NOTE: This post was an assignment my therapist gave me to write.
I spent today training my replacement at my job. He is a nice young man and I know he'll do a wonderful job as administrator.
It's hard to believe it has been almost two years since I walked in that church, desperate for a job, to help pay for medical insurance Mike and I needed. Some days I feel I've been there forever. But there are other days when I still feel the stinging tear inside my heart of the loss I've experienced. I don't believe that pain will ever go away. I still see Mike sitting in a chair, walking through a door way, waving goodbye. I'm always searching for him. That part of Beverly is unconsciously wandering around trying to find herself too...knowing very well, a huge part of herself has slipped away for now, and she has to learn to go on without her.
I have changed, and maybe some would like to say, not for the better. But I have survived the best way I could, and continue to try and survive. It is a day by day process.....to choose life.....and to go on.....believe me. There is no exaggeration here.
I'm so grateful for the blessing God has given me in Glenn. He wraps his arms around me and reminds me as Mike once did, that I matter, and that I'm cherished. He watches over me, keeping me safe. I see Glenn as a gift from God, but I also can't help but think Mike realized I needed this kind of physical reminder or strength and comfort...and Glenn's arms became Mike's wrapped around me. Glenn's sense of humor reminds me to laugh at life and find the fun and joy that still can exist within it. And Glenn and I have many plans to live life as fully as we can, while we can.
I'm getting married in two weeks, and I feel extremely blessed. I want others to be happy for me, but if not, I pray God gives you understanding that you may stand in my shoes one day, and you may find it hard too. It's an individual journey and we may not all take the same path, but if joy is at the end of it, and heaven ends up as our eternal home; then, I'll see you on the other side. If not, please allow me what little joy I can take from this time in my life, and let me be happy. This is my time. I can't be weighted down with guilt trips, concerns about confusion I may be causing, or plain disapproval of decisions I'm making. I am doing the very best that I can...and according to all three of my therapists....I'm doing it in a healthy and positive manner. Just allow me to have a little joy and peace.....please......with no strings attached....no criticisms! If this is too much to ask, then wish me well, and hopefully we can meet at another opportunity. That being said....I'll love you always.
