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In 2007, I began my original website, Sonshine's Haven. In 2007, it was turned into a blog and used to keep family updated on my first husband's fight with liver cancer. He passed away November of 2009. We were married for 34+ wonderful years and this journals some of that grief process I've gone through.

I have since remarried another widower, but Mike is missed dearly, and will always be a big part of my life.

At times, all of us will be called to act as witnesses to the suffering of another. We will be unable to affect the outcome physically. Words will fail us. Prayer will seem futile. And yet, the act of bearing witness to someone else's trials is a sacred sorrow that offers and astounding glimpse of eternal joy." by Ginger Garrett

"Being willing to stay with a loved one throughout their travail, can be difficult....YES! But offering yourselves as faithful companions on a dark and dreadful journey can be an unmeasured blessing." (paraphrased by me)

11.02.2009

You might be thinking....FINALLY, an update!!!  To be completely honest, I haven't had trouble blogging.  I have had trouble sending what I have written and this post may end up the same way. 

There is a lot going on behind the scenes. I'm trying to come to terms with it all myself.  Being fully transparent is a little painful and uncomfortable at times.  But we depend on everyones prayers and support so much, and in order for you to know how to pray, we need to lay things out.

Mike is doing well, as far as tubes, infection and pain level go.  I'm so thankful for the blessings of all of those areas working well.  We are still having trouble with eating, swallowing, physical energy and endurance, cognitive thinking, coordination and outlook.  As we deal with all of these issues, we run into further hurdles such as time management, coping, etc.  We are becoming more comfortable with utilizing help better, such as wheelchairs/scooters, handicap parking places, letting things slide, etc.  You reach a point when pride has to be kicked to the side and you get a full lesson on humility.  

I'm frustrated dealing with insurance companies, medical professionals, and billing offices.  Everything seems to require a special explanation or it doesn't "qualify" for payment or coverage.  And how many signatures does it take to get a process going?  It almost feels at times that they are doing everything possible to mess me up, so that they can't be held responsible to do what we pay them good money to do.  Not only is my mind on the daily battles with Mike's health, but I'm also suppose to juggle all of these companies "policies" or "specifications", or I'm the one held at fault.  Why can't they get it, that I may have my mind on a million other things more important right now.

Mike really needs this speech therapy.  I'm to the point that I don't care how much it cost....he NEEDS it!  He can't swallow food and he is losing weight.  We're not talking about a spa treatment!  No one will call me back.  No one will give me a cash price.  I've been told several times it isn't covered by our insurance....but no one will help me get a cash price!  Insurance companies or hospital!  I'm so tired of fighting these kind of battles.  At least give me the courtesy of a return phone call. 

Tomorrow Mike has an appointment with our family doctor to have his abdominal tube stitched in tighter.  We're hoping we can get that leakage to stop.  We also hope to get help with why Mike's eyes are just pouring tears for no reason at all.  We have antibiotic eye drops, but there must be another problem going on.  We're also having some other issues developing due to Mike's ammonia level built up in his blood.  Those symptoms can be a little alarming because Mike can fade in and out of coherency.  They can bring on tremors, lack of coordination, excessive sleepiness, mind lapses, etc.  These moments can be some of the hardest for me to live with and deal with.  I'm never sure if Mike's okay to be left alone or not.

So, here I am again wondering if I should hit the button, "publish post", or hit "delete".  Is this really what everyone wants to know or hear?  I guess all I can answer, is that this is my life right now...and Mike's.  I hope it shares enough information for you to know how to keep praying for us, because God's mercy and your prayers are the only thing that have brought us this far.  We need that more than the medical help any professional could provide, or any insurance provider could issue to us.  It is helping us keep one foot in front of the other.  But boy would I give anything just to lay this nightmare aside and live normally again.  You can not believe how homesick I am for our old life.  To have one of Mike's big old bear hugs.  To dream and plan for our future together.  This weight hanging over our heads is heavy and exhausting.
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