Today is the last day of a very difficult year.  There is a small part of me that would like nothing more than to disappear as quickly as this year will, at 11:59 p.m.  The kids and I have suffered a great loss this year.  Everything now feels strange and foreign.  We struggle to move forward, accepting God's will.  Accepting His plan for our lives.  Knowing we could do nothing more to save Mike and keep him with us.


There is comfort remembering Mike's smiling face, his gentle spirit, his contagious laughter, his strong hugs, and the leader he was to our family.  We wrestle with an unrealistic hope that this could all be just a bad dream.  We can't imagine not seeing Mike's face again, this side of heaven.  So thank you for your patience with us, as we continue to try and cope. From all I hear or read, it's going to be a lengthy process. 


Recently we found a picture that has given our family a little peace of mind and comfort.  For many of you who may not know the other person in this photo, it is of Brother David McLemore, former pastor of Second Baptist Church, where we once attended.  Mike and Brother David use to play tennis together and loved giving each other a hard time.  Sadly, Brother David went to be the Lord in 2008, after fighting cancer and some other medical issues. 


Since Mike first passed away..it was hard to imagine him being really gone.  It's as if we continue in hope that he'll come through the front door saying this was all a horrible hoax.  But we know that isn't reality and we are reminded of what our Bible tells us, that Mke is with God, because he believed and trusted Jesus Christ as his personal Savior, and made him Lord of his life.


This picture gave us something small and tangible we could comfort ourselves with, imagining Brother David in heaven greeting Mike, laughing as they always did, in each others company.  It brings our hearts a little peace, joy, and hope...knowing one day...we will receive the same joyful reunion.  I'm so grateful for that promise of heaven where there will be no more sorrow....no more tears.  Happy New Year.


The Far Side Banks of Jordan


I'll admit my steps are growing wearier each day
Still I've got a journey on my mind.
The hurts of this old world have ceased to make me want to stay
My one regret is leaving you behind.


If it proves to be His will that I am first to go
And somehow I've a feeling it will be.
When it comes your time to travel, likewise don't feel lost
For I will be the first one that you see.


Chorus:
And I'll be waiting on the far side banks of Jordan.
I'll be waiting drawing pictures in the sand.
And when I see you coming, I will rise up with a shout
And come running through the shallow waters,
Reaching for your hand.

"All your waves and breakers have swept over me.

By day the Lord directs his love,

at night his song is with me--

a prayer to the God of my life." 

Psalm 42:7b-8

"Nothing slips between His fingers without His permission, for He is the King of the universe.  Even destructive floodwaters are His, for "the Lord sits enthroned over the flood, the Lord is throned as King forever" Psalm 29:10"'

"God has not lost control.  He has allowed the waves for a purpose: to cleanse or to comfort, to awaken us from our apathy or to sweep over the enemy pursuing us.  They are His waves and He knows what He is doing, even when we do not."  Dee Brestin

I am trying to do something proactive in the midst of this pain in my life.  I was inspired by my sister's book club, when I was in Midland, to begin something for myself, to help fill some of those empty spaces in my life.  I'm beginning a club, with a few of my lady friends, named the "Joyful Heart Club", where we can fellowship once a month, by doing a few things like going to a movie, eating dinner out somewhere, going shopping, or just chatting at someones home. I'm not sure how the turnout will be, but I know the fellowship should be sweet, at least for me.  One of the hardest things for me right now is the stark quietness in my home.

I know my posts have been very heavy and concerning for my friends and family, and they are far from over, I'm sure.  But I want to reassure everyone, I am working hard to get through all of this grief.  I appreciate your continued thoughts and prayers as I continue to get hit by the waves.

"To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness."  -Erich Fromm

To say I'm struggling with grief this week, would be putting it mildly.  It has been taking everything within me to get out of bed and face another day, and just as much determination not to rush back in, to put an end to the long and painful hours.  There is at least a part of survival mode left in me, acknowledging that I can't just sit by and do nothing.  There are legal and financial issues to deal with...to fight for.  Not that I care so much for myself...but I care enough to spare my children with anything further to deal with.  What they are presently experiencing is more than enough grief and pain in a lifetime.  

I have been reading a lot on grieving these past few days.  I'm learning it's healthy and necessary.  I have learned that you may feel like you're losing your mind in the midst of it, but you're supposedly not.  I've learned that grieving doesn't happen in a set amount of time, and with some people, it can take up to two years to withstand the peaks and valleys.  God, I pray it doesn't feel like this for that long.  How will I bear that?!!

I recently had a friend describe grief like a fog...and I have material that suggests this is true because your mind can experience mental "brownouts" from being overloaded.  Your mind is working with too many thoughts and feelings for the brain to process.  Research has also shown that our bodies can produce a type of enzyme which has physical and emotional impact on us.  This enzyme dehydrates our body and our way of thinking." (from "The Pain of Grief" by Doug Manning)

I can share what grief is to me.  It is a broken heart.  It is knowing that God's will is perfect, yet didn't include complete healing this side of heaven.  It is learning to accept His will, and still feel God is good.  It is having the love of a lifetime, then having it severed apart from you.  It is difficult to think I'll not see Mike's face this side of heaven anymore.  I still keep hoping this is a bad dream.  Time for me is standing still.  I don't want life to go on without Mike included. 

Grieving is a crash course on life, finances, and keeping your head above water on a daily basis....No....on an hourly basis.  It is the complete undoing of oneself, while being made into the image of his Maker.  It hurts.  It's lonely.  And it's frightening.  I want people surrounding me...and yet I don't.  I want advice...and yet I don't.  What I want...is what I've been shown I can't have anymore.  Security.  Joy. The hope of not being tested more than what I can bear. 

Am I surviving? Yes....to me, barely.  I just pray I come through all of this, learning the lesson God had for me, and not spending the rest of my life disabled emotionally and spiritually.  I realize the assignment God has given Christians to be a light to the world, and I take that very seriously.  I want my life to be a blessing to others.  I pray in some small way, this journey has blessed you, if nothing more, than to remind you to hold your loved ones a little tighter, cherish each moment you have together, overlooking the trival, and triple checking your state of affairs, so that your loved ones aren't left scrambling, or doubting, in the event something should happen to you. 

I was loved as deeply as a person could be loved by their spouse, and Mike thought he had done everything possible to give me a secure future if something should ever happen.  Thankfully, God had mercy and sent His angels to step in and protect His child.  He is good ALL the time.  My heart continues to trust in that...even through these dark days of grieving.

Thank you for your continued support and prayers.  I'm blessed to have so many of you care about me and my family.

"Watch the way then, as a cautious traveller;

and don't be gazing at the mountain

or river in the distance and saying

"How shall I ever get over them?"

Keep to the present little inch that is before you

and accomplish that in the little moment

that belongs to it."

--M. A. Kelty

Christmas with the McSheehys brought some new and exciting news...another Baby McSheehy is on the way! Congratulations to Matt and Jill! We had a good Christmas. My grandmother as well as my aunt and uncle were there as well as all of our immediate family. It was also an emotional one as expected. It was hard not to notice the absence of such a big presence in our lives, but we know that Dad had his own celebration too. How exciting that must have been! The loss is hitting my mom harder this week. Please remember her in your prayers. The reality is setting in more and it's been rough for her. Please pray for her as she makes adjustments and continues to deal with legal and financial decisions.

We hope you all had a Merry Christmas and that this new year will bring you many blessings!

Bittersweet Memories -Merry Christmas Mike! We Love and Miss You!

As you might remember, I am reading a wonderful book, The God of All Comfort.  I have been surprised at how this book is speaking the very words of my heart.  Inside me, my feelings are all twisted in a knot.  I feel so much....at the same time I'm feeling so numb.  The enormity of what has happened hasn't fully hit me, but I'm afraid when it does, it will finish me.

Exerpt from book....."Two months after Steve's death...I feel like my life is over.  I understand those widows in pagan places who climb up on the funeral pyre and are burned with their husbands' bodies.  When I told Steve I wanted to go with him, he shook his head, "No, no- you must go on--the children, the people you touch. Go on because I can't.  I know deep in my soul, that our lives are not our own.  You have left us here for a reason.  Yet I look out at the frozen ground, covered with snow, and think, "That's how I feel."

I'm trying to find my feet despite all that has taken place these last four weeks.  It did me a lot of good getting away, putting aside grieving for a little while, but I'm certain I will need to journey through the deep waters to get to the other side eventually.  I'm a little afraid of those feelings that I know will be there, but haven't quite experienced yet.  I'm afraid they will undo me.

While I was in West Texas, I met a friend of my sisters, who has been traveling through these deep waters the past 11 months.  He took a little bit of time to share his story with me, and encouraged me not to suppress my feelings.  That I need to allow myself time to "feel" the pain, in order to work through it.  He is a believer and reminded me that God and my faith in Him, could see me through this.  I'm sure counting on that.

Exerpt from book..."Two weeks After Steve's Death...Has my faith been shaken?  Has my confidence in Your love for me been shaken?  Maybe a little.  You know that.  Yet in my heart I know You still are who You are.  I have so much trouble sitting still beforeYou.  My anxious thoughts multiply.  Help me be still and know that You are God.  Mountains are falling down and the seas are roaring....That's how I feel.  Frightened.  Helpless. Overwhelmed.  I cannot believe this is happening, but it is.  I know David felt that way during his years as a fugitive from Saul.  I know You felt that way at the crucifixion.  Bible notes say this psalm was the inspiration for Martin Luther's "A Mighty Fortress."  In the midst of mountains falling down, You are our "refuge", our "mighty fortress," or as Luther put it, "Our helper He amidst the flood of mortal ills prevailing."  You are the "Lord of Hosts."  Oh hide me, O My Savior, hide me, for the avalanche is here."

I knew God could save Mike if it was His will.  I wanted so much for that to be His will too. Although I believe in my heart God wanted the best for me and my family, I have to be honest and say, it's hard to see that right now.  All I can do right now is work through these feelings and continue to trust Him, to see the good in all of it.

These last few weeks have been a cornucopia of good, and not so good experiences.  The distress I was first experiencing shortly after Mike's passing, has quieted down some.  I still have a mountain of things needing to be done, legally, but I'm very grateful for anwered prayer and the blessing of so many friends, old and new. God's gracious provisions have turned my life around enough, that part of it doesn't look so bleak. Prayer is being answered....and I'm so grateful. 

All of this makes life a little lighter....yet I miss my best friend so much.  The other half of me is missing.  I'm out of balance.  Mike steadied my reactions to most anything.  He helped me make decisions when I needed to.  He was the person I would run to with something funny to share.  I miss his hugs.  I miss the unspoken words in his heart that I could read through his eyes. He could read my mind from across the room, and if I was shakened by anything, he would steady my heart by holding me.  I don't know how to live without that now.  I'm doing all I can to go forward....to do what is expected....to concentrate, and accomplish everything that is necessary to do, in a situation like this.  But, oh how I would love to just bury my head and sleep life away. 

Father, I can't do this alone.  Help me walk through this scary forest and come out okay on the other side.  I need You.

Please continue to pray that God will be the other half of me that feels is gone.  Please pray for my children.  Their hearts are aching just as much for their dad and they are trying to explain life and death to their children.  My little grandbabies are struggling to understand where Papaw is. 

My daughter in law shared this:  "Drew brought it up and asked question after question. "Are there doctors in heaven?" "Who hurt him?" "Is he still hurting?" (I kept saying that there doesn't need to be doctors in heaven because no one is sick or hurting. Papaw is all better in Heaven. Drew "drew" upon my excitement at knowing this and had this big smile on his face.) "How do we get to Heaven?" (I had him quote his John 3:16 verse and explained that Papaw believed in Jesus and that's why he's in heaven and when we believe in Jesus, we will go to Heaven too.) "Why can't we go there now?" (Because not everyone knows about Jesus and how to get to Heaven so we're still here so we can tell other people about Jesus.) Maybe he was drawing off of my excitement as I was talking about Jesus's gift and Heaven, but he was smiling and excited as I was talking to him about it. Then he started asking questions I had a hard time answering where he could understand. "Where is Heaven?" "Where is Jesus?" I tried my best and told him we just have faith and faith is believing in what we don't see."


Please continue to pray God gives my children the emotional strength they need to put aside what they are feeling, to talk with their children about what is troubling them.  Again, we appreciate your prayers so much.  And the ways you have demonstrated love and support to us touches us deeply....whether it is legal advice, monetary gifts, trips away, phone calls, emails, hugs, or just sharing your own stories of grief....you have given to us and we feel so blessed. 
 
Love,
Beverly

Wide Open Spaces

Tumbleweed

Drilling for Oil

A Beautiful Family and A Fast Friendship

(They lost their mom/wife last January)

Pumping the Oil

A Midland Sunset

My Sister's Book Club

A Sweet Group of Women

My Little Sister

She Pampered Me and Made Me Feel Special

Every Minute I Was in Midland

Roger (Jaime's husband) and I at Dinner

Obviously, Jaime Took the Photo

My mom is still visiting with her sister and will come home on Sunday. She's enjoying seeing the sights, meeting new friends and being pampered. Today she met with a lawyer to help clear up some confusing legal matters. Hopefully this will aid her in making future decisions and also ease her mind that she's doing everything properly.

As I said, she'll be home late Sunday in time to celebrate Christmas with the family. I know her puppies will be thankful to have her home...I've not been handing out the "cookies"/treats the way she does. :) I know I for one will most certainly will be glad to have her home!

Amber

"From the fullness of his grace

we have all received one blessing after another." John 1:16

I just received the most awesome news a few minutes ago and need to yell it from my rooftop. 

GOD ANSWERS PRAYER

He Is a Gracious and Loving Father, Full of Mercy and Grace, and He Has Blessed me Over and Over again.

I received a phone message from the company we have been receiving disability insurance coverage from since Mike has been sick the past two and a half years.  They have been unpredictable, at best.  I was prepared to stand ground today, and duel with them over a 3 month lump sum settlement entitled to the surviving spouse.  But I realized the department that was calling me back wasn't the disability department. It was the life insurance department. 

I was baffled on what to do or say, so my sister and her attorney coached me on how to handle the phone conversation, but before I ever got to say a word, the young woman began reading a letter to me that was sent out to me December 15th.  I sat quietly listening, preparing to rove up the lion in me, but I soon realized she was telling me I was being rewarded the full life insurance policy after all.  A reconsideration had taken place.

ISN'T THAT AMAZING?!!! 

What a beautiful answer to prayer! Thanks to ALL of you who have been down on your knees with us about this matter.  I am so blessed to have such wonderful family and friends. You kept Mike and I fighting in the battle when we had no more strength to carry on.  You have wiped my tears, you have listened to me share my heart, and you have calmed my fears by reminding me of God's love, strength and power.  At times I was so weary I couldn't even pray, but you stood in the gap and prayed my heart.  You held me and comforted me. Thank you from the bottom of heart. 

Thank you Lord for not only being my Savior, but for being my Provider, as well.  I'm so unworthy of your grace.  Evenstill....You love me.

Love,

Beverly

Many good developments today on the homefront. Two big worries that have been weighing on our hearts appear to be easier to handle than we previously thought. There are still some technicalities that are being taken care of, but overall we received very good news today.

One area we ask that you pray specifically for is a meeting mom has on Monday. She had gone to the SSA to get a minimal sum of money that can be given to the survivors of those who have passed away. In a surprising turn of events, a man that works there remembers my dad and all that had been going on with him and my mom and believes my mom may have a very good chance of receiving a benefit due to her situation and her health. So please keep this in your prayers as she goes to meet Monday to see if she qualifies for this early assistance. If she does it will be a HUGE help to her!!!

Thank you for your continued support and prayers for my family during this difficult time in our lives.

Amber

Three weeks, One day, and Twelve hours

I will just warn anyone who comes into contact with me, or who cares; tears are on the edge and spilling over.  If I'm quiet, it's only to keep my sanity. It has been a difficult couple of days, to state it honestly.  Three weeks, and reality is hitting hard.  The pain feels too much to bear at times. My heart is broken.  We have the promise of heaven, but it feels like such a long way from home.

Mike and I have been one for so many years (35), that being anything else feels uncomfortable.  I ache to hold his hand, to look into his eyes, to hear him breathe.  I could always see that everything was going to be alright, when I looked into Mike's eyes. 

I'm really struggling to keep things "normal" for the kids, when everything feels upside down.  There is so much pressure to get it together right away.  I would like nothing more than to slip away and rest.  To work out all that I'm feeling. I'm so tired of legal issues.  I'm so weary of what may lie ahead.

Lord, please still my heart.  Slow me down and let me heal.  I pray that my countenance lifts hearts, not weigh them down.  Lift this burden I feel, Lord, and light my way.  I feel so misplaced.  I can't go forward without You.  Please hug Mike for me and remind him of how much I love and miss him.

Audio of Mike's Memorial Service

Click here to listen to audio of Mike's Memorial Service

This is Meredith Anderson (wife of Amos, whom Beverly works with at Fellowship Bible Church). Beverly allowed me to post this audio recording of Mike's Memorial Service and I hope she won't mind that I'm adding a few comments. Mike's Memorial Service was the most uplifting and wonderful homegoing celebration I have ever attended. I felt so honored to witness it and have been inspired by the faith of Beverly and her family as they walk this road. I would encourage you to take the time to listen to the service (posted here). I know that you will be touched by it.


Please note: the audio file is in .mp3 format and will easily download to a mp3 player if you'd rather listen that way than via your computer.

Remembering Papaw (picture taken December 25, 2008)

Today was a day to take a break from the legal side of things.  I accompanied Mike's sister and brother-in-law to his first appointment in LR to monitor his cancer situation.  Everything sounded good from his check up.  Charlie is in remission from colon cancer and tonsil cancer.  Afterwards we did a little shopping at Sam's.  I think I have enough paper towels to last me all of 2010!

When I came home, the wife of Amos, the associate pastor where I work, stopped by with a precious gift for me.  Meredith plays the harp and she remembered how music comforts me and ministers to me so deeply.  The pieces are from the CD title "The God of All Comfort" by Amy Shreve.  There is also a book that has the same title, by bestselling author Dee Brestin "Finding Your Way into His Arms".  Dee Brestin lost her husband to cancer and journals the pain her family worked through.  I have just begun reading it but already am feeling blessed hearing from a kindred soul. 

The inside flap reads "After losing her fifty-nine year old husband to cancer, Dee Brestin wondered if her life was over as well.  She ached for God's comfort but felt utterly alone.  She discovered a secret that suffering souls through the centuries have learned: she began using psalms and classic hymns to bring peace to her soul?  Brestin invites the wounded heart to be quiet before God.  To rest like a child in the arms of a loving parent."

I'm anxious to read on and fall asleep listening to the music.  Thanks so much Amos and Meredith.  (By the way, Amos, Meredith, and their little son Isaiah are becoming missionaries oversees with World Venture.  Again, I work with Amos at Fellowship Bible Church.  He and his wife are trying to raise support this year, and narrow down the locations where they feel God is leading them.  You may visit them online at WorldVenture.com, keyword:  AMAnderson   I know they would welcome your prayers for them as well.)

It is my goal to get Mike's Celebration of Life service uploaded on this blog within the next few days...and possibly the video as well.  Meredith is helping me by doing this.  I hope it will give many of Mike's and our friends the opportunity to listen to the service, who couldn't be there.  Amber, sang a song first off to her father named "Amazing Graceland".  It was one of his favorite songs, in addition the rest of the music played at his service.  I hope it will bless you.

Thank you again for your prayers and comfort.

In Memory of Mike

(the photo above was taken 12/2007)

I thought I would feature some photos this month of Mike from past Christmas's. 

He is sorely missed at this time of year.

Today was a day of victory and slight disappointment.  I went to the courthouse this morning to try and dig up as much information I could find in Mike's and my name.  I learned my name, is in fact, on not only the deed, but also on the mortgage and note.  So..I guess the foreclosure threat is behind me for now.  Praise God! Now I just need to be able to make the payments.

I did receive back the Comparable Market Analysis on my home and property and the number came in a lot lower than I had hoped for.  I guess the housing market is still struggling. 

My attorney feels that I have good cause to go forward in fighting for the life insurance policy Mike had, that was denied to us a couple of weeks before he passed away, even though we kept payments current.  The life insurance company was the same company the disability insurance was through.  They knew of Mike's status every six months.  They have balked on keeping their commitment to us from the start (with the disability payments) and now with his employer completely out of business, they are trying to find a loophole to not pay the life insurance.  We are going to be needing some fierce praying in this area to determine if we will go forward, and spend the money to fight this, or let it go.  Obviously, a lot of pressure and concern would be relieved, if they would honor all those years we paid into their company for this kind of security.

I thank you for your prayers and offers to help me and my family.  It is so comforting to feel God's family surrounding us throughout this challenge.  Would you please continue to pray for the items listed below:

* That God's peace would go before each company I will need to contact.  That they would handle my situation with grace and kindness.

* That I will be able to find good, inexpensive health insurance, that would accept me with my pre-existing health situation.  CHIP is too expensive for me to continue to stay with.  They just notified me they are increasing my monthly payment by $50 a month, beginning January 1st.

* That my health will hold up as I try to resume my job after the first of the year, and as I consider taking on more hours.  That God will work my situation out, so I can continue to work in the church I love so much, and God will answer prayer on how to pay for my medical coverage another way.

* That God will give me wisdom on how to handle the legal side to things, including whether to pursue the life insurance policy.

* That if I need to sell my home, God would lead me to a safe and comfortable place for me and my two Cocker Spaniels, that I can afford.

I am SO blessed to have such wonderful children and family who are assisting me in this legal jungle I'm in.  I am also blessed to have so many dear friends supporting me through this time.  I can't imagine going through this kind of thing alone. Thank you!

One More Day

I praise God I have made it through one more day.  The words of a friend, have rung in my ears over and over again, since I lost Mike.  "Grace, upon Grace." 

After a 2 1/2 year fight alongside Mike, I felt God had been especially kind to me, allowing me to prepare for the possibility of losing my husband.  I longed for there to be a miracle, and I knew with all my heart one was possible, since my prayers were answered with a yes in 1980.  But if not....I felt God had been gracious giving me extra time to prepare myself for loss.  I believe now, I was wrong.

Losing Mike has hit me like a Mack truck.  The emptiness I feel in any room is unbearable some days.  I can only remove it by crawling back into bed and covering my head. And I'm not foolish to think it will get better.  I only think I will learn how to live without Mike.  I try not to look too far down the road...because I feel I only have enough grace to get me through a day. 

The simpliest things are difficult.  Waking up and not having someone say "I love you".  The numerous phone calls just checking on my day.  A meal shared together.  My hand being held. Conversation over a silly commercial.  That look...that convinced me for 34 years that I truly meant something to someone.  It's easy for me to see, at least, that this was a love of a lifetime.  I can't say for certain, I'll come through this on the other side, being alright...or the same.  I think grief will reshape my life into something different. I wouldn't dare think for a minute, I could recapture what the last 34 years gave me.  I only pray God will reshape my life into something positive, for His glory.  After all, hurting this much for nothing, would be a shame.

I am trying to pick up my life and go forward.  I went to a ladies dinner this evening at church with my daughter and daughter-in-law.  All of it was enjoyable, but I did get upset when Christmas carols were sung.  Somehow, "Sleep in Heavenly Peace", just takes on new meaning for me now.

I had to have the realtor come to my home today, as the lawyer recommended, to get a quote on the value of my home and property.  That was painful, considering leaving something Mike and I have poured our heart and strength into.  I still don't know what the outcome will be with the mortgage confusion.  My name is on the deed.  Just not on anything else, somehow.  But God was gracious to me once again.  The realtor He sent, prayed with me...shed tears for me.  Lovingly understood my loss. How precious of Him to remind me of His love and care.

The funeral home also called me.  Mike's death certificates came in.  It hurt to see those words in writing.  I can not even interpret what the cause of death was.  It was nothing familiar to me.  All I know is, that day, changed my life.  My future looks a little frightening to me right now.

Which takes me back to what I said above.........grace...upon grace.  It is my manna.  It is my air.  It is the Rock I cling to. It is the only hope I have left.

Well, my nine year old puppies need to be put on a special food diet due to their test results.  Fortunately, it isn't anything major, but it does involve their kidneys and a change has to be made.  Now they are on thyroid medication, a steroid, staph medication and special food.  Gracious! 

They believe Chloe and Hailey are also reacting to Mike not being in the home anymore. Chloe (Mike's baby) has been trembling at night. So, in efforts to sooth her, I've allowed them to sleep in an easy chair next to my bed on a quilt.  I can only imagine what Mike would be thinking,..because there was a rule that the pups would never be allowed to get on any furniture, accept the leather sofa. (which Mike broke and initiated that rule)

Holding off making any legal decisions today until my sister's lawyer could give us a second opinion; I ventured out to try and buy a Christmas present by myself.  I don't think I was ready for the flood of feelings that came my way.  I'm really struggling with Christmas.  I know my children and grandchildren need for me to be as "normal" as possible, but I'm not sure I'll get it together in time.  I'm ususally amongest the first to put up decorations, etc., but this year it is painful to even think of.  Maybe it will be possible to eventually do something really crazy and non-traditional, but I'm not sure I'll get myself to that point in time.  Amber and I are suppose to go out and do our Angel tree shopping tomorrow.  I pray I can still have that joy.

Thank you for visiting my blog.  I'm so grateful to have your thoughts and prayers.

Today has been one of those days!  It was hard facing the day from the start because I went to bed last night, and woke up again this morning missing Mike.  Then I discovered my two cocker spaniels were experiencing problems and needed to go to the vet.  I still don't know if they are sick or if they are just grieving for Mike. But it is just another situation I'm dealing with.  I hope to learn if everything is okay with them by tomorrow.

So later in the morning, I was working on what I needed to do to attend to the legal side of things.  After getting some answers the lawyer was looking for, he requested to see me again today, if possible.  Amber was able to work it out for Zac to meet me there.  He took some detailed notes and we have a course of action for the moment.  I have just been so confused lately, I'm hardly thinking straight.  Fear keeps cropping up trying to consume me.  I know this isn't from God.  I'm grateful my children are close enough to help me and that I have an army of prayer partners.  I'm so grateful for all of you.

Short, and to the point, my name is listed on some important paperwork, but not on others.  It's bizarre how this has happen but it seems to have taken place when the mortgage companies have been sold off to other companies over the years.  Mike and I thought we had everything taken care of in this department, but there have been surprises, and they are pretty substanial, and hold some risks for me.  I need prayer for protection, as we try to proceed forward, settling all of this.  For a few days I've been pretty confused on whether it is safe or not to inform these groups of Mike's passing.  I have been getting different viewpoints and have just not wanted to make any mistakes.  Tomorrow I will be proceeding forward making phone calls, so I'm praying God will cover my conversations with His protection and that things will work out.

(I will be waiting an additional day before notifying the necessary people of Mike's passing, to give my sister's attorney in TX, and opportunity to read my lawyers recommendations.  It doesn't hurt to have a second opinion.  But the maddness of all of this is weighing on me.  I was at Walmart this morning at 2 a.m. because I couldn't sleep. I can't afford to make any mistakes. BTW...Walmart isn't too crowded at this hour. ;)

I would especially appreciate your prayers.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."

Loss

"For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope."  Jeremiah 29:11

Thanks to everyone for their offers of help sorting through all of the legal paperwork following Mike's passing.  As intensely difficult it has been over the years dealing with Mike's health, loss of job, loss of medical insurance, loss of disability insurance, loss of life insurance, and now with his passing; I'm learning the battle hasn't ended there.  For a reason only God could know, I'm left to deal with more confusion and decision making.  I share this only to ask for your continued prayers, that I will see things clearly, and fully understand what is being asked or told to me.  I haven't fully been able to grasp or deal with the loss of my husband, before I'm being prompted to make other very important decisions.  My heart is heavy as I try to plug along doing what is expected or asked.  I know God is in the midst of all of this with me, but at times, I feel like I'm the only one.  Where I use to lean on Mike in these situations, I'm now needing to learn to make decisions myself, or lean heavily on my children, which burdens my heart. It's a strange, and uncomfortable new land, I'm in.  It has crossed my mind many times what God is trying to teach me through all of this and what is His purpose?  Obviously, there are more lessons to be learned. Please pray I will find the answers gracefully.

Trying to Cope

I felt yesterday like all I did was spin my wheels accomplishing little.  I was buried in piles of paperwork and a "to do" list.  United Medical came and picked up unneeded supplies.  I tried to make a few important phone calls notifying companies of Mike's passing, but spent most of the time frustrated with automated messages and not getting to speak to a human voice.  I finally ventured outside the house to run a couple of errands, only accomplishing going to the clinic to get bloodwork done, and picking up refills from the drugstore. I became so overwhelmed I headed back home.

Seeing everyone moving on with their lives and putting up Christmas decorations has been rough.  I can easily get caught up with the anticipation and excitement...then reality slaps me hard and I sink deep.  I'm trying to come to terms with this so I don't ruin the holidays for my children and grandchildren.

I'm heading to the attorney this morning to begin the grueling task of sorting through paperwork and getting advice.  Amber will be going with me to be extra ears.  Please pray for God's hand to be in all of this and that I will walk away with a lifted spirit.  I feel like a foreigner walking in such unfamiliar land.  I appreciate all of the love and prayers.