I would like to try and set everyone's mind at ease. I have been coping a little better the last day or two. The frustrating thing about all of this though, is that I never know when the bottom is going to fall out again. Just when I think I've passed through a particular grieving stage, it slaps me upside the head once again.
I have also been experiencing, what might be anxiety attacks, which have been additional health issues for me. I'm seeing both my rheumatoloigst and family doctor in the next 10 days, which might bring about some additional help with all of this.
I also wanted many of you to know how much I have appreciated your encouragement. I may not always answer my phone, or write you back, but I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I'm unable to carry on much of a conversation lately, relating to all of this, without breaking down.
For 2 1/2 years, I lived with such a fear of losing Mike. I wrestled with the "why's" and tried to stay trusting and keep faith that everything would work out alright. But those last six months took a lot out of me, watching Mike suffer, and dealing with the type of issues mostly medically trained people do. It became difficult coping, keeping Mike as comfortable and as safe as possible, while also returning to work myself. There were days when I didn't think I could cope one day longer.
So when I lost Mike last Thanksgiving, there was kind of a brief acceptance, that the worse finally happened, and what I had feared all that time was out of my hands. On the heels of all of that, came the services for Mike, the handling of all the legal matters, Thanksgiving and Christmas, a trip to TX to stay a few days with my sister, New Year's and my children's and Mike's birthdays the first two weeks in January. If nothing else.....all of that was a distraction.
Now is the time when I'm really feeling the loss of Mike and realizing I'll never see him again, this side of heaven. Now is the time when I'm faced with an empty house. No companion. No one to eat dinner with. No one to discuss my day with. Just an emptiness I've never experienced before. My best friend is gone. So, I'm trying to adjust to all of this, which is quite painful at times, and causes me to experience these other health related problems. I'm sure in time, a new hobby, Bible study, class or activity, would be helpful and it would take my mind off things. I'm just not at that point yet. Everything everyone is suggesting, are very good ideas. I just ask for your patience with me as I adjust.
I'm trying to figure out who Beverly is now, and what the purpose of her life is. I'm still praying about my blog and whether it is what God wants me to continue to do, or not. I've never felt gifted in writing, but since I journaled Mike's health situation, I was often told the blog was encouraging, and that my transparency was a blessing to others. If being a woman of faith... and laying the good, the bad and the ugly out there is helpful...then maybe there is a purpose for it still. I just don't know. But I don't want it to be a tool that just keeps everyone in an elevated state of concern for me.
More than anything, I just want all of you to know how grateful I am for your love and support. I'm very lucky to have such wonderful family and friends. Underneath this post, I have added a link that might be helpful to some.
Thank you for your continued prayers.
Love, Beverly
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