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In 2007, I began my original website, Sonshine's Haven. In 2007, it was turned into a blog and used to keep family updated on my first husband's fight with liver cancer. He passed away November of 2009. We were married for 34+ wonderful years and this journals some of that grief process I've gone through.

I have since remarried another widower, but Mike is missed dearly, and will always be a big part of my life.

At times, all of us will be called to act as witnesses to the suffering of another. We will be unable to affect the outcome physically. Words will fail us. Prayer will seem futile. And yet, the act of bearing witness to someone else's trials is a sacred sorrow that offers and astounding glimpse of eternal joy." by Ginger Garrett

"Being willing to stay with a loved one throughout their travail, can be difficult....YES! But offering yourselves as faithful companions on a dark and dreadful journey can be an unmeasured blessing." (paraphrased by me)

6.28.2009

I left Mike alone this morning so that I could attend Sunday School and Church. I made him promise to stay in bed until I got home...and he listened. When I woke him up to tell him I was leaving, he told me he felt a lot better today and he must have, because he stayed awake all day. He got showered and sat downstairs all day, once I got home. That was a big step forward.

This is about the third time Mike has had to fight his way back from a big set back. His muscles have atrophied. He has lost so much weight. When he stands up, he becomes really dizzy and wobbly. I follow him whenever he is up moving around.

Last night we were invited to eat dinner with our son, Jill, and Drew. It was a huge undertaking for Mike, because he has been so weak and out of breath, and has stayed mostly in bed the past couple of weeks. He did fairly well, but got upset after we got home. He wanted his strength back to hold and hug his grandbabies. He wants so much to play and love on them and is too weak to really do that now. He didn't want to scare his children/grandchildren by his appearance. It was the kind of day where he felt so worn out by the struggle from the last two years, he just was really low, and did not know if he had anything left in him to keep fighting. It was painful for me to see him this way. We held each other and shed lots of tears. It was a very low moment for both of us. Probably the first, where we've confronted our deepest fears.

Some times I wonder where tomorrow's strength will come from. Any resilience, or perseverance stock pile, is running low. Any fight left in us, is for the sake of our children and grandchildren. That's when we need to remember God will give us everything we need for each day. That it is futile looking for tomorrows strength, today. God is always with us, and we can rest assured He'll be at our side tomorrow too.

Thank you for your commitment to pray for Mike and I and our family. It means every thing to us.




I've included a couple of pictures of the bottoms of Mike's feet to show how they are peeling after taking the Xeloda (oral chemotherapy).

"To You, O Lord, I lift up my soul. O my God, I trust in You." Psalm 25:1-2










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