Today was a brand new day and I scooted off to work with a spring in my step.  I was at work for maybe an hour, when one phone call sucked every bit of energy, and optimism right out of me.  From then on, I was working hard doing my job, while fretting over other matters in my head.  I was anxious.  I was off balance.  I was fighting hard to appear normal, while barely keeping my nerves under control.  By the end of the day I was spent.  Completely worn out!  My intentions of going to Bible study fell through.  Instead, I was being counseled by my "little" sister, to take a deep breath, and follow her advice.

There are too many days when I face a new day and wonder what is God trying to teach me through all of this?  I'm beyond feeling I'm an inspiration anymore.  I'm not sold on the idea that I will even be okay.  One day, I'm convinced, I will be.  The next day, I'm uncertain all over again.

I received my professionally bound book today of my journal entries from the past year or two.  I was quite impressed with the way the book printed out.  It certainly was nicer than I had imagined.  But as I sat down this evening to look it over, a sad thought came to my mind.  This isn't a story that I want to read.  I know the ending, and it will make me cry.  So I needed to lay it aside and question, was it worth it, to even have it printed?

Each day I wonder, what is it going to take for me to get out of bed?  Largely, it is my faith that God can help me do, what my heart doesn't really want to do.  Then it's my children and grandchildren.  I already see their broken hearts and I couldn't bare to break them any further.  I also know I have only myself to care for me, so as not to be a further burden to anyone, it's necessary somehow, to get up and get paid something.  But I don't really want to.  I don't want to deal with life...or living...or making decisions...or figuring out problems...or even to try and do a good job at work.  I want to stay in bed. Stay in my pajamas. And forget that other peoples lives are still going on, while mine feels like it's come to an end.

A good friend told me to expect to feel this way a good year or two. My...that seems like a lifetime away!  I'm not convinced I'll last that long.  I suppose as long as I keep fighting...I'm in the race.  Please pray with me that I keep fighting.  Please pray I will continue to trust in God's power and might, when mine is spent.  I'm a weary traveler.