313 days...and yet another plateau through this grieving process! My mind still surprises me with moments of intense grief over the loss of Mike. There has become a new sense of acceptance, that for whatever reason or purpose, God is sovereign in His decision of taking Mike home. I still don't understand why, and that tangles me up quite a bit at times, but I feel I'll only get those answers one day when I'm sitting at the knees of my Heavenly Father. I could name a million reasons why I should have deserved such a fate. For whatever reason; I'm the one left behind. I'm the one left with trying to make sense of all of this.

My Lord and Savior has brought many people in and out of my life over time. Some, He has left here, giving me compassion and understanding. Some, He has provided, to challenge and encourage me forward. And others, as a reminder that I'm still living, can continue going on, and be happy again one day.

I have had HUGE hurdles to crawl over....and I say this with complete certainty. Very few days, have I felt I have made it firmly to my feet. I've spent most of the time propped up by prayers; it's amazing I accomplish very much at all. But I continue to try.  I don't believe anyone could fault me for not trying.

I've spent a lot of my time trying to gain perspective on what I'm doing, and where I'm at. I'm weighing every thought and action I make, trying to measure if I'm off path, or still heading in a positive direction in this grief process. Too many days than I can measure, I've cried, feeling so confused,..so abandoned. Many more days, it has been a challenge for this Believer to want to go on, but God understands that even still; keeping me safe and covered with His protective arm around me.

I have felt, at times, that I've been laid out totally bare. The lack of privacy has taught me so many lessons on mercy, humility and grace. Being such a private, quiet person; I've learned how to be a "receiver" of God's mercifulness and love, through so many dear family and friends. And I have learned the blessing that comes from helping others in similar situations.

I have almost made it through a full year without having Mike's hand to clasp, or his eyes to encourage me forward. In so many ways, I lost Mike over a period of months...years. Fragments of our relationship fell aside...the casualty from illness. But there was always our deep friendship, love and respect for one another, and any time I felt discouraged or frightened with the path I was on; Mike's tender words always calmed and reassured me.

Standing alone has been the hardest. Facing this giant has been the most intimidating. It has been a lonely journey. Even in the midst of a crowd of people, the loneliness has been incredible. I have cried out to God so many months, that I've wondered if He's ever heard me. I've been distressed that He may have turned His back on me. The enemy has tried to confuse me, and the fine line between truth and lies, has been muddy.  But God's love always bring me back to his Living Word, and that anchor holds!