It's probably not necessary for me to describe how difficult things have been for me lately.  I know I have shared some of those details on this blog already.  After I have calmed myself down, I have often reread what I've shared, and felt embarrassed, or uncomfortable at times, from being so transparent with my feelings.  But this is my reality, and I wouldn't be helping anyone,  if I locked up the truth and pretended differently.  I have learned the best lessons by observing the most honest and humble of people.

As I have said in recent posts, the first six weeks after Mike's passing, were not as difficult as the most recent weeks.  It has been incredibly hard trying to figure out what has taken place, and how I'm going to pick up the pieces I'm left with, and move forward.  You could say I'm having an identity crisis.  I'm not sure where I fit in anymore, or what direction I want to head.

I have been reading a lot...and my newest "read" is a book given to my daughter by our pastor, entitled "One Minute After You Die", by Erwin W. Lutzer.  It has been a blessing to me.

Being married for 34 years, I grew very comfortable letting my husband care for me.  It wasn't difficult for me to be submissive.  My husbands, and my heart, were so "ONE," that we wanted the same things, and were in agreement most of the time.   It's created a panic in me trying to go on now, making huge decisions alone, and being responsible for myself.  I have melted down on several occasions, since Mike's death, not feeling for sure that I will be alright.  And the enemy loves nothing more than a child of God to fall apart, so he can accuse her of not having enough faith, or trust in her Savior.

I was comforted when I read:
"Dying grace does not mean that we will be free from sorrow, whether at our own impending death or the death of someone we love.  Some Christians have mistakenly thought that grief demonstrates a lack of faith.  Thus they have felt it necessary to maintain strength rather than deal honestly with a painful loss. "

"Good grief is grief that enables us to make the transition to a new phase of existence.  The widow must learn to live alone; the parents must bear the loneliness brought on by the death of a child.  Grief dealing honestly with the pain is a part of the healing process.  Christ wept at the tomb of Lazarus and agonized with "loud crying and tears" in Gethsemane at His own impending death (Hebrews 5:7)."

Yes, there have been many tears, and will certainly be many more as I grapple with what has happened.  I am needing to figure what God is wanting to teach me through all of this.   I'm not exactly thrilled I'm in this position, but I know God loves me, understands that, and will be patient with me as I cope.

I pray you will also be patient with me.  I need prayers more than anything.