Some times, what seems like a good idea at the time, doesn't end up being so great when you go to do it.  It isn't anyone else's fault. They couldn't make tonight more friendly and welcoming.  I just can't figure out what I want or need anymore.

Tonight, I went to the new grief support group, I've been thinking for weeks now, had to be my answer to navigate through this crisis I'm in.  But the closer the time came to go to it, the more the anxiety built...to where I finally had to take some anti-anxiety medication, just to be able to get in the car and go. Honestly, had it not been that I invited at least two other people to attend, I think I would have backed out altogether.  What in the world is wrong with me!?  I can't make a bit of sense out of my life anymore!!!

All this tells me, is that there still is a lot of work to be done in my life.  I also feel, all the efforts I've made since Mike's passing to move forward, would completely fizzle, if I stopped doing my part.  I think it's all more important to me than to anyone else.  Maybe today is just a heavy day...and I should just chalk it all up to that.  You can be in a room full of people, and feel so alone, just because the one who made your heart feel so much joy, isn't there. 

Tonight, I heard so much pain as others shared their stories.  There were so many broken hearts being shared.  I thought this would be a comfort to me, hearing others tell their stories, yet it only caused me to feel such deeper sadness.  Life just really seemed unfair.  I think I'm just worn out emotionally and physically trying to adjust to all of this.  Does this ever get any easier?

I never thought I was one who took anything for granted.  I relished every moment...every memory of my life and marriage.  But when your life comes to a complete halt, and you wake up one morning with every bit of it changed...you look back and realize how much time you really did waste on trivial things.  What a sin!

Thank God I have a full week to decide if I'm going to attempt going to meeting number two.  To borrow a key phrase from the DVD portion of tonights meeting....I'll need to decide if "I'm going to lean into the grief", or run away from it.  I guess there is a 50% chance, I'll succeed....if I look at things optimistically.  But all it takes is a new day to bring a new outlook...and I'll keep praying for that.