Anticipatory Grief

"Your spouse may have experienced a long illness before his or her death. As a result, this "anticipatory grief" enabled you to achieve a level of grieving beforehand. This doesn't mean you will be exempt from grief and pain when your loved one dies--actually, you might be amazed at how much grieving you will still need to do.

Anticipatory grief doesn't make grieving easier, but it can shorten the process for some people. Dr. H. Norman Wright says: "A lot of the grieving will occur during a time of sickness and decline. You will experience it together and maybe with other friends. After that grieving, it can take less time to get through the grieving process."  quote from Griefshare.org

Today, I made it my goal to work on the master closet.  Not necessarily to remove Mike's things.  But to gather up all of my clothing into one location.  Over the last few years, while Mike was sick, I had used other closets to place some of my clothing in, so I wouldn't disturb Mike sleeping. The first seven months I couldn't bear the thought of moving one single thing.  Today, it was time to take another step forward.

Over the weekend, I had some friends over to watch a DVD with me.  It was nice having company to share a movie with.  Another step forward.

Baby step, by baby step, I move forward.  I have tried a few things that haven't worked, or that haven't turned out the way I had hoped they would.  But as they say, nothing ventured; nothing gained. 

I am splitting my time temporarily between two churches.  When my son is off work, I'm trying to attend with him and his wife, at their church.  The rest of the time, I'm continuing to attend my home church.  It makes being involved a little more difficult, but it's allowing me some time to explore options, and help my children over some hurdles. 

I've also began a couple of Bible studies.  One is Griefshare, a grief support program, in which I have been also attending their weekly meetings.  This group has been harder for me to adjust to.  It isn't the topic.  It isn't the videos.  It isn't the work.  My heart just breaks each week when I hear other member's stories, and it makes me want to flee the room.  I'm not sure if I'll continue with these meetings.  I have been forcing myself to attend them, because I personally invited two people who want to continue to go.  I want to be there to support them, but it's such a struggle.  I may just choose to work in my workbook alone, or in a smaller group, where I feel I could open up and benefit from the support of others.

I also am doing a Bible study through the church I work at.  It is a short summer program, and one where I can do all the bookwork on my own, and watch the videos when I can.  I like the freedom and flexibility of this program.

I feel I have really grown in the past seven months.  I've had to face a lot of obstacles alone and have learned to stand alone.  The hours by myself have been painful at times, and I've shed a lot of tears.  But change doesn't always feel good or come easily.

I've tried to reach out to people and haven't always had the response I had hoped for, or expected.  A lot of it is my fault, being new to this new way of life.  I do feel a burden to help myself and others, and have tried to step outside of myself, and minister to others in any way I could.  As sloppily as I have done things, I don't think I could be blamed for not having the right heart.

Please continue to pray for me.  Pray for grace and mercy as I stumble my way through this darkness.  Pray for patience from friends and family.  And please pray that I will find the center of God's will for my life, and serve Him there.

Always,
Beverly