A Red, White and Blue Weekend!

This has been a good weekend, and I'm not even at the end of it yet.  I love weekends like that! I have already had some fun time with both Drew and Ethan, and I'm looking forward to a family cookout tomorrow. 

A few months back I had given Drew a teeter totter but only his parents have been able to play with Drew with it.  They have had the joy of standing there on the opposite side, pushing Drew up and down until their arms wore out.

Tomorrow, Drew gets to try out the real deal with his cousin Ethan.  This is guaranteed to be fantastic entertainment!  Not only does the teeter totter go up and down, but it spins in circles too.  Can you just picture the scene?!!  I promise to take lots of pictures and video! Both little boys have enough of their grandpa in them, that I'm sure we'll have lots of excitement.

Grief Share

I had a long conversation today with a new friend, who recently became a widower himself.  It helped me to listen to him share his heart, and to have an opportunity to share mine.  Who else could possibly understand, than someone who has suffered such a loss himself?

I'm encouraged this week to learn of a new grief support group starting up in our town.  I have been posting daily devotionals from this organization, Grief Share, on my blog for months now....but they also offer a 13 week course that church's can use in there community.  I'm anxious to attend.  I believe this is what I've been looking for, for months now.  Some place to go, where others are in the same boat as I am, and they can feel safe enough to share their deepest feelings, without being misunderstood.  We need help...even possibly from each other.....to figure out how to fight our way through all of these feelings we're left with.

I'm praying for healing in my own life, and hope I can be a blessing to others along the way.

Letters from the Attorney

Just received a couple of letters letting me know the appeal has been made on my behalf.  He advised me that this process takes between three and four months to receive an answer on the reconsideration request.  So, I guess I better take a deep breath and go about living life as best as I can in the meantime.  I would appreciate your continued prayers.

Jesus, My Everything

by Matt Maher

I've been looking for a reason...
I've been longing for a purpose..
I'm losing all my meaning...
I've run out of excuses.

Lord, it's hard to know you,
I don't always see your plan.
But holiness is calling me so take me as I am.

You are my everything, you are the song I sing;
I'll do anything for you.
Teach me how to pray, to live a life of grace;
I'll go anywhere with you.
Jesus, be my everything.

Lord, I get so tired of the struggle within.
I settle in complacency
and I'm weighed down in my sin.

So lead me past emotion,
'cause they change with the wind.
I want to be a true disciple
to daily choose your hand.

You are my everything, you are the song I sing;
I'll do anything for you.
Teach me how to pray, to live a life of grace;
I'll go anywhere with you.

Jesus, be my everything.

Leaving the Rest With God!

After two evenings this week, staying up until 1 a.m., I finally completed all of the paperwork for the attorney's, and sent it off in todays mail.  At this point, I've done all I can, and I'm leaving the rest with God.  I will just adjust to whatever He sends my way.  I wish I could say, it's with great faith, I say this.  But it's more like, I'm just flat worn out from fighting. 

Six months have passed without Mike.  I guess this really isn't, just a very bad dream.  I have done my very best to tread water, without my head going under.  I've tried to do things as Mike would do them.  I have tried to be more assertive....more "pro-active", which is completely out of my character.  I've tried everything possible, to be peaceful, yet stand my ground.  Everything has felt like it's backfiring on me.  Maybe it's when I give up, that I get out of God's way enough, to let Him begin working.  I just can't allow these things to weigh on me anymore.  My health is becoming affected, and I don't have Mike to fall back on, when I reach this point.

So, I leave it all there, and I ask for your prayers.  Thank you for being so faithful and standing beside me.

Case Accepted

A quick update......I received lots of paperwork in today's mail.  The case has been accepted and an appeal will be filed by the attorney.  Thank you for your continued prayers.  Beverly

No Word Today

For those who may be praying for me, there was no word today from the attorney's office.  Thank you for your continued prayers. -Beverly

Caseworkers Phone Call

Had the conversation late today with the caseworker.  I became very discouraged at the beginning of our conversation, when she told me the reason I didn't get offered the help, was because I was already working.  This is frustrating, because my Rheumatologist in Fayetteville, gave Mike and I bad information.  He told me last spring its easier to be approved if you were working part time at least.  So...my chances may be lost now.  She asked for additional information and plans to discuss it over with the attorney.  Then they will get back with me to tell me if they think we have any chance of an appeal.  So....again.....I wait. 

I'm praying God will make His will very clear whether I need to leave this home, or make any other difficult decisions.  I'm reaching a point where I'm recognizing there is very little I can do to steer this ship through unknown territory.  I only pray that I hear God's will clearly and my heart will get out of His way.

This week marks 6 months since losing Mike.  I want to be with him so much it hurts.  I don't know how I'll ever get through this, although what choice do I have?  It seems possible if I take things one day at a time.  Looking too far down the road causes me to want to give up the fight.

There is a new support group that will begin here in town for those who are grieving, called Grief Share.  I have included on my blog Grief Shares daily devotions and encouragement for awhile now, and they have been a true blessing to at least me.  I'm anxious to be a part of a real live group as soon as they look over all the material and set a date.  The pastor of the church returned my call today and said they want to begin it very soon.  I am so desperate for people I can talk to about my feelings...without having to worry about what I'm saying, how it is being received, or if it is being misunderstood.  Maybe this will be an answer for me.

Trying to take a Deep Breath

Well, after my disappointing news from the Social Security office, I prayed and tried to figure out what my next step should be.  My first thought was that I needed to not let fear take control over me, and just step back and take a deep breath.

I went on ahead and contacted the attorney in Little Rock, whose name I was given by someone familiar with this kind of situation.  They took some preliminary information and plan on having a caseworker call me later this afternoon, to discuss my options.  I don't know if this is the right direction to head in, or not, but I'm leaning fully on God's leading.

I would appreciate your prayers for me as I continue down this unfamiliar territory.  I know God has my best interest in mind.

Disappointing outcome with Social Security Department.  Praying about my next step.

Relay for Life

A Time to Mourn

I hear a lot of people say that everyone grieves differently and that you will one day find your new normal.  I use to cringe thinking of that, because how could my life ever "feel" normal again, if it takes something "new" to make it normal?!

I'm guessing men and women grieve differently. Men tend to hold a lot inside, including their emotions.  Women share and cry....and cry some more. I have been trying to listen to every one's "story" to find my way through all of this.  I have done plenty of crying the last couple of years.  I'm also assuming that the circumstances surrounding the grief period, factor in as well. I know some who have been grieving 2-4 years and others who have not stopped grieving 15 years later.  My boss is a widower and his grieving process lasted about a year. 

I know for myself, I've been grieving since July 13, 2007.  That's where my living stopped.  My fears began the moment I received the call from Mike, and that's when my grieving process began..not last November. 

I held hope, but never saw life the same way again.  It was then when I began releasing Mike's hand. God slowly and graciously pried ours apart from each other.  And yes, I can say that God was gracious, because I could have lost him so much sooner.  Instead, He gave me two and half years to treasure every minute, of every day, we shared together.  I'm so deeply grateful for that time, and that's why I feel I'm doing as well as I am now.

It wasn't easy last November saying goodbye to Mike in the hospital, but I knew that wouldn't be forever.  I have the promise I'll see Mike again, and I'm anxious for that reunion.  But Mike wouldn't want me to live the remainder of my life here, in such a depressed state, that I'm unable to function, or to be happy again.  So I'm doing everything within my power to heal, and I believe each day I'm learning how to go on.  If God didn't take me with Mike...then there's still purpose for my life here, and I want to know what it is.  I want to finish the race strong.  I want my children to finish their race strong.  Mike would want that!

So, as I continue to find my "new normal," pray with me, that I find God's purpose as well.

In Loving Memory

North Little Rock National Cemetery

“I always knew looking back on my tears would bring me laughter, but I never knew looking back on my laughter would make me cry.”

--Cat Stevens

Memorial Service

Our family would appreciate your prayers Tuesday afternoon as we will be taking Mike's parents remains to the National Cemetary in North Little Rock.

Hmmmmmmm!

Can't be good...when you tear your contact!  No wonder it was feeling odd in my eye this morning!  Maybe I handled it too much this week?! 

The positive side?  I'll be able to see the words, when I sing the songs, tomorrow at church!

Yeah!!!!!!

:-)

Day 4

Well, I'm still hanging with the contacts!

 I'm learning how to put them in and take them out, without continously poking myself in the eye, or scratching them with my nails.  I've reduced the time from 40-45 minutes, to less than 15, which is a huge accomplishment for me.  So if I can manage to eventually see with them well, then I guess I'm getting beyond the hump. 

Only thing is, I'm not seeing distance well at all,  and it is interfering with my work, as well as with my driving.  When I'm in the sanctuary working on the music, it is necessary for me to see the viewing screens near the front, and I can't make anything out on them, without me needing to walk forward approximately six feet away.

  So, my goal is to continue to keep on their schedule, of wearing the contacts a certain amount of hours each day over the weekend, and maybe the doctor will realize I need a stronger lense for distance, on Monday.

I haven't given up yet!

:-)

Someone please remind me why I am wanting to wear contacts!   I'm beginning to think I've lost my mind! 

This monovision method, is becoming a little more challenging than I first thought.  I'm being told, in order to see clearly, I need to retrain my brain to have one eye see far away and the other up close.  That just sounds like complete nonsense!  Just ask my eyes!

It was going to be challenging enough just sticking my fingers into my eyes.  Now they want to convince me, it's possible to see "clearly" in time, when I can barely see six feet in front of me?!  I'm not so sure. 

So a battle is raging.  Quit, or keep going?  Seems like the age old battle has been my bestfriend the last three years. 

"The Bucket List"

"The Bucket List" is a 2007 film directed by Rob Reiner, written by Justin Zackham, and starring Academy Award winners Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. Two terminally ill men escape from a cancer ward and head off on a road trip with a wish list of to-dos before they die. It's a comedy, and I remember enjoying the humor, despite the seriousness of the situation. 

Laughing can be such a gift, and a lift of the heart.  If Mike was remembered for one thing, I believe it would be for his sense of humor first.  No matter how serious life was, Mike tried to lift every one's burden, including his own, by seeing the funnier side of things.  If I was the crier, he was the one cackling....often times at me, crying. :)  He always saw the glass half full.  He left life, fighting cancer.  He would never want to be thought of succumbing to it. 

It still amazes me what he ever saw in me, since we were mostly polar opposites.  But we shared many wonderful dreams together, and we loved talking....about everything and nothing.  We could talk for hours.  We'd discuss things we wanted to do one day, and even though a lot of them may have been far range goals, we did set a few short term goals too.

For some silly reason, I have found comfort in accomplishing a few things lately, Mike and I had once discussed, wanting to do.  We took a cruise once, and when the rule was made into law, that to travel outside of the US, would require a passport, Mike wanted us to get ours.  This was just months before his diagnosis.  Obviously, we had no plan of going anywhere.  I made it my goal to get that passport now....just because Mike wanted us to get it.  I may never go anywhere...but that doesn't really matter to me.  It was fulfilling, just to receive it in the mail.

Another goal was contacts.  Mike and I didn't need to wear glasses full time until a couple of years ago, so we missed the freedom we had just to have nothing on our face, and not be worried about losing our glasses or sitting on them.  So we made another short term goal to get contacts.  It probably would have been easier for Mike to accomplish this dream, being he had better eyesight than I do.  He just needed a little help reading.  I'm left with the challenge of having one lens for farsightedness, and one for nearsightedness.  Both of my eyes have astigmatism in them.  I have no clue how this is going to work...and my eye doctor didn't seem convinced I would be successful either, but I want to try. 

My biggest hurdle has been overcoming the urge to blink when I see a charging finger coming at my eye.  Another hurdle has been seeing very well, period!  I can't believe the doctor is allowing me to get behind the steering wheel like this.  I feel a lot like Mr. Magoo.  Please watch out if you see me driving down the road!  I'm suppose to be rechecked in a week, so I'm praying I make great strides over these next few days, or that he'll realize he didn't give me the strength of the lens I need in my right eye.

If nothing less, I gave it a good try.  Succeeding isn't always getting what you want.  I wanted a lifetime with Mike.  God gave me a lifetime, in 35 years of life with Mike.  I could never argue that God's will isn't good.

More photos from Illinois

Life's Battles & Losses

"God's grace is a wonderful gift to humankind. Grace is God's love freely offered to us. We do not do anything to "earn" it. Take a moment and reflect upon how you have experienced God's grace in your life.  Is there any possible way you can extend God's grace, unmerited favor, to those around you?"

I wake up lately with a new challenge before me.  I remember, not so long ago, days when the only decision, was what I "wanted" to do that day.  Instead, I'm struggling now with misunderstandings, a frightening, new "way of life," and huge decisions that impact my future.

I wasn't prepared for the spiritual battles following losing those you love.  I was naive and thought, with that large of a sacrifice, God would spare me from further attacks, at least for a little while.  I had faced the worst....and some how was left standing....if only by the grace of God.

Then around the corner came more physical loss...losing another family member.  And my faith began shaking, in the belief God wouldn't put anymore on me than He thought I could handle.  I was struggling already without Mike.  But now this? 

With my heart wrenched with pain, doubled by watching the pain on my family's faces...hearing desperations in their cries, it's all left me questioning how God could see us through this too. Never in a million years would I ever have imagined the amount of grief our family would bear, virtually all at one time.  Never before, did I even entertain the thought anything could divide us or shatter us physically and emotionally.  Where understanding, was only left hanging by a thread.

We need each other so much and at times, we seem to be the farthest apart, physically and emotionally. 

I feel a spiritual battle is what I'm facing now.  The divisions are of his character.  The lack of understanding is his creation. The war being raged is intense.  It tries to rob us of any peace, any understanding, and most importantly, loving arms to fall into and be comforted by.

I'm thankful God promises to be with us in ALL things.  If He thinks I can handle all of this, who am I to questioned what He allows?  But I have a sore heart and a tear soaked pillow.  And I plan to bring it up with Him one day, in hope that I'll better understand His plan and His purpose for all of this.

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him" (James 1:12).