I never knew how painful undoing a life could be.  Today, I closed out Mike's and my checking account.  Small task, but such finality to me.  I hate the very idea of being just Beverly now.  I loved the exclusiveness of being Mike and Beverly, and adding years up together.

I'm feeling forced to make huge decisions I don't even have the answers to.  My mind wants to shut down in avoidance.  That way I can keep one foot on this side, with the familiar, while dangling the other one, where suggestions are being made.   I can reach a point where I emotionally shut down.  I end up sleeping when I can't take any more.  I don't know if this is coping, or emotionally breaking down...but my week is made up of many moments like these.

Borrowing a phrase I've heard recently; Mike always had my back.  There were some things I just never had to worry about.  He spoiled and protected me.  Alone, I'm in strange and uncomfortable territory.  It causes me to be sensitive and put up walls of protection.  Some things have come at me way too fast and I have had to back away from them. 

Thankfully, God is meeting me where I'm at.  He is meeting each and every one of my needs on a moment by moment basis.  He is providing for, and comforting me.  He reminds me I'm not really alone...that He is there right beside me through all of this.  He knows I don't understand, or have all the answers.  He knows I will only be able to digest this new life, at my own pace.  I'm so thankful He is my All in All.

Please keep me in your prayers as I try and make my way, and thank you for your continued love and support.