three years.....many not even opened. I began to arrange stacks, of what I thought I might use again one day, and what simply were items I would never use. But again, I became numb, not wanting to get rid of tubes, connecting bags, packing tape, syringes, saline solution, patches, gauze...just "things" that became items that helped keep Mike with me a little longer.
Eight months.....and I'm not ready to let go.....of anything of Mike yet. Not his clothes....not his medicine....not items that helped me nurse him at home, to keep him with me a little longer...not any of his valued things. None of these things can bring him back to me, but.........I'm stuck. I guess it will take another day of Divine strength to put them in the car and take them out of my life. I'm caught in between; the reality he isn't with me anymore....and he's never returning. I don't want to live my life stuck...constantly living in the past.
Lord, give me the strength to keep moving forward, and find my purpose in life now. I know You wouldn't want to render me useless. I know Mike wouldn't want me to live the remaining years of my life stuck. But I'm not ready to let go. Please help me to make these adjustments in Your timing.
7.09.2010
Hannah on our Hike to Cedar Falls
I learned today that I'm not as young as I use to be, that Hannah is terrified of Granddaddy Longleg spiders, that hiking in the rain is no problem when in a forest, that this trail is the worst Stairmaster out there, and that Hannah can run over a snake and hit a bird all within a few feet on our way home in the convertible.
A Night Out (Mute Music Below to Hear Video)
Note: Zac's golf ball going in between Ethan's legs! Great timing!
7.08.2010
Hannah's Visit
It has been a great week already! Hannah and I have been enjoying our time together. We have discussed her college plans for this coming year, new friends in her life, and her job as a lifeguard. It has given me the opportunity to become acquainted with the young lady she's grown into, and is no longer frozen in my mind, the little girl I once knew. I'm amazed by her maturity and take on life. Her dreams and goals have offered me a sneak preview of how her future might unfold. Her parents have done an incredible job raising her to be responsible, thoughtful, and grounded.
We've enjoyed a few fun things, despite the rainy, overcast weather this week. She's been enjoying driving the Miata with the top down. We even had it down yesterday on a drive to Petit Jean Mountain, while it was sprinkling. Moving at the pace we were, the rain barely touched us. We drove up to Petit Jean yesterday to ride the paddle boat on the lake together. What fun and great exercise! I haven't done that for 15 years! Tonight we're hoping the weather will cooperate with us enough to play some miniature golf with Amber, Zac and Ethan. Even if it doesn't, there are plenty of other inside activities we can enjoy before her visit ends Saturday morning.
We've enjoyed a few fun things, despite the rainy, overcast weather this week. She's been enjoying driving the Miata with the top down. We even had it down yesterday on a drive to Petit Jean Mountain, while it was sprinkling. Moving at the pace we were, the rain barely touched us. We drove up to Petit Jean yesterday to ride the paddle boat on the lake together. What fun and great exercise! I haven't done that for 15 years! Tonight we're hoping the weather will cooperate with us enough to play some miniature golf with Amber, Zac and Ethan. Even if it doesn't, there are plenty of other inside activities we can enjoy before her visit ends Saturday morning.
7.02.2010
Hannah Grace
Hannah just graduated from high school a few weeks ago. As part of her graduation present; her parents gave her a trip here to spend some time with me. I'm so excited!
(Hannah and her mom drove down to MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston to see Mike just before his surgery in 2008. )
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