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In 2007, I began my original website, Sonshine's Haven. In 2007, it was turned into a blog and used to keep family updated on my first husband's fight with liver cancer. He passed away November of 2009. We were married for 34+ wonderful years and this journals some of that grief process I've gone through.

I have since remarried another widower, but Mike is missed dearly, and will always be a big part of my life.

At times, all of us will be called to act as witnesses to the suffering of another. We will be unable to affect the outcome physically. Words will fail us. Prayer will seem futile. And yet, the act of bearing witness to someone else's trials is a sacred sorrow that offers and astounding glimpse of eternal joy." by Ginger Garrett

"Being willing to stay with a loved one throughout their travail, can be difficult....YES! But offering yourselves as faithful companions on a dark and dreadful journey can be an unmeasured blessing." (paraphrased by me)

8.30.2010

Passing a Marker

I dreaded this past Sunday.  I didn't want to experience my wedding anniversary alone; yet I knew there was little I could do, to stop it, except live through it. It is suppose to be easier next year.  At least, that's what I have been told.  I'm not convinced.

I spent the day alone...trying to do anything I could to reflect on a wonderful part of my life.  To praise God for the blessing of 35 years with such a self-less and wonderful man.  The "energy" of our family.

There is such a hole in our family without him.  And I'm learning there isn't any way possible for me to fill that void.  I am not Mike.  I am not even the same person I was, since he went HOME to be with Jesus.  He brought out a side of me, that doesn't exist anymore.  It frustrates me.  It's frustrating to my family.  I don't know what the answer is to fix all of this.

So as with anything else I'm doing right now....I'm trying to keep moving forward, to avoid collapsing into a heap on the floor, and be labeled "useless" or a "burden".  I try to slap on the best smile and attitude I can get by with, and I keep placing one foot in front of the other.....even if, it isn't always a popular direction.  I'm trusting God to direct my steps, and to forgive me, if I wandered off path and lost my way.  This is new territory...so I'm bound to make mistakes...and I can reassure everyone; I'm making plenty of mistakes.

If you happen to cross into this path of sorry existence; I truly apologize.  I really am doing my best.  And I'm grateful for any forgiveness you may offer me.
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