The title of the last two grief devotions have really spoken to me, especially today's, which reminded me that I cannot stay here....in the place of grieving for always.  I have seen a couple of examples of people who never moved out of grief, and moved on.   I would not want my future to be paralyzed in this state of being.  Of course, this raises the same questions; what is my purpose now, and how can my life bring glory to God?

I feel a little resolve today, understanding that I can't sit back and just wait for the hurt to disappear.  I've been told the pain will not be as intense, as it is right now, but that saddness will still be a close friend.  I've mistakingly placed a lot of hope on others to see me through this journey so far.  But there is going to be a time when I will need to say....enough!  Put your big girl shoes on and start walking forward.

My grief barometer has had me all over the place this week....dealing with denial, anger, acceptance, and loneliness. (see stages below) They claim all of this is normal but I feel at times, like I'm going crazy.  I'm so grateful God has placed some recent widows in my life, to show me I'm not.  They have been walking through grief the last couple of years and know firsthand, the varying emotions.  I need these friendships to help me accept my new title in life.  It isn't the type of club anyone wants to join.

God continues to strengthen me and helps me walk forward each day.  I may have setbacks, but I keep getting back up.  Today, I made it back to Sunday School and church.  I know these are baby steps, but I am going forward.  I know my Lord and Savior is patient with me as I learn to walk these days.  I have felt His presence come alongside me and assure me I'm not alone.  That's a promise for keeps!

I was working hard to keep pace today.  My heads been in a little bit of a fog.  Concentration has been a challenge.  Carrying around my heart has been a little heavy today as well. 

For the life of me, I don't understand why I keep thinking Mike is coming back, if I just endure a little bit longer. The lies your mind can tell you!!!  I think I honestly think God will either bring Mike back to me, or allow me to go to him.  I'm guessing I'm not totally past the denial/acceptance stage. 

I was telling my sister this evening that Mike ruined me in a way.  He spoiled and loved me so completely, that every day had a kind word, a wink, an "I love You", a hug or a kiss in it.  So, not receiving that now, I'm having major withdrawl.  I'm about ready to sit myself down in the middle of the aisle, and start kicking my feet in a tantrum.  I feel much like the junior high teenager whose self-esteem is a little wounded and a lot insecure.  Gosh....I grew up with Mike!  We have history! 

It just doesn't seem possible for me to survive this.  I'm tired of putting things out in front of me, just to drag myself into the next day.  I'm tired of only seeing the days of the week, as being the "days of the week", instead of adventures to share, or memories to make. 

This love story wasn't suppose to end this way in my book.  And speaking of that.....the term "till death do you part" is troubling me.  Why does marriage need to come to an end at death?  I believe I will feel married to Mike for eternity.  It took me 35 years to finally understand him!  Why wouldn't I want to clasp his hand and run down streets of gold?

Trying to Bounce Back

Some times I feel like I take one step forward and three steps back.  Saturday was mostly a good day for me, but I overdid it and paid for it on Sunday.  It didn't help that Sunday was Valentine's Day.  I was seventeen when Mike became my Valentine.  That was a lot of Valentine years together.

I'm so glad to have a few months off from celebrating, or marking an event Mike isn't a part of anymore.  I suppose Father's Day in June, more birthdays in August, and my wedding anniversary in August, will be the next hurdles to cross over....but for now....I  need time to just heal, and to try and rebuild my life.  I need to become comfortable being alone.  I need to become comfortable being back at church without Mike.  This has been a larger problem than I had anticipated.  I'm not comfortable in my own skin.  Perhaps, because the other half of me is missing! 

I am doing some forward thinking things though.  I began a ladies club named Joyful Heart that meets once a month, to help me develop closer friendships and opportunities to fill my time with. I also reached out to another friend who lost her husband and we had dinner together at my house Saturday.  I actually remembered how to cook...after not doing it for awhile.  We had a great time talking and crying, and we even discussed possibly traveling together in the future.  I also have made contact with a friend in church who also lost her husband last year, and we're making plans to get together.  I need to surround myself with people who have more experience at surviving this life changing experience.  I don't want Mike's death to define me for the rest of my life and become someone who turns into a recluse.

I have always been so shy that it is tremendously difficult for me to reach out in a personal type setting.  I lose my train of thought often when I'm talking, and even stutter when I become extremely nervous, or say the wrong thing.  It's become a joke in my family when I put the wrong phrases together, but it can be extremely embarrassing for me in front of those who I hardly know.  It's easier for me to just stay quiet and not mingle.  In a business setting I have no choice but to step out, and I usually do better...but I still can freeze up and have trouble.  Mike was the bold one between the two of us.  He was always the one who broke ground to help me feel more comfortable.  But.... life has changed, and now I'm trying to survive.

There seems to be an interest in a group for those of us who have lost spouses...and from what I've heard, there isn't one in town.  How I wish it would become someone elses burden to begin something like this.  For me...it's becoming another example of "Moses and the Burning Bush" story (Exodus 3:5-6).  I would prefer for Him to use someone elses voice and outgoing personality.  I'm a greater follower than a leader.  But if it's something I feel I need, I won't sit idle and do nothing, without trying. The questions would be, is there any interest in this from others, or more importantly, is it even God's will?  I'm praying, and bouncing these thoughts off to some trusted friends.  I have been deeply blessed by others sharing their own stories with me as they travel down this same road.  You finally realize you're not going fully crazy after all!

Bounce Back Tip:  Don't put added pressure on yourself to hurry back to normal.  There is no such thing as normal for you right now.  What's important is that you're nurturing your wounds appropriately, instead of nudging them to heal so rapidly that you bruise yourself further in the process. (such a fine line to straddle)

"If"

by: Bread
(Click on to piano piece below)

If a picture paints a thousand words,
Then why can't I paint you?

The words will never show

the you I've come to know.

If a face could launch a thousand ships,

Then where am I to go?

There's no one home but you,

You're all thats left me too.

And when my love for life is running dry,

You come and pour yourself on me.

If a man could be two places at one time,

I'd be with you.

Tomorrow and today, beside you all the way.

If the world should stop revolving spinning slowly down to die,

I'd spend the end with you.

And when the world was through,

Then one by one the stars would all go out,

Then you and I would simply fly away.
(sung at our wedding 1975)

I have noticed recently, I have picked up a weird habit the last couple of weeks.  I'm talking to myself out loud all the time!  Thankfully,  nobody has complained to me, yet.  I'm sure there is some clinical reason for my doing this.  At home, at least my dogs aren't answering me.  That would certainly be wierd.  It really would be a nut house then!

I have listened to many suggestions recently on how to cope with grief.  Some feel I need to repeat to myself over and over again that Mike isn't coming back, to help my mind accept it.  Some feel I need to just face it, and in time, things will get better.  Some think I need to start all over again.  Some want me to focus on my children and grandchildren.  Some want me to stay busy.  Some think I shouldn't ask "why?" Some want me to move on with my life. The common advice I'm receiving is that time is going to make the difference. I've been told it will always hurt...but maybe not as bad...in time.

I wonder when I'll stop trying to "find" Mike.  My heart is always searching for him.  I try to find him in other people, and he isn't there.  I try to find him at home, and there is such deafening silence.  I hear a song, that he sang to me or drummed to, and I lose it...because if I close my eyes tight enough, I can almost feel him.

I do feel his presence with me at times and it's why I don't want to leave my house the most.  Probably because I see him on his knees putting in the hardwood in our family room.  I see him standing in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner...and racing between there and the grill outside.  I see him working on projects with his son's outside.  I see him lifting Ethan in the air blowing raspberries into his tummy.  I hear him saying "Are you my buddy?" to Drew.  I see him hugging his "girls" (Amber and Jill) tightly.  I sometimes feel his presence behind me getting ready to give me a big bear hug, and then my heart aches knowing those are only my memories, but I'm so grateful I have them.  I've had a few times of waking up in the middle of the night thinking Mike was beside me, and I was trying to rub his leg with my foot.  That use to be an annnoying habit of mine to Mike...especially when my feet were cold....which they always were.

I just always thought I would be married forever.  I never thought the idea would be taken out of my hands.  It's hard to find the good in that.  It's hard to find the good when so much of your life is so uncertain.  I believe with everything in me, God has allowed this to draw me even closer to Himself....but I have to confess...I'm a little sore at Him right now.  I've had my heart broken with prayer being answered "no," and I'm trying to find the good.  I'm grateful that He loves me and is patient with me.  I'm grateful that He knows my heart is broken and I know He wants to heal it.  I know He will show me the "good" one day, and my faith will only be stronger.  I only pray that my life brings Him glory...because if being broken is what it takes to bring Him glory, then as hard as it is for me to say this....it's worth it.

I entered a new club this evening.  An online grief support group.  Kind of drug my feet in joining....but when you're lonely...you get desperate, or if nothing else....BOLD. This particular group is not a Christian support group. I'm not sure how much support is there, but all of them seemed friendly.  Only thing, I learned real quick that I need to type faster..to stay up with them.  They must all text, because I sat there puzzled the first few minutes wondering, what G2G, brb, and K meant. :)  They speak in a whole different language, and this was a 50's and Up, Widow club!  Better find me a translation book! ;)

Had a tiny hurdle to get over earlier, but am doing better.  A wave of sadness came over me, so I was trying to think of what to do to get myself out of my funk.  So I ordered a salad to go...and picked it up after work.  Got all the way home and learned it was fish!  For anyone who doesn't know this fact about me............there is nothing worse to me than seafood!  If it swims in water...I don't eat it.  I kept wondering on the way home why the smell of my salad was nauseating me.  So, there went dinner tonight!  Tomorrow....I'm supposedly getting salad...and not only that....free coupons because of their mistake. YeeHaw!  By the time all of that took place, I misplaced my funk.  Now I was only frustrated and hungry!

I was thinking about Valentine's Day this week and how lucky I have been to have over half of my life blessed with such unconditional love and faithfulness.  In Mike's eyes, I made no mistakes.  That wasn't necessarily true about me, but I was always told that by Mike.  I don't remember an unkind word from him.  He was always reminding me of the "gift" I was to him.  Always saw the best in me, and made me aware that no one could ever love me as much as he did.  I'm beginning to think, this is true.  I don't know why God took him home so soon.  I struggle with that some days.  But I never can deny I've lived a blessed life.  He packed a lifetime of love in those 35 years.  What a legacy for our children.  I pray they will follow their father's example to cherish their spouses always.  Never hold back in sharing how they feel.  You  never know what tomorrow brings.  And ALWAYS go the extra mile.....give 125%.  Be as selfless as he was.  That's a real valentine gift!

"I have learned that to have a good friend is the purest of all God's gifts, for it is a love that has no exchange or payment." --Frances Farmer

Made the trip safely to Fayetteville and back.  Thank you for your prayers. The drive from the highway was beautiful, especially the trees all covered in snow in Russellville.  Sometimes you just need to take a step or two back, to appreciate things. 

The clinic delayed opening until 10 a.m. which pushed off everyone's appointments, but I was able to have a good visit with my doctor, and we have made a few changes that should help improve my situation.  My next appointment on Monday, should help as well.

Thank you for your offers to drive me this morning, and your thoughts and prayers.

What a beautiful day in Arkansas!  I stayed inside for all of it, but the snow was absolutely breathtaking as it fell on the trees and the landscaping around our yard.  It was just one of those moments when you wanted to appreciate it with somebody else.  It was just too much to take in alone.  I took video and pictures just incase I'm not here next winter.

But now that it has come, I pray it goes as quickly as it came.  I have a doctor appointment two hours north of here in the morning, and could really use safe roads to travel on.  One thing is for sure; I won't be taking the Miata!  Mike would probably tell me it would track better than the Grand Prix, but I'd rather stay with something I'm a little more use to driving. 

I'm hoping for a compassionate doctor tomorrow and an answer for some of this extra anxiety I have been dealing with.  There are still so many decisions left to make. 

A Lifted Heart

It was a good weekend!  Friday, the kids planned a night for all of us to go to Pizza Hut for dinner.  We had a great time and could hardly hear each other talk from all the noise...but it was a lot of fun being with the kids and grandsons.

Saturday evening Drew (my grandson) came and spent some time with me, while his parents and other grandparents spent an evening together celebrating their birthdays.  I had loads of fun playing inside with Drew's remote control car... so much that we ran the batteries down.  :)  We giggled quite a bit as I tried to manuver the soft rubber car around the furniture, mostly smacking it flat into it.  It was lots of fun and he allowed me to steal hugs often. 

Then this evening our daughter and son in law hosted a Super Bowl Party.  We had a great feast of hoagie sandwiches, vegetables and dip, chips, wings, sweets and all the other fixins.  Drew and Ethan kept us all quite entertained with their escapades.  I can't imagine what it is going to be like when there are four of them running around the room.  :)  I may need to duck and cover!

Mike would have been proud of me!  I wore his Dallas Cowboy shirt and actually stayed and watched the entire game without falling asleep. :)  Usually, I'm only interested in the food, commercials and the half time show, but I actually was trying to follow it this evening, when the grandsons weren't distracting me.  But I have to admit....after half time, I was yawning like crazy, and tried to slip out to go home.  Only...Amber patrol... was near the door and wouldn't let me out. :)

I praise God for a good day....for family...and for laughter.

An Update on Beverly

I would like to try and set everyone's mind at ease.  I have been coping a little better the last day or two.  The frustrating thing about all of this though, is that I never know when the bottom is going to fall out again.  Just when I think I've passed through a particular grieving stage, it slaps me upside the head once again.

I have also been experiencing, what might be anxiety attacks, which have been additional health issues for me.  I'm seeing both my rheumatoloigst and family doctor in the next 10 days, which might bring about some additional help with all of this.

I also wanted many of you to know how much I have appreciated your encouragement.  I may not always answer my phone, or write you back, but I appreciate your thoughtfulness.  I'm unable to carry on much of a conversation lately, relating to all of this, without breaking down.

For 2 1/2 years, I lived with such a fear of losing Mike.  I wrestled with the "why's" and tried to stay trusting and keep faith that everything would work out alright.  But those last six months took a lot out of me, watching Mike suffer, and dealing with the type of issues mostly medically trained people do.  It became difficult coping, keeping Mike as comfortable and as safe as possible, while also returning to work myself.  There were days when I didn't think I could cope one day longer. 

So when I lost Mike last Thanksgiving, there was kind of a brief acceptance, that the worse finally happened, and what I had feared all that time was out of my hands.  On the heels of all of that, came the services for Mike, the handling of all the legal matters, Thanksgiving and Christmas, a trip to TX to stay a few days with my sister, New Year's and my children's and Mike's birthdays the first two weeks in January.  If nothing else.....all of that was a distraction. 

Now is the time when I'm really feeling the loss of Mike and realizing I'll never see him again, this side of heaven.  Now is the time when I'm faced with an empty house.  No companion.  No one to eat dinner with.  No one to discuss my day with.  Just an emptiness I've never experienced before.  My best friend is gone.  So, I'm trying to adjust to all of this, which is quite painful at times, and causes me to experience these other health related problems.  I'm sure in time, a new hobby, Bible study, class or activity, would be helpful and it would take my mind off things.  I'm just not at that point yet.  Everything everyone is suggesting, are very good ideas.  I just ask for your patience with me as I adjust.

I'm trying to figure out who Beverly is now, and what the purpose of her life is.  I'm still praying about my blog and whether it is what God wants me to continue to do, or not.  I've never felt gifted in writing, but since I journaled Mike's health situation, I was often told the blog was encouraging, and that my transparency was a blessing to others.  If being a woman of faith... and laying the good, the bad and the ugly out there is helpful...then maybe there is a purpose for it still.  I just don't know.  But I don't want it to be a tool that just keeps everyone in an elevated state of concern for me.

More than anything, I just want all of you to know how grateful I am for your love and support.  I'm very lucky to have such wonderful family and friends.  Underneath this post, I have added a link that might be helpful to some.

Thank you for your continued prayers. 

Love, Beverly

I think I may have reached a point where everyone else needs to know I'm doing okay, regardless if I am. 

I want more than anything not to worry anyone.  I'm struggling, and I'm not where I need to be yet.  I  don't know when I will be.  Possibly journaling my thoughts at this point on my blog, is creating more concern than encouraging others or being a witness.  It is something I will be praying about.

I appreciate your thoughts, prayers and encouragement.  Below this, is several articles that help with grief, that I wanted to make available for others.  I hope they are an encouragement to you also.

Seventy-five days.  You would think the pain would be subsiding a little.  Yet, I feel as though it all took place just yesterday.  I'm as frustrated with my reaction, as much as I am with the situation.  It is as though my heart has been asleep and is just now waking up, and realizing Mike is gone. I have had some really tough days this week.  There are periods when I seem to be doing better than others.  But this past week, has been absolutely miserable.  My faith is strong, but the battle has been long, and I'm worn out.

I appreciate your continued love, support, and prayers.

I was searching for a pair of my jeans in my closet this morning, when I  became sidetracked and saw a pair of Mike's slacks, with his belt still looped through them.  The site paralyzed me and had me sitting in my closet for a while....long past searching for my jeans.  The pants were hanging there just as though Mike had just taken them off.  I was immobilized, trying to let my heart catch up with my mind.  Usually I would take the belt off and make sure the pants were ready to be worn again....but there I sat just looking at them....not wanting to change a thing.  Moments like these, have been my hurdles lately.

Thank you for your continued prayers.