I have noticed recently, I have picked up a weird habit the last couple of weeks. I'm talking to myself out loud all the time! Thankfully, nobody has complained to me, yet. I'm sure there is some clinical reason for my doing this. At home, at least my dogs aren't answering me. That would certainly be wierd. It really would be a nut house then!
I have listened to many suggestions recently on how to cope with grief. Some feel I need to repeat to myself over and over again that Mike isn't coming back, to help my mind accept it. Some feel I need to just face it, and in time, things will get better. Some think I need to start all over again. Some want me to focus on my children and grandchildren. Some want me to stay busy. Some think I shouldn't ask "why?" Some want me to move on with my life. The common advice I'm receiving is that time is going to make the difference. I've been told it will always hurt...but maybe not as bad...in time.
I wonder when I'll stop trying to "find" Mike. My heart is always searching for him. I try to find him in other people, and he isn't there. I try to find him at home, and there is such deafening silence. I hear a song, that he sang to me or drummed to, and I lose it...because if I close my eyes tight enough, I can almost feel him.
I do feel his presence with me at times and it's why I don't want to leave my house the most. Probably because I see him on his knees putting in the hardwood in our family room. I see him standing in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner...and racing between there and the grill outside. I see him working on projects with his son's outside. I see him lifting Ethan in the air blowing raspberries into his tummy. I hear him saying "Are you my buddy?" to Drew. I see him hugging his "girls" (Amber and Jill) tightly. I sometimes feel his presence behind me getting ready to give me a big bear hug, and then my heart aches knowing those are only my memories, but I'm so grateful I have them. I've had a few times of waking up in the middle of the night thinking Mike was beside me, and I was trying to rub his leg with my foot. That use to be an annnoying habit of mine to Mike...especially when my feet were cold....which they always were.
I just always thought I would be married forever. I never thought the idea would be taken out of my hands. It's hard to find the good in that. It's hard to find the good when so much of your life is so uncertain. I believe with everything in me, God has allowed this to draw me even closer to Himself....but I have to confess...I'm a little sore at Him right now. I've had my heart broken with prayer being answered "no," and I'm trying to find the good. I'm grateful that He loves me and is patient with me. I'm grateful that He knows my heart is broken and I know He wants to heal it. I know He will show me the "good" one day, and my faith will only be stronger. I only pray that my life brings Him glory...because if being broken is what it takes to bring Him glory, then as hard as it is for me to say this....it's worth it.
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As I was trying to fall asleep last night, my mind started wandering to different people and their situations. At work I interviewed a couple in their 70s, as happy as can be. I wondered why them and not you and Mike? Then I started thinking about a young man on our church prayer chain going through a difficult time with cancer. I think he's just in his 30s. Everywhere I turned I saw lives turned upside down by circumstances as well as lives that seem to be exactly what we all expect our lives to be. I was struck by what seemed to be the "randomness" of it all. Why one person and not another? Just as I was about to just chalk it up to the verse that says it rains on the righteous and the unrighteous alike (Matt. 5:45), I recalled the verse I had read just yesterday morning: "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." (Matthew 10:29-31) There is no randomness when it comes to God's children. That thought comforted me. Like Amber has shared with me, I long for the day when God will be able to show me why some people go through tragedies and some live long healthy lives. Though this still doesn't lessen my ache for Mike, it does calm my heart that there is a greater purpose, and there was no randomness to the timing of God's taking him home.
Mrs. McSheehy - my husband's grandmother lived to be 94 years old. She lost her beloved husband when she was in her early 70's. She talked to him every night from the time he left her to be with the Lord until the day that she died. I don't know what the experts would say about how that helps you cope, but it makes me smile to think about because I know that I would do the same thing and I know that my husband would love to hear from me. :) So don't feel bad that you are talking out loud!
Thank you for living your life - in the midst of such immense grief - in a God honoring way; for being so transparent on your blog and allowing us to witness the glory of God in your life, in the midst of such sweet sorrow, even now. Your faith is inspirational and I know that God is honored by your life, and as your Abba, He is proud of the way that you, His daughter, are weathering this storm. We love you and are praying for you often!
Meredith
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