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In 2007, I began my original website, Sonshine's Haven. In 2007, it was turned into a blog and used to keep family updated on my first husband's fight with liver cancer. He passed away November of 2009. We were married for 34+ wonderful years and this journals some of that grief process I've gone through.

I have since remarried another widower, but Mike is missed dearly, and will always be a big part of my life.

At times, all of us will be called to act as witnesses to the suffering of another. We will be unable to affect the outcome physically. Words will fail us. Prayer will seem futile. And yet, the act of bearing witness to someone else's trials is a sacred sorrow that offers and astounding glimpse of eternal joy." by Ginger Garrett

"Being willing to stay with a loved one throughout their travail, can be difficult....YES! But offering yourselves as faithful companions on a dark and dreadful journey can be an unmeasured blessing." (paraphrased by me)

5.13.2010

A Time to Mourn

I hear a lot of people say that everyone grieves differently and that you will one day find your new normal.  I use to cringe thinking of that, because how could my life ever "feel" normal again, if it takes something "new" to make it normal?!

I'm guessing men and women grieve differently. Men tend to hold a lot inside, including their emotions.  Women share and cry....and cry some more. I have been trying to listen to every one's "story" to find my way through all of this.  I have done plenty of crying the last couple of years.  I'm also assuming that the circumstances surrounding the grief period, factor in as well. I know some who have been grieving 2-4 years and others who have not stopped grieving 15 years later.  My boss is a widower and his grieving process lasted about a year. 

I know for myself, I've been grieving since July 13, 2007.  That's where my living stopped.  My fears began the moment I received the call from Mike, and that's when my grieving process began..not last November. 

I held hope, but never saw life the same way again.  It was then when I began releasing Mike's hand. God slowly and graciously pried ours apart from each other.  And yes, I can say that God was gracious, because I could have lost him so much sooner.  Instead, He gave me two and half years to treasure every minute, of every day, we shared together.  I'm so deeply grateful for that time, and that's why I feel I'm doing as well as I am now.

It wasn't easy last November saying goodbye to Mike in the hospital, but I knew that wouldn't be forever.  I have the promise I'll see Mike again, and I'm anxious for that reunion.  But Mike wouldn't want me to live the remainder of my life here, in such a depressed state, that I'm unable to function, or to be happy again.  So I'm doing everything within my power to heal, and I believe each day I'm learning how to go on.  If God didn't take me with Mike...then there's still purpose for my life here, and I want to know what it is.  I want to finish the race strong.  I want my children to finish their race strong.  Mike would want that!

So, as I continue to find my "new normal," pray with me, that I find God's purpose as well.
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