I've learned it isn't uncommon for the spouse left behind, to try and take responsibility for things we can't control. We can experience guilt that we were left behind while the other was taken. I can think of a million better reasons that Mike should have been left instead of me.
The enemy likes to torment those of us with "what ifs"....especially relating to ultimate decisions. Second guessing decisions about timing those last 12 hours. What if I had been more forceful getting hospital staff to check Mike sooner? Did I make the best decision involving life support? Did Mike know what was happening, and did he know how much we loved him?
Of course, I know the truth, but my mind can torment me sometimes like an unending video of those last few hours, replaying itself, over and over again. Had I'd known those were the last hours we would have together, I would have done some things differently.
I've been reading a couple of books about heaven that has brought some peace to my mind and heart. I'm so thankful for the promise of heaven. My heart smiles thinking there is no more pain for Mike anymore. But oh how I long for him! The thought that years may go by before I see him again, grieves me. I miss him so much already.
In the past two weeks I have celebrated our children's birthdays alone for the first time. That is different all in itself. Where was the kooky birthday singing greeting this year? Mike was always the ham.....singing purposely off key, with exaggerated facial expressions.
Thank you Lord, for those fun memories we can replay in our minds. Help us to continue to live on, until we are all together again.
"Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe" (Psalm 61:1-3).
Lord, I come to You. My heart is worn out, and I need You. Take my heavy burden today. Amen.
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