I feel I've been able to accomplish some much needed work around the house the last couple of days.  It always wears me out, but there is something to be said about working out your frustrations. 

This was the first time I've mowed the lawn since I lost Mike.  I was excited that I was able to restart the mower without any trouble.  I even checked the oil and made sure that was in good shape before starting. I mowed everything, burned some lawn debris without catching my home on fire, and pruned back some bushes.  I was feeling very victorious until I remembered the mower blades are needing to be changed.  Then I wondered how in the world was I going to do that?! There is still so much around here I'm not experienced with.

A lot of the work around the house, I was already doing alone the last two years, so it isn't that I necessarily CAN'T do it.  It's just that it uses up every ounce of energy I have, and I end up paying for it days later.  I rode on the mower thinking about possibly having to leave this home, and I thought if I do, I'll need to be shot with a tranquilizer gun first.  I hate change!  I hate things being taken out of my control.  I think that frustrates me the most.

I've had a lot of pity parties at my house lately.  I'm the only one who usually attends, but I stick my party hat on and really feel sorry for myself.  That usually leads me into wondering "Why?", which is another circle I can sit spinning in.  I just hate it when I'm in a store, or driving down the road, or sitting in church....and I see other couples sitting together enjoying, and sharing each others company.  I just begin questioning everything.....Me.....God....What's Fair.....and on and on.  If I can attach it to my problem...I generally do, when I'm in that mood.  Some where along the way I see that it is either pointless, or getting me nowhere, and I'll switch over to the "Let's ignore the situation and pretend you've got this great opportunity to do everything you want to do without thinking of anyone else....for the first time."  That usually lasts long enough as my bowl of icecream for dinner does.  The games I'm playing...trying to survive the worst time in my life.

I keep trying to remind myself that God has a purpose for everything...even everything in my life.  It's hard for me to see any kind of good in any of this right now.  And I'm really not asking for that necessarily.   I just want to know the key to survive.  How to make it through each painful day after the next.  Either take me out of this life quickly....or hand me the map...because I'm so lost!  I'm so upside down, that I'm questioning everything....and finding few answers.  I keep yelling out for God's help, and I know He hears me.  I just don't hear him answering me right now, and I'm lonely, frightened, tired, and completely lost.  I feel so many are counting on me to land on my feet....and I want that victory too.  But I feel there's such potential for me failing, and it would be so sad to come all this way, only to fail.

So a short term goal of mine is to keep getting up, and moving...and praying it is in the right direction.