"The Blessing"

There's a tug of war going on inside my heart.  Part of me wanting to move past all of this pain and sadness, and experience joy again, and the other part of me wanting to hold on to what I had, and not let go.  My world just seems so upside down and foreign right now.

I have misplaced the joys I had working in my yard, redecorating my home, trying a new recipe, experiencing the deep joy around my family, even growing in my spiritual life. Instead, so much is weighing now on what the state of Arkansas says, and where that leaves me.  I can't even escape and just take a little time for myself to relax and heal.  It's a feat just to get out of bed each morning. 

I have had so many suggestions on how to go forward, a lot I probably asked for, that I'm so lost in what is the right thing for ME to do.  It paralyzes me and shuts me down emotionally.  My heart is at the top of the highest point of a roller coaster, fearing the trip down on the other side.  The unknown can be so dark and scary.

I have so many good people in my life right now, so many dear friends.  My family is such a blessing to me.  I was so good at cleaving to Mike, that I think I'm unknowingly, trying to place that role on to my family and friends now, and I know that isn't healthy. 

A friend shared with me recently that I needed to learn to stand alone before moving on with my life without Mike.  I hated that advice!  I don't do alone well, after having a life time of such togetherness.  The comment made me feel somewhat like damaged goods, but maybe it is truth.

I know I do better with affirmation than I do with even constructive criticism.  When other's believe that I'm going to come through this....THAT strengthens me to want to hang in the race, and continue trying.  Seeing, not by my eyes, but with my heart and by my faith, that my children, family, friends, or even myself; can come through challenges successfully...that is a blessing. 

Years ago, I read a book entitled "The Blessing" and it has always been a model for me on how to encourage, or bring out the best in my children and others.

That's what I need so much right now.....a "Blessing," that others see me succeeding...even now...when they see me struggling the most.

With all of my faith, trust and strength, all I really know to do is cleave to God, my Savior, and rest under the protection of his wing.  I'm confident He will see me through all of this, and I also know He treasures me and desires to spend time with me.  So when I feel most alone I can remember I'm not.