As I look up to the skies above,
The stars stretch endlessly--
But somehow all those rays of light
Seem dimmer now to me.

As I watch the morning sun appear,
The shadows still don't fade—
As if the brightest light of all
Was somehow swept away.

Though I see the branches swaying,
And watch their dancing leaves--
The echoes carried on the wind
Don't sound the same to me.

As I listen to the morning birds
Sing softly from afar--
It seems to be a mournful tune
That echoes in my heart.

Another day has come again,
As time moves surely on--
But nothing now seems quite the same,
To know that you are gone.

The days and weeks and months ahead
Will never be the same--
Because a treasure beyond words
Can never be replaced.

The loss cannot be measured now,
The void cannot be filled--
And though someday the grief may fade,
Your mark will live on still.

For even with my heavy heart,
I know that I've been blessed
To have been one who's life you touched
With warmth so infinite.

an adaptation of  The Journey of Grief..........

"You Live in a New World"



"My sister in law said it best after the death of my brother.  She told me, "You have lost a brother and I know that hurts.  But my whole world has been turned upside down.  Almost everything about me has been changed.  This change upsets my equilibrium and makes my whole world shake.

Grief is not like a disease that can be cured.  Grief is an amputation of part of you....that must be healed over, but will never be replaced.  It takes time and grace to learn how to go on without that part of you.

You get in a battle with yourself, trying to decide if you want to live or die, at times physically....but most especially....emotionally.  A lot of the time, the decisions to live again can be rather dramatic, and may not even seem familiar to you.  It takes time to get comfortable.

There are times in this grief process when you will be a little crazy, and it is all right to be crazy during these times.  The most important thing is not to fight yourself.  When you don't feel normal, it is important that you not panic and try to force yourself to feel different.  Feel what you feel.  And don't beat yourself up.  The hardest part of grieving is learning to let it happen.  Re-defining "normal" for you,  is the freedom to feel what you feel, and react like you react.  There are no right or wrong pathways."

I often feel like the boy above, searching for God's answers to the problems in my life. 

Perspective comes hard for me.  Often times, solutions are so close I can touch them, yet I get weighted down by all of my baggage, or I'm too busy trying to fix things myself.  I never stop fretting long enough to rest in God's arms, and just keep faith He'll provide a way out for me...and will take care of all the details.  All I really need to do is just trust Him, and watch Him part the sea, or send manna from heaven.

I'm sorry to confuse some of you with my last post.

I am doing alright.  I'm tired, have been flaring, and have been weary of the battles that seem to be unending.  But I'm coping with all of it the best I can.  Because of this, I have found it easier to avoid "stressing" situations.  Anything I don't "have" to do, I've been avoiding.  I thought this was best for me, but after some counseling recently, I've been advised to push through those feelings and face those giants....possibly because there may be support and comfort there.  We'll see.  I'm just so overwhelmed lately and would love nothing more than to slip under a rock and disappear for a little while.  If only life could be that easy!

I'm missing Mike greatly.  It now has been 325 days without Mike, and today is the 11th month anniversary.  I still wake up asking God "Why?"  I still question how am I going to keep going forward.  I'm incurring roadblocks and battles I never saw coming, and I'm realizing how much Mike and I worked as a team in our family unit.  He really led our family and I stink at this job without him.

I continue to need your prayers.

"Life is painted with watercolors, when sharing it with those you love.  Anything else is just a snapshot.  You see the picture in black and white, but you miss the warmth, the full beauty, and the exuberant color, when shared with others, which brings the picture to life."  --Sonshine

It has been a week of lessons.   Some have come with laughter.  Others have come by many tears.  I have vacillated from feeling the deepest love holding my newest granddaughter, to the deepest despair, still trying to adjust to my life as it presently is.  You would think after 323 days behind Mike's passing, I would have better footing.  But I don't.  What I have learned to do is mask things fairly well; unless I'm feeling lousy.  Then it is hard to put on the charade.

I've ran away from some things that just were too uncomfortable to deal with at the moment.  I didn't beat myself up over them.  I just decided to take each one as they came, and do the best I could.  But, it could be that I haven't maintained the right balance to continue the healing process.  I may have only allowed a distraction.

So my goal these next few weeks is to resume a normal existence, regardless of how painful that might become.  I'm going to try and take things head on and pass through this dark, and some times, frightening tunnel.  I would greatly appreciate your prayers as I journey forward.

A Day With Alyssa

Sunday, I was blessed with a full day of holding and loving on Alyssa, my newest grandbaby.  She, and her cousin on the way, "Emma", have been a kiss from heaven.  In a year of so much anguish, sadness and questions; God sent us a blessing by adding these two little angels to our family.  The loss is still enormous, and the grief is still being worked through, but one look at these little girls faces reminds us that God is Sovereign.  He loves us deeply.  And He will see us through all of this suffering, with our family still intact.

Surrender to the Suffering- Day 315
"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us" (Romans 8:18 nasb).

313 days...and yet another plateau through this grieving process! My mind still surprises me with moments of intense grief over the loss of Mike. There has become a new sense of acceptance, that for whatever reason or purpose, God is sovereign in His decision of taking Mike home. I still don't understand why, and that tangles me up quite a bit at times, but I feel I'll only get those answers one day when I'm sitting at the knees of my Heavenly Father. I could name a million reasons why I should have deserved such a fate. For whatever reason; I'm the one left behind. I'm the one left with trying to make sense of all of this.

My Lord and Savior has brought many people in and out of my life over time. Some, He has left here, giving me compassion and understanding. Some, He has provided, to challenge and encourage me forward. And others, as a reminder that I'm still living, can continue going on, and be happy again one day.

I have had HUGE hurdles to crawl over....and I say this with complete certainty. Very few days, have I felt I have made it firmly to my feet. I've spent most of the time propped up by prayers; it's amazing I accomplish very much at all. But I continue to try.  I don't believe anyone could fault me for not trying.

I've spent a lot of my time trying to gain perspective on what I'm doing, and where I'm at. I'm weighing every thought and action I make, trying to measure if I'm off path, or still heading in a positive direction in this grief process. Too many days than I can measure, I've cried, feeling so confused,..so abandoned. Many more days, it has been a challenge for this Believer to want to go on, but God understands that even still; keeping me safe and covered with His protective arm around me.

I have felt, at times, that I've been laid out totally bare. The lack of privacy has taught me so many lessons on mercy, humility and grace. Being such a private, quiet person; I've learned how to be a "receiver" of God's mercifulness and love, through so many dear family and friends. And I have learned the blessing that comes from helping others in similar situations.

I have almost made it through a full year without having Mike's hand to clasp, or his eyes to encourage me forward. In so many ways, I lost Mike over a period of months...years. Fragments of our relationship fell aside...the casualty from illness. But there was always our deep friendship, love and respect for one another, and any time I felt discouraged or frightened with the path I was on; Mike's tender words always calmed and reassured me.

Standing alone has been the hardest. Facing this giant has been the most intimidating. It has been a lonely journey. Even in the midst of a crowd of people, the loneliness has been incredible. I have cried out to God so many months, that I've wondered if He's ever heard me. I've been distressed that He may have turned His back on me. The enemy has tried to confuse me, and the fine line between truth and lies, has been muddy.  But God's love always bring me back to his Living Word, and that anchor holds!

What It Means to Move On
Day 313

Moving on does not mean . . .
• you forget the person.
• you never feel the pain of your loss.
• you believe that life is fair.

Moving on does mean . . .
• you experience a lessening of the pain.
• you can treasure your best memories of the person who has died.
• you can realistically accept the different aspects of your loss.
• you can form new relationships, try new things.

Moving on also means . . .
• you grow in grace and in your walk with God.
• you accept your loss and forgive others.
• you understand that both joy and loss are a part of life.
• you believe that God is good, even when life isn't.

"I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete" (John 15:11).

Holy God, sometimes moving on seems impossible. Continue to remind me that I cannot move on through my own strength, but only through an extension of Yours. Amen.
--------------------------------------------------------
Suggested reading from the GriefShare HelpCenter
Thankfulness: Even When It Hurts
Susan Lutz

Is God asking too much when He calls us to be thankful even in the midst of trials? Susan Lutz helps us see that being thankful does not mean ignoring painful realities. It means bringing our trials to a God who loves us and sent His Son to be our Savior. What results from a thankful heart? A stronger relationship with God. Protection from life's spiritual hazards. Intimate connection and communication with the heavenly Father. Lutz explains how believers in Christ have a reason to be thankful that they never had before: Jesus removes the barrier of sin and brings them into a relationship with God.

Go to the following link to order this or other resources from the GriefShare HelpCenter:

http://www.personalhelpstore.org/product.asp?sku=0875526888

Very few know that I've been having some health issues lately.  Since the end of July, I have been experiencing some difficulty with mouth sores.  We're not talking one or two, every so often, which would be normal for many.  Mine have been extreme with them going down my throat, making it difficult to swallow or even be comfortable, and they last for weeks.  I have had a breakout with them, where up to 10, or more, maybe be in my mouth at a given time.  This happens when my disease flares out of control, which has been going on for months now.

I had some testing down at the hospital to rule out any other swallowing issues, such as obstructions, etc.  I was also prescribed speech therapy to help me control some of the pain.  When this wasn't successful, my rhematologist decided to take me off one of my major medications which suppresses my immune system and helps control my overall pain, but this has created another problem of trying to function to some kind of normalcy.  My memory becomes bad, I have difficulty recalling information, I become weepy, and the pain can get pretty intense at times.  My body seems to be allergic to itself, and stress throws everything out of control.

I was able to go away on a little beach vacation last month and tried to get some R & R in, hoping that would help.  I think it did, but I returned to some other difficulties and seem to be back at square one again.

I'm sort of in a tailspin at the moment.  Being off the medication brought the sores down to only one or two in my mouth, so the doctor decided I could resume my medication Thursday, to help with my chronic pain, but trying a slightly lower dose.  Unfortunately, my mouth has filled back up with these annoying things.

I guess I should be grateful this is occurring now, instead of when Mike needed me so much the past few years.  And, I am grateful that even though this condition keeps the doctors stumped and constantly moderating my medications to allow me to live some kind of normal life, God is still in control.  And this condition keeps me humble...and not taking things for granted.  Life is such a gift.  Good health is a blessing.  May we never stop being grateful for all that God allows in our lives, to grow us, and mold us more into His image.