Trying to Bounce Back

Some times I feel like I take one step forward and three steps back.  Saturday was mostly a good day for me, but I overdid it and paid for it on Sunday.  It didn't help that Sunday was Valentine's Day.  I was seventeen when Mike became my Valentine.  That was a lot of Valentine years together.

I'm so glad to have a few months off from celebrating, or marking an event Mike isn't a part of anymore.  I suppose Father's Day in June, more birthdays in August, and my wedding anniversary in August, will be the next hurdles to cross over....but for now....I  need time to just heal, and to try and rebuild my life.  I need to become comfortable being alone.  I need to become comfortable being back at church without Mike.  This has been a larger problem than I had anticipated.  I'm not comfortable in my own skin.  Perhaps, because the other half of me is missing! 

I am doing some forward thinking things though.  I began a ladies club named Joyful Heart that meets once a month, to help me develop closer friendships and opportunities to fill my time with. I also reached out to another friend who lost her husband and we had dinner together at my house Saturday.  I actually remembered how to cook...after not doing it for awhile.  We had a great time talking and crying, and we even discussed possibly traveling together in the future.  I also have made contact with a friend in church who also lost her husband last year, and we're making plans to get together.  I need to surround myself with people who have more experience at surviving this life changing experience.  I don't want Mike's death to define me for the rest of my life and become someone who turns into a recluse.

I have always been so shy that it is tremendously difficult for me to reach out in a personal type setting.  I lose my train of thought often when I'm talking, and even stutter when I become extremely nervous, or say the wrong thing.  It's become a joke in my family when I put the wrong phrases together, but it can be extremely embarrassing for me in front of those who I hardly know.  It's easier for me to just stay quiet and not mingle.  In a business setting I have no choice but to step out, and I usually do better...but I still can freeze up and have trouble.  Mike was the bold one between the two of us.  He was always the one who broke ground to help me feel more comfortable.  But.... life has changed, and now I'm trying to survive.

There seems to be an interest in a group for those of us who have lost spouses...and from what I've heard, there isn't one in town.  How I wish it would become someone elses burden to begin something like this.  For me...it's becoming another example of "Moses and the Burning Bush" story (Exodus 3:5-6).  I would prefer for Him to use someone elses voice and outgoing personality.  I'm a greater follower than a leader.  But if it's something I feel I need, I won't sit idle and do nothing, without trying. The questions would be, is there any interest in this from others, or more importantly, is it even God's will?  I'm praying, and bouncing these thoughts off to some trusted friends.  I have been deeply blessed by others sharing their own stories with me as they travel down this same road.  You finally realize you're not going fully crazy after all!

Bounce Back Tip:  Don't put added pressure on yourself to hurry back to normal.  There is no such thing as normal for you right now.  What's important is that you're nurturing your wounds appropriately, instead of nudging them to heal so rapidly that you bruise yourself further in the process. (such a fine line to straddle)