"Things"

I wanted today to be productive.  The weather cooperated by not tempting me outside with the pop up thunderstorms. I had no company to entertain or any other pressing task on my agenda.  So I headed upstairs to the catch all bedroom.  In the last week, I had moved most of the toys out of the living room, and upstairs to Amber's old bedroom, along with the baby furniture. 

In that room I had also been collecting clothing, I had moved out of Mike's closet recently.  Dealing with "Things" became a bigger hurdle than I planned for yesterday.  I found myself just moving around in circles, not accomplishing very much.  Staring off in the distance...feeling incredibly sad. 

For some reason, I can't bear yet to part with anything, unless I think Matt or Amber would want, or could use it. Even with that...there are so many "issues" that are keeping this from being easy too.  So I have totes stacked up almost to the ceiling with Mike's things.

I began next, the huge job of gathering up all of the medical supplies that we accumulated over the last three years.....many not even opened.  I began to arrange stacks, of what I thought I might use again one day, and what simply were items I would never use.  But again, I became numb,  not wanting to get rid of tubes, connecting bags, packing tape, syringes, saline solution, patches, gauze...just "things" that became items that helped keep Mike with me a little longer. 

Eight months.....and I'm not ready to let go.....of anything of Mike yet.  Not his clothes....not his medicine....not items that helped me nurse him at home, to keep him with me a little longer...not any of his valued things.  None of these things can bring him back to me, but.........I'm stuck.  I guess it will take another day of Divine strength to put them in the car and take them out of my life.  I'm caught in between; the reality he isn't with me anymore....and he's never returning.  I don't want to live my life stuck...constantly living in the past.

Lord, give me the strength to keep moving forward, and find my purpose in life now.  I know You wouldn't want to render me useless.  I know Mike wouldn't want me to live the remaining years of my life stuck.  But I'm not ready to let go. Please help me to make these adjustments in Your timing.