My Heart Will Go On

Last week I went to Conway to return a few items I had purchased several weeks ago from a store.  Glenn was having his usual Friday morning breakfast with his friend, Earl, so I did some shopping. 

Usually, I will drive any length of time without the radio on.  It gives me time to think, pray, and process whatever is on my mind.  But that day I listened to some songs I had purchased from ITunes.  One of them is below.

Music to me, are feelings put into words, much more than they are catchy little tunes with a melodic beat.  Don't get me wrong...I was married to a drummer, so I can enjoy both.  But the lyrics are what touch me more often, and become speakers for my heart and soul. That day, I was listening to the song, "My Heart Will Go On."  I had the volume turned up quite a bit, since Glenn wasn't with me, so I had a chance to fully be surrounded by this song; and could clearly listen to every word and get the full message of the song.  It was like hearing it for the first time.  It went from watching a movie of a young couple standing on the bow of the boat, to a message, for me, about going on after suffering a deep loss.



http://youtu.be/PKS5DwSC0fo

Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you,
That is how I know you go on

Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart (soul) does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go till (we're) gone

Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life we'll always go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

You're here, there's nothing I fear,
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

I needed to be reminded of this that day, because although I have since remarried to a special man; losing Mike after 35 years of marriage left me struggling to survive and go on. 

One thing I never knew about being a widow was how they would feel after they lost their spouse.  Of course, I expected sadness, but the stark absence and reality Mike was gone;  left me insecure.  And his absence comes at me with waves of grief, over and over again, while I'm processing it.  The story is always on my mind.

My doctors have told me I unknowingly delayed grieving in the beginning because I was overwhelmed, dealing with all the legal and serious issues of selling the home, etc.  I never had dealt with things like this before.  I was just putting temporary patches everywhere and was trying to navigate through some turbulent matters.

I went back to work, and quickly found out I was unable to really function the same, or concentrate anymore.  I felt for the first time, defenseless.  The puzzle wasn't going together well at all.

I hated coming home because no one was there to share the evening with. There was a huge gaping hole.  Once, I went to work at 2:30 a.m. (at the church where I worked), just to do something that would get me away from all of the reminders that my life had changed.  Then another evening I went shopping at Walmart at 3:00 a.m., which worried everyone to death, and I was told to promise never to do that again.  I tried to start a ladies night each month with friends.  That worked well the first few times, but seemed to fizzle out.  Then I came up with this idea to start a widow/widower's group, which turned into more like a singles club than anything.  It seemed to work a few times but made more messes than helped.  What I was attempting, was trying to fill a huge void that was left. 

There is still deep grief for me over what was once normal.  For me....and for my children and grandchildren.  They are coping their own ways.  One thing that has always comforted me with that, was at least they have each other to lean on.  But for me,  I felt terribly alone and homesick.  That one person on earth who knew me inside and out wasn't there to listen.  I kept wanting to talk to others about Mike, but many were too emotional to do that, or I would become too emotional.  Everything I was trying was backfiring on me.  Relationships began to change.  I felt like a little girl lost amongst millions. Vulnerable.  Fragile.

My daughter told me once the energy had left our family.  It struck me hard but I understood what she meant.  I felt I was a horrible mom unable to make things more stable for my children.  Mike was a huge personality.  He was loud, jovial, loving, blunt, and told me (and anyone else who would listen) how great of a love I was to him. I missed, and still miss, being reminded of that from him. I miss his arms around me.  His hand in mine driving down the highway.  Being babied when I wasn't feeling well.  Your mind can play games on you.  I began thinking Mike never loved me.  Lots of things were dissolving and that was once my conclusion.

I grieve how my children have had to be the parent while adjusting to all of this. In many ways they have done so much better than I have.  One handles it more openly and one seems to lock it away deep inside.  I see the loss in their eyes and I'm speechless. This is one thing, I can't fix.  I couldn't even fix me!

Looking at photographs of Mike the last six months brought guilt and shame on me because I felt I had pushed him too hard to fight...to stay with us.  Being around him constantly didn't resonate in my mind how he was declining, until after he was gone.  I felt responsibility for that...that he fought so hard.

I grieve over the history Mike and I had together, being able to recall something and laugh.  Talking about the craziest things.  Asking the walking dictionary what a word meant (he always knew), or just glancing across the room at one another.  Our eyes would often lock on one another without a word said.  There has been grief over lost dreams for the future we once shared. 

I have been the broken toy without the arm or leg I use to have.  There have been many hurdles to cross.  Painful and confusing ones. 

But there have been sweet ones too, that only the heavenly Father's hand could provide.  Glenn has been one of those. For the life of me, I don't know where his understanding and patience comes from.
 
I have been shipwrecked a few times and have struggled with clinical depression.  And I won't try to soften it up to make it sound anything than but what it has been. The rational and faithful Beverly would be overtaken by all of the hopelessness she was feeling.  There were times of wanting to let go and stop trying.  God never left me...even in those bleakest moments.  His hand was upon me.  Prayers from family and friends were with me.  I continue to trust in Him and have taken the advice from my doctors. 

I still am desperately fighting to stand back up and still grieving, but I am rediscovering new joy along the way too. I'm trying to put relationships back together.  And I'm relearning what grace really means; for me and for others. 

Yes!  This may be a little more transparent than others might share, but it is the truth and if it helps even just one, it will be a blessing.  My heart will go on!