I Can't Let Go

It's November! The crisp days and the gorgeous color of the leaves are breath taking.  A doctor appointment in Fayetteville became a beautiful drive going north.

 But it is also those same signs of the season that remind me of four years ago, letting go of my grip of Mike.  Many probably think that after this time I should be finished with the grief of losing my husband, Matt and Amber's  father, but memories are so etched in my mind and heart.  I believe this heartache will never leave.  The sounds, the holiday decorations in the stores, the preparations for family to be together....Mike's face is what I see.  And the deep pain resurfaces and I don't quite know what to do with it.  This is the month to express gratitude and thanksgiving.  And I do....of the wonderful man Mike was.  The loving father to our children and grandchildren.  We were truly blessed, and if he were still here, I would hug him tight and never let go.

Duck Tape Can Be a Hinderance or Possibly a Help

A month or more has flown by since I lasted posted here.  Glenn, my second husband, experienced a heart attack, and was hospitalized twice at two different locations.  Thankfully, he is doing so much better and regaining some of the energy he once had.

Around that same time I had food poisoning again (not Salmonella this time), and developed a bacterial infection, that with even four different antibiotics, still lingers.  The third treatment was painful, needing injections twice a day for a week.  Both sides of my hips are black and blue in addition to being very sore.  At least this fourth drug is oral again, and  I hope to find out soon if we're getting anywhere with this new drug.

Glenn and I have been busy planning, and teaching our four year old Sunday School class each week.  Our class is filled with mostly little boys which can make a very wild hour and half.  We try to stay at least three paces in front of them before they tie us up with duck tape.  But it might just come down to us duck taping them to the chairs to make any real progress.  What a joy to serve our Savior and our Rock.

You Will Restore Me

"LORD,  Your servant, Job, felt he was in the land of the deepest night, of the dark shadow and disorder, where even the light is like darkness. (Job 10:22) You restored someone who knew a much bleaker darkness than mine.  You will restore me, too, if I will let You."    -Beth Moore

"And you know you are in a pit when you've lost vision...because pits have no windows.  In that darkness, we can no longer see that may have once been obvious to us.  In that darkness, we can no longer see things that may have once been obvious to us.  Also, the close confinement of a pit exhausts us with the endless echo of self-absorption.  We can't see out, so we turn our sights in, and that nearsightedness breeds hopelessness." -Beth Moore

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, nor angels, nor principalities nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, or height, nor death, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separates us from the love of God, which is Christ the Lord."   Romans 8:38-39

As some of you know, Glenn and I are facing a new challenge so we definitely would appreciate your prayers.

Anne Murray- "Broken Hearted Me"

 

 

Every now and then I cry
Every night you keep stayin' on my mind
All my friends say I'll survive
It just takes time

 

But I don't think time is gonna heal this broken heart
No, I don't see how it can if it's broken all apart
A million miracles could never stop the pain
Or put all the pieces together again

No, I don't think time is gonna heal this broken heart
No, I don't see how it can while we are still apart

 

Songwriters
GOODRUM, RANDY

 

 

 

Read more: Anne Murray - Broken Hearted Me Lyrics | MetroLyrics

My Heart Will Go On

Last week I went to Conway to return a few items I had purchased several weeks ago from a store.  Glenn was having his usual Friday morning breakfast with his friend, Earl, so I did some shopping. 

Usually, I will drive any length of time without the radio on.  It gives me time to think, pray, and process whatever is on my mind.  But that day I listened to some songs I had purchased from ITunes.  One of them is below.

Music to me, are feelings put into words, much more than they are catchy little tunes with a melodic beat.  Don't get me wrong...I was married to a drummer, so I can enjoy both.  But the lyrics are what touch me more often, and become speakers for my heart and soul. That day, I was listening to the song, "My Heart Will Go On."  I had the volume turned up quite a bit, since Glenn wasn't with me, so I had a chance to fully be surrounded by this song; and could clearly listen to every word and get the full message of the song.  It was like hearing it for the first time.  It went from watching a movie of a young couple standing on the bow of the boat, to a message, for me, about going on after suffering a deep loss.



http://youtu.be/PKS5DwSC0fo

Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you,
That is how I know you go on

Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart (soul) does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go till (we're) gone

Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life we'll always go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

You're here, there's nothing I fear,
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

I needed to be reminded of this that day, because although I have since remarried to a special man; losing Mike after 35 years of marriage left me struggling to survive and go on. 

One thing I never knew about being a widow was how they would feel after they lost their spouse.  Of course, I expected sadness, but the stark absence and reality Mike was gone;  left me insecure.  And his absence comes at me with waves of grief, over and over again, while I'm processing it.  The story is always on my mind.

My doctors have told me I unknowingly delayed grieving in the beginning because I was overwhelmed, dealing with all the legal and serious issues of selling the home, etc.  I never had dealt with things like this before.  I was just putting temporary patches everywhere and was trying to navigate through some turbulent matters.

I went back to work, and quickly found out I was unable to really function the same, or concentrate anymore.  I felt for the first time, defenseless.  The puzzle wasn't going together well at all.

I hated coming home because no one was there to share the evening with. There was a huge gaping hole.  Once, I went to work at 2:30 a.m. (at the church where I worked), just to do something that would get me away from all of the reminders that my life had changed.  Then another evening I went shopping at Walmart at 3:00 a.m., which worried everyone to death, and I was told to promise never to do that again.  I tried to start a ladies night each month with friends.  That worked well the first few times, but seemed to fizzle out.  Then I came up with this idea to start a widow/widower's group, which turned into more like a singles club than anything.  It seemed to work a few times but made more messes than helped.  What I was attempting, was trying to fill a huge void that was left. 

There is still deep grief for me over what was once normal.  For me....and for my children and grandchildren.  They are coping their own ways.  One thing that has always comforted me with that, was at least they have each other to lean on.  But for me,  I felt terribly alone and homesick.  That one person on earth who knew me inside and out wasn't there to listen.  I kept wanting to talk to others about Mike, but many were too emotional to do that, or I would become too emotional.  Everything I was trying was backfiring on me.  Relationships began to change.  I felt like a little girl lost amongst millions. Vulnerable.  Fragile.

My daughter told me once the energy had left our family.  It struck me hard but I understood what she meant.  I felt I was a horrible mom unable to make things more stable for my children.  Mike was a huge personality.  He was loud, jovial, loving, blunt, and told me (and anyone else who would listen) how great of a love I was to him. I missed, and still miss, being reminded of that from him. I miss his arms around me.  His hand in mine driving down the highway.  Being babied when I wasn't feeling well.  Your mind can play games on you.  I began thinking Mike never loved me.  Lots of things were dissolving and that was once my conclusion.

I grieve how my children have had to be the parent while adjusting to all of this. In many ways they have done so much better than I have.  One handles it more openly and one seems to lock it away deep inside.  I see the loss in their eyes and I'm speechless. This is one thing, I can't fix.  I couldn't even fix me!

Looking at photographs of Mike the last six months brought guilt and shame on me because I felt I had pushed him too hard to fight...to stay with us.  Being around him constantly didn't resonate in my mind how he was declining, until after he was gone.  I felt responsibility for that...that he fought so hard.

I grieve over the history Mike and I had together, being able to recall something and laugh.  Talking about the craziest things.  Asking the walking dictionary what a word meant (he always knew), or just glancing across the room at one another.  Our eyes would often lock on one another without a word said.  There has been grief over lost dreams for the future we once shared. 

I have been the broken toy without the arm or leg I use to have.  There have been many hurdles to cross.  Painful and confusing ones. 

But there have been sweet ones too, that only the heavenly Father's hand could provide.  Glenn has been one of those. For the life of me, I don't know where his understanding and patience comes from.
 
I have been shipwrecked a few times and have struggled with clinical depression.  And I won't try to soften it up to make it sound anything than but what it has been. The rational and faithful Beverly would be overtaken by all of the hopelessness she was feeling.  There were times of wanting to let go and stop trying.  God never left me...even in those bleakest moments.  His hand was upon me.  Prayers from family and friends were with me.  I continue to trust in Him and have taken the advice from my doctors. 

I still am desperately fighting to stand back up and still grieving, but I am rediscovering new joy along the way too. I'm trying to put relationships back together.  And I'm relearning what grace really means; for me and for others. 

Yes!  This may be a little more transparent than others might share, but it is the truth and if it helps even just one, it will be a blessing.  My heart will go on!

Ethan's Baptism July 14, 2013

It is such a blessing when anyone chooses to accept God's gift of his Son, Jesus, into their hearts, but having your first grandchild do this is, such a precious occasion. I'm sure I hear angel bells ringing from heaven!

 

 

 

 

New Adventures

 

 

 

My daughter-in-law inspired me to try and grow my own lettuce. So early in May I planted some Romaine and I was surprised with the outcome.  I had more lettuce than I could possibly eat!  Glenn and I enjoyed huge chef salads for dinner for over a month. My only challenge was not eating it fast enough!

 



 

 

After living on an acre of land for several years, privacy became something I appreciated very much.  Now I live in a normal neighborhood where we live very close to one another.  So I asked Glenn if it were possible to put up a privacy screen to make it more comfortable when we were outside visiting or swimming.  With Glenn having recent neck surgery, we asked Zac if he would come and dig two post holes for us. Following this, I was able to hold the screen up for Glenn so he could screw it to the posts.  Voila....privacy!  We bought Clematis to grow and climb up the screen.  They have beautiful purple blooms on them which should look  gorgeous!

 

 

 

 

In May, Glenn and I decided to have a garage sale to free up some more space in the house.  We are still trying to merge our two houses comfortably. So, being Jill and Amber are finished with growing their families, I had all the "baby" stuff to get rid of.  With the money we made, we were able to buy two bicycles for the grandkids, to use whenever they come over to visit.

 

 

 



 
 
 
 














So with it now being summer, Glenn and I opened the pool.  As of now...we have yet to get into it.  The water is a chilly 84 degrees.  All I have manage to get in are my legs.  Glenn will only be able to get in up to his shoulders until the neck brace is taken off after July 5th.






















On beautiful nights like the one above, my heart lightens thinking about Mike.  This has been a long, hard journey, and I miss him in more ways than I could ever share.  It isn't just missing his presence.  It is missing a life I once lived. I grieve everyday for those days and trust in God's grace to get me through each one ahead of me.  I understand now, I need to go on, but it doesn't come easily.  Survival came first and adjusting took a backseat.  I have a feeling it's going to be a long journey still.


 

My Latest Project

(Yep...I did it myself!)

A Visitor

10,000 Reasons by Matt Redmond

On Sunday our worship leader at our church led us to sing a new song (to me) that has replayed in my mind ever since. A song where a child of the King can praise Him today, with every breath they have to breathe.  And with the promise of what Heaven will be like, standing before Him one day!