I praise God I have made it through one more day. The words of a friend, have rung in my ears over and over again, since I lost Mike. "Grace, upon Grace."
After a 2 1/2 year fight alongside Mike, I felt God had been especially kind to me, allowing me to prepare for the possibility of losing my husband. I longed for there to be a miracle, and I knew with all my heart one was possible, since my prayers were answered with a yes in 1980. But if not....I felt God had been gracious giving me extra time to prepare myself for loss. I believe now, I was wrong.
Losing Mike has hit me like a Mack truck. The emptiness I feel in any room is unbearable some days. I can only remove it by crawling back into bed and covering my head. And I'm not foolish to think it will get better. I only think I will learn how to live without Mike. I try not to look too far down the road...because I feel I only have enough grace to get me through a day.
The simpliest things are difficult. Waking up and not having someone say "I love you". The numerous phone calls just checking on my day. A meal shared together. My hand being held. Conversation over a silly commercial. That look...that convinced me for 34 years that I truly meant something to someone. It's easy for me to see, at least, that this was a love of a lifetime. I can't say for certain, I'll come through this on the other side, being alright...or the same. I think grief will reshape my life into something different. I wouldn't dare think for a minute, I could recapture what the last 34 years gave me. I only pray God will reshape my life into something positive, for His glory. After all, hurting this much for nothing, would be a shame.
I am trying to pick up my life and go forward. I went to a ladies dinner this evening at church with my daughter and daughter-in-law. All of it was enjoyable, but I did get upset when Christmas carols were sung. Somehow, "Sleep in Heavenly Peace", just takes on new meaning for me now.
I had to have the realtor come to my home today, as the lawyer recommended, to get a quote on the value of my home and property. That was painful, considering leaving something Mike and I have poured our heart and strength into. I still don't know what the outcome will be with the mortgage confusion. My name is on the deed. Just not on anything else, somehow. But God was gracious to me once again. The realtor He sent, prayed with me...shed tears for me. Lovingly understood my loss. How precious of Him to remind me of His love and care.
The funeral home also called me. Mike's death certificates came in. It hurt to see those words in writing. I can not even interpret what the cause of death was. It was nothing familiar to me. All I know is, that day, changed my life. My future looks a little frightening to me right now.
Which takes me back to what I said above.........grace...upon grace. It is my manna. It is my air. It is the Rock I cling to. It is the only hope I have left.
