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In 2007, I began my original website, Sonshine's Haven. In 2007, it was turned into a blog and used to keep family updated on my first husband's fight with liver cancer. He passed away November of 2009. We were married for 34+ wonderful years and this journals some of that grief process I've gone through.

I have since remarried another widower, but Mike is missed dearly, and will always be a big part of my life.

At times, all of us will be called to act as witnesses to the suffering of another. We will be unable to affect the outcome physically. Words will fail us. Prayer will seem futile. And yet, the act of bearing witness to someone else's trials is a sacred sorrow that offers and astounding glimpse of eternal joy." by Ginger Garrett

"Being willing to stay with a loved one throughout their travail, can be difficult....YES! But offering yourselves as faithful companions on a dark and dreadful journey can be an unmeasured blessing." (paraphrased by me)

7.13.2010

R & R

I didn't realize how deeply I needed a week off from work.  It gave me an opportunity to rest and relax more than usual, and enjoy a little time with Hannah.  I also had some time to work on a few things to help me move forward.  I can't say they came without anxiety, because that would be a huge lie, but any step forward, even if it's a crawl on my knees, is healing and progress.

Mike's clothes are out of the closet and into totes in another bedroom.  All of the medicine is in a bag to be disposed of.  The same with the medical supplies.  Those two boxes are in the garage ready to GO.  That's not a huge amount of progress, but it's a tiny step forward.  I still have the clothes in his dresser to work on...but that part of me isn't fully convinced he isn't going to need them.  I know that probably sounds spooky...but that thought is in the very back of my mind.  Then it will be time to consider the items in Mike's shop, etc.

The hardest part about all of this, is that it's the undoing of a life.  Mike's.....and mine!   I never realized last November 20th, would be the end of my life too.  Everything that made up my life, changed drastically.  Eight months later, and I'm just realizing that if God's not going to take me home to be with Mike, then I'm stuck here, needing to find a way to survive physically, spiritually and emotionally.  And if I am stuck here...I don't want to be left broken, useless, lonely and miserable.  My broken heart needs a little CPR to help it to want to beat again.  And I'm getting that through family and close friends.

If Mike taught me anything, it was how to love....how to laugh....how to have fun and enjoy life....and even take some risks in doing that.  How to surround yourselves with those you love, how not to take yourself so seriously, and how to go on..when you're dealt a bad hand. 

I thank God every day for the love I had with Mike.  It was something I never experienced before, and it will be something always inside of me as I move forward.  My vow to love and honor him, wasn't just until "death do us part."  In my heart and mind, it was "forever,"...even though I may find happiness again.  He will always be a part of who I am.
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