Bumpy Journey

Well..this weeks journey has been a little bumpy.  I have been shipwrecked on shore for several days in a row, not wanting to show any attempt that I want to be here in this life.  I'm learning not to ask, will these rough spots, ever end?  They are in my life for the time being, and my only goal is trying to survive them, and finding the lessons they are leaving behind.  But just for the few that I know who have been worried....I've climbed back out of the pit once again, and I'm back on the road to going forward.

I faced the lion tonight, and went back to my support group meeting.  I didn't want to be there....in fact, I told my friend I wasn't going to meet her there tonight.  But after 15 or 20 minutes, I felt it was really unfair of me to invite her to these classes....have her change a painting class she usually attends on Wednesday evenings so she could go with me to these meetings, and then have me back out on her.  I just couldn't stay with that decision.  So I called her up, and told her I would meet her there.

These meetings have been brutal for me.  I can't pinpoint one particular thing that is my problem there.  I think the specific issues being addressed are just hitting too close to home. 

This week, there were mostly dry eyes....including mine. The discussion went more to how all of us are trying to live with the outcome, and less how the story began.There was more interaction, with several sharing how they have handled certain things.  I'm still surprised how many in this class have losses over 2 years old, and wounds still fresh.  Us newbies, are only a handful.  I'm not very encouraged by that.  I don't want to be feeling this raw two years out from now.  But the point, that we all grieve in different ways, and at different paces, was made clear.

The video discussed how we are trying to accept our new life; trying to help others know how to understand our feelings of grief (by possibly having us write a grief letter to our family and friends).  We also discussed packing up the past (moving out and distributing our loved ones things). And drawing a new timeline from here forward (accepting our singleness and going on with our lives and our future).  I found much of this conversation hard to listen to. 

I'm still in the place where I'm fighting to hang on to my original normal.  I want my husband back.  I want my life back. I want my status back.  I want my security back.  I want Mike's arms around me.  I want to giggle with him playing with our grandchildren. I want to jump in the Miata with him and drive no where.  I want all of this... and more.  I'm mad that I'm being forced to give it over.

I don't know if these meetings are good for me. Maybe they are because they are forcing me to face my feelings and anger.  And I can rest assured they are fully biblical and sound.  But I'm wanting someone just to show me how to get back what I lost....and that answer isn't coming.  They talk about facing the truth and finding your "new normal".  I don't want a new normal!!!  I want MY normal!!! I hate that word...as much as I hate the word single!!!  I worked hard at my 34 years of marriage.  I cherished it, and I wanted those days on a front porch with Mike in rocking chairs.

I don't think 13 classes are going to be enough for me to make any progress coming away feeling like I am!  I'll probably be one of those students that has to repeat the course over and over again!  But....I did go tonight...and that at least, is one foot in front of the other.  And I may go again next week....if I can talk my heart into it again.