Going on..........

Going on, isn't easily done...especially for me.  I am probably one of those groups of people, that tend to look back more, than towards the present, or the future.  It isn't because I can't appreciate the good in my life now.  It is just that I cherish things almost to a fault.  I cling to every last morsel I can, until it slips through my hands.

It also takes courage to move forward, and courage isn't high up on my list of accomplishments, or achievements.  It does, if you look back at how I cared for Mike the last three years.  I reflect back on the courage we showed, and all we had to endure, and I can even be amazed, but it is only when I look at it with truth, that I realize it wasn't in our strength that pulled us through.  It was the strength of God and the prayers of his children.  I'm searching for that kind of courage these days.  Faith that God will give me answers when I don't even have the questions.  Boldly stepping out alone into new territory when I would rather crawl into a ball and hide.

I'm humored at times by the means I've taken to try and cope with the loss of Mike.  I've tried every way imaginable to come across as "coping" in stride.  In reality, I've made very little progress. 

I can't seem to go to church normally anymore.  Gosh...I can hardly get myself to go into Walmart alone.  The vastness of the building, and the smallness of my person, makes it incredibly uncomfortable for me.  I never realized how deeply I hid behind Mike's stature.

I haven't been able to return to the grief support group I tried.  The pain on everyone elses face reminds me, of what is in my heart, buried deep underneath my pride.  Even my "singles" group is causing me more anxiety than pleasure.  It has taken unbelievable courage for someone as shy as I am, to stand up and do something....only to learn that not everyone is in agreement of what I do, or when I do it. 

So, if everyone else isn't laughing at the humor in all of this; certainly I should be!  I'm living behind a huge mask!

Moving on.....  What does that mean for me?  What does God want for my life now?  And will everyone be in agreement of what that is?  How I wish I didn't need to make these kind of decisions.  I would give everything to have my life back.  To continue cherishing the gifts God has given me over time.  To not be afraid of failing, or messing up some one else's happiness or memories. 

That's a huge risk, from the least of all risk-taker's.

Father...I need you to step into my "present" and "future" and light the way.  Help me to know Your will and Your purpose, and not be easily confused.  Lord, you know that pleaser spirit within me.  Help me not to become distracted by it, but to listen to Your leading.