6.30.2010
6.29.2010
"The Blessing"
There's a tug of war going on inside my heart. Part of me wanting to move past all of this pain and sadness, and experience joy again, and the other part of me wanting to hold on to what I had, and not let go. My world just seems so upside down and foreign right now.
I have misplaced the joys I had working in my yard, redecorating my home, trying a new recipe, experiencing the deep joy around my family, even growing in my spiritual life. Instead, so much is weighing now on what the state of Arkansas says, and where that leaves me. I can't even escape and just take a little time for myself to relax and heal. It's a feat just to get out of bed each morning.
I have had so many suggestions on how to go forward, a lot I probably asked for, that I'm so lost in what is the right thing for ME to do. It paralyzes me and shuts me down emotionally. My heart is at the top of the highest point of a roller coaster, fearing the trip down on the other side. The unknown can be so dark and scary.
I have so many good people in my life right now, so many dear friends. My family is such a blessing to me. I was so good at cleaving to Mike, that I think I'm unknowingly, trying to place that role on to my family and friends now, and I know that isn't healthy.
A friend shared with me recently that I needed to learn to stand alone before moving on with my life without Mike. I hated that advice! I don't do alone well, after having a life time of such togetherness. The comment made me feel somewhat like damaged goods, but maybe it is truth.
I know I do better with affirmation than I do with even constructive criticism. When other's believe that I'm going to come through this....THAT strengthens me to want to hang in the race, and continue trying. Seeing, not by my eyes, but with my heart and by my faith, that my children, family, friends, or even myself; can come through challenges successfully...that is a blessing.
Years ago, I read a book entitled "The Blessing" and it has always been a model for me on how to encourage, or bring out the best in my children and others.
That's what I need so much right now.....a "Blessing," that others see me succeeding...even now...when they see me struggling the most.
With all of my faith, trust and strength, all I really know to do is cleave to God, my Savior, and rest under the protection of his wing. I'm confident He will see me through all of this, and I also know He treasures me and desires to spend time with me. So when I feel most alone I can remember I'm not.
I have misplaced the joys I had working in my yard, redecorating my home, trying a new recipe, experiencing the deep joy around my family, even growing in my spiritual life. Instead, so much is weighing now on what the state of Arkansas says, and where that leaves me. I can't even escape and just take a little time for myself to relax and heal. It's a feat just to get out of bed each morning.
I have had so many suggestions on how to go forward, a lot I probably asked for, that I'm so lost in what is the right thing for ME to do. It paralyzes me and shuts me down emotionally. My heart is at the top of the highest point of a roller coaster, fearing the trip down on the other side. The unknown can be so dark and scary.
I have so many good people in my life right now, so many dear friends. My family is such a blessing to me. I was so good at cleaving to Mike, that I think I'm unknowingly, trying to place that role on to my family and friends now, and I know that isn't healthy.
A friend shared with me recently that I needed to learn to stand alone before moving on with my life without Mike. I hated that advice! I don't do alone well, after having a life time of such togetherness. The comment made me feel somewhat like damaged goods, but maybe it is truth.
I know I do better with affirmation than I do with even constructive criticism. When other's believe that I'm going to come through this....THAT strengthens me to want to hang in the race, and continue trying. Seeing, not by my eyes, but with my heart and by my faith, that my children, family, friends, or even myself; can come through challenges successfully...that is a blessing.
Years ago, I read a book entitled "The Blessing" and it has always been a model for me on how to encourage, or bring out the best in my children and others.
That's what I need so much right now.....a "Blessing," that others see me succeeding...even now...when they see me struggling the most.
With all of my faith, trust and strength, all I really know to do is cleave to God, my Savior, and rest under the protection of his wing. I'm confident He will see me through all of this, and I also know He treasures me and desires to spend time with me. So when I feel most alone I can remember I'm not.
6.28.2010
Had a very busy weekend! The singles group met and we ate pizza and played miniature golf together. I haven't done that in so many years. I warned all my team mates, and when the night ended, I was celebrating I hadn't bounced my ball off anyones head.
Yesterday I went to church with my son and daughter-n-law. It was another good sermon and the music blessed me again. It always amazes me how deeply into worship a song can draw me. I feel I could listen to that for the entire worship hour.
Following this, Matt treated me to lunch and then brought me back to his church, where a baby shower was being held for Jill. I never in my whole life saw that much lavender and pink! Alyssa is going to need to have a new outfit on every hour, to utilize this wardrobe! What a blessing!
Then last evening I got to spend some time with Mike's sister, Lynne, and her husband Charlie. They prepared dinner for me, and I ate every bite! What a treat!
Today, Lynne and I got haircuts and we had lunch together. Before that though, we visited the jewelry stores. Lynne adores jewelry and I knew she'd enjoy a couple of places I had in mind. Before I took her home we stopped by two different Firework stands, to purchase some small "boom-booms", for our family Fourth of July celebration. We have so many special memories of doing this together in the past with Matt and Amber as kids. Drew and Ethan haven't been too excited about these in the past though, but we're hoping they will be fun for them this year. I bought one shaped as a boat, as a train, and as two little sportscars this year. I pray it doesn't scare the daylights out of them! Grandma's do not want to scar their grandbabies for life!!!
Yesterday I went to church with my son and daughter-n-law. It was another good sermon and the music blessed me again. It always amazes me how deeply into worship a song can draw me. I feel I could listen to that for the entire worship hour.
Following this, Matt treated me to lunch and then brought me back to his church, where a baby shower was being held for Jill. I never in my whole life saw that much lavender and pink! Alyssa is going to need to have a new outfit on every hour, to utilize this wardrobe! What a blessing!
Then last evening I got to spend some time with Mike's sister, Lynne, and her husband Charlie. They prepared dinner for me, and I ate every bite! What a treat!
Today, Lynne and I got haircuts and we had lunch together. Before that though, we visited the jewelry stores. Lynne adores jewelry and I knew she'd enjoy a couple of places I had in mind. Before I took her home we stopped by two different Firework stands, to purchase some small "boom-booms", for our family Fourth of July celebration. We have so many special memories of doing this together in the past with Matt and Amber as kids. Drew and Ethan haven't been too excited about these in the past though, but we're hoping they will be fun for them this year. I bought one shaped as a boat, as a train, and as two little sportscars this year. I pray it doesn't scare the daylights out of them! Grandma's do not want to scar their grandbabies for life!!!
6.24.2010
It has been a day of trying to keep pace with the racing of my heart. I began a new medication two days ago that has been giving me a few negative side effects...heart palpitations, being one of them. It brought me home a little early from work today so I could lay down and see if resting would help. I sure hope I hurry up and adjust to it, or I may stop it altogether. I can do "jittery" all by myself!
I made it through another support group meeting last night. It was a tough one, focusing specifically on the loss of a spouse. I upset myself at the start, when I discovered a picture of Mike in my book, taken just months before his diagnosis. I had been looking at it earlier in the week while doing the bookwork. I didn't intend on going back to the meetings, but changed my mind, and forgot the picture was in my book.
If that wasn't enough of a distraction, my cell phone kept turning itself back on during the meeting, after I would shut it off. It has been doing this to me every meeting I've gone to there. It crossed my mind, that if it were possible, Mike would be messing with me. That would be just his personality, trying to keep my heart light. He guarded it his whole life.
I was, and am still, SO blessed!
I made it through another support group meeting last night. It was a tough one, focusing specifically on the loss of a spouse. I upset myself at the start, when I discovered a picture of Mike in my book, taken just months before his diagnosis. I had been looking at it earlier in the week while doing the bookwork. I didn't intend on going back to the meetings, but changed my mind, and forgot the picture was in my book.
If that wasn't enough of a distraction, my cell phone kept turning itself back on during the meeting, after I would shut it off. It has been doing this to me every meeting I've gone to there. It crossed my mind, that if it were possible, Mike would be messing with me. That would be just his personality, trying to keep my heart light. He guarded it his whole life.
I was, and am still, SO blessed!
6.23.2010
“I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 3:14
Lord of Lords, let us continue to “press on” in this life as we strive to be like You. It’s hard to be an obedient believer, but You give us the power to continue moving forward in our walk through the enabling of Your Spirit. Remind us not to look back at our failures but forward as we strive to be like Jesus. Amen
6.22.2010
Anticipatory Grief
"Your spouse may have experienced a long illness before his or her death. As a result, this "anticipatory grief" enabled you to achieve a level of grieving beforehand. This doesn't mean you will be exempt from grief and pain when your loved one dies--actually, you might be amazed at how much grieving you will still need to do.
Anticipatory grief doesn't make grieving easier, but it can shorten the process for some people. Dr. H. Norman Wright says: "A lot of the grieving will occur during a time of sickness and decline. You will experience it together and maybe with other friends. After that grieving, it can take less time to get through the grieving process." quote from Griefshare.org
Today, I made it my goal to work on the master closet. Not necessarily to remove Mike's things. But to gather up all of my clothing into one location. Over the last few years, while Mike was sick, I had used other closets to place some of my clothing in, so I wouldn't disturb Mike sleeping. The first seven months I couldn't bear the thought of moving one single thing. Today, it was time to take another step forward.
Over the weekend, I had some friends over to watch a DVD with me. It was nice having company to share a movie with. Another step forward.
Baby step, by baby step, I move forward. I have tried a few things that haven't worked, or that haven't turned out the way I had hoped they would. But as they say, nothing ventured; nothing gained.
I am splitting my time temporarily between two churches. When my son is off work, I'm trying to attend with him and his wife, at their church. The rest of the time, I'm continuing to attend my home church. It makes being involved a little more difficult, but it's allowing me some time to explore options, and help my children over some hurdles.
I've also began a couple of Bible studies. One is Griefshare, a grief support program, in which I have been also attending their weekly meetings. This group has been harder for me to adjust to. It isn't the topic. It isn't the videos. It isn't the work. My heart just breaks each week when I hear other member's stories, and it makes me want to flee the room. I'm not sure if I'll continue with these meetings. I have been forcing myself to attend them, because I personally invited two people who want to continue to go. I want to be there to support them, but it's such a struggle. I may just choose to work in my workbook alone, or in a smaller group, where I feel I could open up and benefit from the support of others.
I also am doing a Bible study through the church I work at. It is a short summer program, and one where I can do all the bookwork on my own, and watch the videos when I can. I like the freedom and flexibility of this program.
I feel I have really grown in the past seven months. I've had to face a lot of obstacles alone and have learned to stand alone. The hours by myself have been painful at times, and I've shed a lot of tears. But change doesn't always feel good or come easily.
I've tried to reach out to people and haven't always had the response I had hoped for, or expected. A lot of it is my fault, being new to this new way of life. I do feel a burden to help myself and others, and have tried to step outside of myself, and minister to others in any way I could. As sloppily as I have done things, I don't think I could be blamed for not having the right heart.
Please continue to pray for me. Pray for grace and mercy as I stumble my way through this darkness. Pray for patience from friends and family. And please pray that I will find the center of God's will for my life, and serve Him there.
Always,
Beverly
Anticipatory grief doesn't make grieving easier, but it can shorten the process for some people. Dr. H. Norman Wright says: "A lot of the grieving will occur during a time of sickness and decline. You will experience it together and maybe with other friends. After that grieving, it can take less time to get through the grieving process." quote from Griefshare.org
Today, I made it my goal to work on the master closet. Not necessarily to remove Mike's things. But to gather up all of my clothing into one location. Over the last few years, while Mike was sick, I had used other closets to place some of my clothing in, so I wouldn't disturb Mike sleeping. The first seven months I couldn't bear the thought of moving one single thing. Today, it was time to take another step forward.
Over the weekend, I had some friends over to watch a DVD with me. It was nice having company to share a movie with. Another step forward.
Baby step, by baby step, I move forward. I have tried a few things that haven't worked, or that haven't turned out the way I had hoped they would. But as they say, nothing ventured; nothing gained.
I am splitting my time temporarily between two churches. When my son is off work, I'm trying to attend with him and his wife, at their church. The rest of the time, I'm continuing to attend my home church. It makes being involved a little more difficult, but it's allowing me some time to explore options, and help my children over some hurdles.
I've also began a couple of Bible studies. One is Griefshare, a grief support program, in which I have been also attending their weekly meetings. This group has been harder for me to adjust to. It isn't the topic. It isn't the videos. It isn't the work. My heart just breaks each week when I hear other member's stories, and it makes me want to flee the room. I'm not sure if I'll continue with these meetings. I have been forcing myself to attend them, because I personally invited two people who want to continue to go. I want to be there to support them, but it's such a struggle. I may just choose to work in my workbook alone, or in a smaller group, where I feel I could open up and benefit from the support of others.
I also am doing a Bible study through the church I work at. It is a short summer program, and one where I can do all the bookwork on my own, and watch the videos when I can. I like the freedom and flexibility of this program.
I feel I have really grown in the past seven months. I've had to face a lot of obstacles alone and have learned to stand alone. The hours by myself have been painful at times, and I've shed a lot of tears. But change doesn't always feel good or come easily.
I've tried to reach out to people and haven't always had the response I had hoped for, or expected. A lot of it is my fault, being new to this new way of life. I do feel a burden to help myself and others, and have tried to step outside of myself, and minister to others in any way I could. As sloppily as I have done things, I don't think I could be blamed for not having the right heart.
Please continue to pray for me. Pray for grace and mercy as I stumble my way through this darkness. Pray for patience from friends and family. And please pray that I will find the center of God's will for my life, and serve Him there.
Always,
Beverly
6.21.2010
Too Old to Be Running
Considering giving away my two Cocker Spaniels! I just had to rescue a baby bunny in my backyard for the second time in the last two weeks. Hailey had it in her mouth and wouldn't drop it, until I pryed it out of her teeth.
For almost being 10 years old, these two, sure worked together well as a team! Any takers??? (just kidding!)
The bunny is alive...for all who may have wondered. It let me hold it for awhile, without struggling. Considered relocating it, but the last time I walked away from one in the larger part of my yard...a hawk swooped down and carried it away. :-(
I'm too old to be running around in 90+ degree weather...yelling DROP! DROP! DROP!
For almost being 10 years old, these two, sure worked together well as a team! Any takers??? (just kidding!)
The bunny is alive...for all who may have wondered. It let me hold it for awhile, without struggling. Considered relocating it, but the last time I walked away from one in the larger part of my yard...a hawk swooped down and carried it away. :-(
I'm too old to be running around in 90+ degree weather...yelling DROP! DROP! DROP!
6.20.2010
Father's Day
I went to church with my son and his family this morning. The message and music were such a blessing to me. It always has been.
Today is difficult..in so many ways. The absence of Mike this year is tremendously painful. For me. But most especially for my children.
My daughter was sharing with me yesterday how deeply she misses the energy Mike brought to our family. He just never would allow the family to put their heads down, and stop moving forward. He celebrated every moment. Every relationship. Every breath of life. He loved His Savior, and practiced his faith. Not always perfectly, but persistantly. He knew God didn't call us out to be perfect, but only to trust Him.
As I was worshiping today, I couldn't help but wonder who my children have now with that example of character? With that spirit? To model for our son-in-law how to continue loving unconditionally, and cherishing his life with our daughter. To show our son how to continue his walk with God, and follow in the footsteps of his father. And should the pathway ever get blurred, because of deep grief in his heart, or the tears in his eyes.....to follow the footsteps of his Heavenly Father, that would be the compass to keep moving him in the right direction.
I pray God will raise up and strengthen men of character in our lives that can step in the gap for Mike. To help Zac and Matt see the example of giving their all, to pour their heart into what is lasting, and with what means the most, and is important.
I am so blessed to know many men in our life that can do just this, and I thank them even now, for the comfort they have given to our family.
Today is difficult..in so many ways. The absence of Mike this year is tremendously painful. For me. But most especially for my children.
My daughter was sharing with me yesterday how deeply she misses the energy Mike brought to our family. He just never would allow the family to put their heads down, and stop moving forward. He celebrated every moment. Every relationship. Every breath of life. He loved His Savior, and practiced his faith. Not always perfectly, but persistantly. He knew God didn't call us out to be perfect, but only to trust Him.
As I was worshiping today, I couldn't help but wonder who my children have now with that example of character? With that spirit? To model for our son-in-law how to continue loving unconditionally, and cherishing his life with our daughter. To show our son how to continue his walk with God, and follow in the footsteps of his father. And should the pathway ever get blurred, because of deep grief in his heart, or the tears in his eyes.....to follow the footsteps of his Heavenly Father, that would be the compass to keep moving him in the right direction.
I pray God will raise up and strengthen men of character in our lives that can step in the gap for Mike. To help Zac and Matt see the example of giving their all, to pour their heart into what is lasting, and with what means the most, and is important.
I am so blessed to know many men in our life that can do just this, and I thank them even now, for the comfort they have given to our family.
6.19.2010
I spent some time with my daughter today looking at baby items in Little Rock. We did some brainstorming, trying to figure out what direction she may go in decorating her nursery. We found ourselves looking at little boy items, forgetting that this new little one, is a girl.
I had some fun picking up a few items for my granddaughter's. This couldn't be any more fun! Just saying that word blesses me over and over again, like kisses on my cheek from Mike.
I believe God is grabbing my hand and trying to pull me forward. Trying to show me how to live again. I do it with trepidation; fearful I will be hurt again. There is still such a deep desire to want to be with Mike, but these grandbabies are reminders that God and Mike, want me to go on for them.
Happy Father's Day, Sweetheart. Seven months doesn't seem possible. May God bless you with a glimpse of beauty, that lives on because of your deep love and devotion to your children, to your grandbabies, and most especially to me, for cherishing everyday with me so completely.
"Loved you yesterday, Love you still, always have, always will!"
I had some fun picking up a few items for my granddaughter's. This couldn't be any more fun! Just saying that word blesses me over and over again, like kisses on my cheek from Mike.
I believe God is grabbing my hand and trying to pull me forward. Trying to show me how to live again. I do it with trepidation; fearful I will be hurt again. There is still such a deep desire to want to be with Mike, but these grandbabies are reminders that God and Mike, want me to go on for them.
Happy Father's Day, Sweetheart. Seven months doesn't seem possible. May God bless you with a glimpse of beauty, that lives on because of your deep love and devotion to your children, to your grandbabies, and most especially to me, for cherishing everyday with me so completely.
"Loved you yesterday, Love you still, always have, always will!"
6.18.2010
Happy Father's Day Matt and Zac!
Song For My Sons
This is a song for my sons
Don't let your love grow
Don't let your love grow
Don't let your love grow
Don't let your love grow cold
Don't let your love grow
Don't let your love grow
Don't let your love grow cold
This is a song for my sons
For when they understand it
You know how life is full
You know we couldn't plan it
Your dad and I prayed
For strength and understanding
For things we couldn't see or comprehend
This is a song for my sons
For when they understand it
You know how life is full
You know we couldn't plan it
Your dad and I prayed
For strength and understanding
For things we couldn't see or comprehend
This is a song from my heart
This is a song from my heart
A small refrain to hold you
For times when we're apart
And I cannot console you
I can't say your life
Will always go like it should
But I can say that God is always good
And when the cold wind blows
And when the cold wind blows
like I know it will
And when you feel alone
like I know you will
And when the cold wind blows
like I know it willlike I know you will
And when the cold wind blows
Don't let your love grow
Don't let your love grow
Don't let your love grow cold
This is a song for my sons
This is a song for my sons
For when they understand it
You know how life is full
You know we couldn't plan it
Your dad and I pray
For your strength and understanding
For things you can not see or comprehend
This is a song for you
To carry in your pocket
Take all our love with you
In all the paths you walk in
Be honest with yourself
And don't forget to pray
And read your bible everyday
And when the cold wind blows
This is a song for you
To carry in your pocket
Take all our love with you
In all the paths you walk in
Be honest with yourself
And don't forget to pray
And read your bible everyday
And when the cold wind blows
like I know it will
And when you feel alone
like I know you will
And when the cold wind blows
like I know it willlike I know you will
And when the cold wind blows
Don't let your love grow
Don't let your love grow
Don't let your love grow cold
Don't let your love grow
Don't let your love grow
Don't let your love grow cold
This is a song for my sons
For when they understand it
You know how life is full
You know we couldn't plan it
Your dad and I prayed
For strength and understanding
For things we couldn't see or comprehend
~Sara Groves~
6.12.2010
A Father's Legacy
"Heaven Was Needing a Hero"
by Jo Dee Mesina
I Came By Today To See You
I Had To Let You Know
If I Knew The Last Time That
Held You Was The Last Time
I'd Have Held You And Never Let Go
It's Kept Me Awake Nights, Wondering
Lie In The Dark, Just Asking Why
I've Always Been Told
You Won't Be Called Home
Until It's Your Time
I Guess Heaven Was Needing A Hero
Somebody Just Like You
Brave Enough To
Stand Up for What You Believe
And Follow It Through
When I Try To Make It
Make Sense In My Mind
The Only Conclusion I Come To
Is Heaven Was Needing A Hero
Like You
I Remember The Last Time I Saw You
You Held Your Head Up Proud
I Laughed Inside
When I Saw How
You Were Standing Out In The Crowd
You're Such A Part Of Who I Am
Now That Part Will Just Be Void
No Matter How Much I Need You Now
Heaven Needed You More
Cause Heaven Was Needing A Hero
Somebody Just Like You
Brave Enough To
Stand Up for What You Believe
And Follow It Through
When I Try To Make
It Make Sense In My Mind
The Only Conclusion I Come To
Is Heaven Was Needing A Hero
Like You
Heaven Was Needing A Hero
And That's You
6.11.2010
A Journey Continues......
I've been thinking today about two points made in yesterdays support group meeting.
#1 The amount of time spent grieving before a loved one dies shapes your journey... and
#2 One of the five tasks of grief is accepting your loved ones death.
Hearing the first point quickly had me reflecting on all the moments tears fell, during the 2 1/4 years Mike fought for his life. I desperately held on for a miracle, but I knew what we were up against, and with each of those 791 days, reality crossed my mind and I grieved.
I think the first six months after Mike passed, I was simply stunned there wasn't additional time to keep hoping we could pull out of this. And frankly, I was just exhausted and in this state of denial! When I look back at what we did to keep going as long as we did...angels simply had to be doing the work. There is nothing in either of us that could explain it any better. 75% was Mike's fight. He wanted to live so badly and rarely thought he couldn't beat his cancer. But the other part of his care...was simply God working through everyone's prayers. I don't know why I could be so prepared with the possibility of losing Mike, those 791 days, and then have it be such a shock as well.
Last night, point #2 was addressed. When we're suppose to "accept" our loved ones death. When we force ourselves to realize there will be no more pictures with Mike from here on out. When the timeline changes from what was before...Mike and Bev....to just Bev. It was like cold water in my face with that comment and I was enraged at the suggestion.
Everything about me lately, has been trying to hang on to the life I had with Mike, because I realize how special, and rare it was. I don't want to let go because I don't want to be without it. I don't want to forget. In many ways, I'm ruined by the love he gave me. I'll likely never be adored the same way again. He use to tell me, "Nobody will ever love you like I do" and that was enough to convince me he was right.
The months following his loss, my heart ached to be held. My hands felt lost without his to hold them. The shoulder I cried on, was gone. The tight hug of reassurance was missing. I missed the sounding board he gave me to hear what I was feeling. I ached to be told I would be okay, and I was lost navigating through so many unknown paths, of legal issues, finances, and family situations. I tried to find that help in other people, but it wasn't there. I quickly realized how much I leaned on Mike, and how much he fed my self-worth. I also felt overwhelmingly lonely...beyond just missing his physical presence. He knew my heart. He knew my true intentions. He new my limitations.
So there has been a huge identity crisis going on within me. And, letting go of Mike and accepting his death, is largely letting go of who I have been the last 35 years. I know my identity should be in Jesus Christ and in His love for me. But certainly you can understand, from a marriage and relationship stand point, here on earth, how it has impacted me. I'm fearful of who I'll become now. I don't want my life with Mike to be only a memory. I don't want to let go of being married to him. I don't want to remove any pictures, or any wedding bands, any clothing or anything that ties a memory to him. Yet, painfully, I see the last pictures of Mike with his grandsons, and recognize the time has lapsed. It speaks the truth whether I want to hear it, or not. So I wrestle on with my feelings and I know a change is going to take place whether I want it to or not. For some reason, God is allowing it...and I need to believe and trust He knows what's best for me.
Lord, I need your help. You can already see my struggle and my resistance to change. Only You have the capability of filling these gaps. Please don't allow me to slip away. Please protect my heart and my mind. Give me the strength to face what I need to, and the light to find my way.
#1 The amount of time spent grieving before a loved one dies shapes your journey... and
#2 One of the five tasks of grief is accepting your loved ones death.
Hearing the first point quickly had me reflecting on all the moments tears fell, during the 2 1/4 years Mike fought for his life. I desperately held on for a miracle, but I knew what we were up against, and with each of those 791 days, reality crossed my mind and I grieved.
I think the first six months after Mike passed, I was simply stunned there wasn't additional time to keep hoping we could pull out of this. And frankly, I was just exhausted and in this state of denial! When I look back at what we did to keep going as long as we did...angels simply had to be doing the work. There is nothing in either of us that could explain it any better. 75% was Mike's fight. He wanted to live so badly and rarely thought he couldn't beat his cancer. But the other part of his care...was simply God working through everyone's prayers. I don't know why I could be so prepared with the possibility of losing Mike, those 791 days, and then have it be such a shock as well.
Last night, point #2 was addressed. When we're suppose to "accept" our loved ones death. When we force ourselves to realize there will be no more pictures with Mike from here on out. When the timeline changes from what was before...Mike and Bev....to just Bev. It was like cold water in my face with that comment and I was enraged at the suggestion.
Everything about me lately, has been trying to hang on to the life I had with Mike, because I realize how special, and rare it was. I don't want to let go because I don't want to be without it. I don't want to forget. In many ways, I'm ruined by the love he gave me. I'll likely never be adored the same way again. He use to tell me, "Nobody will ever love you like I do" and that was enough to convince me he was right.
The months following his loss, my heart ached to be held. My hands felt lost without his to hold them. The shoulder I cried on, was gone. The tight hug of reassurance was missing. I missed the sounding board he gave me to hear what I was feeling. I ached to be told I would be okay, and I was lost navigating through so many unknown paths, of legal issues, finances, and family situations. I tried to find that help in other people, but it wasn't there. I quickly realized how much I leaned on Mike, and how much he fed my self-worth. I also felt overwhelmingly lonely...beyond just missing his physical presence. He knew my heart. He knew my true intentions. He new my limitations.
So there has been a huge identity crisis going on within me. And, letting go of Mike and accepting his death, is largely letting go of who I have been the last 35 years. I know my identity should be in Jesus Christ and in His love for me. But certainly you can understand, from a marriage and relationship stand point, here on earth, how it has impacted me. I'm fearful of who I'll become now. I don't want my life with Mike to be only a memory. I don't want to let go of being married to him. I don't want to remove any pictures, or any wedding bands, any clothing or anything that ties a memory to him. Yet, painfully, I see the last pictures of Mike with his grandsons, and recognize the time has lapsed. It speaks the truth whether I want to hear it, or not. So I wrestle on with my feelings and I know a change is going to take place whether I want it to or not. For some reason, God is allowing it...and I need to believe and trust He knows what's best for me.
Lord, I need your help. You can already see my struggle and my resistance to change. Only You have the capability of filling these gaps. Please don't allow me to slip away. Please protect my heart and my mind. Give me the strength to face what I need to, and the light to find my way.
6.09.2010
Bumpy Journey
Well..this weeks journey has been a little bumpy. I have been shipwrecked on shore for several days in a row, not wanting to show any attempt that I want to be here in this life. I'm learning not to ask, will these rough spots, ever end? They are in my life for the time being, and my only goal is trying to survive them, and finding the lessons they are leaving behind. But just for the few that I know who have been worried....I've climbed back out of the pit once again, and I'm back on the road to going forward.
I faced the lion tonight, and went back to my support group meeting. I didn't want to be there....in fact, I told my friend I wasn't going to meet her there tonight. But after 15 or 20 minutes, I felt it was really unfair of me to invite her to these classes....have her change a painting class she usually attends on Wednesday evenings so she could go with me to these meetings, and then have me back out on her. I just couldn't stay with that decision. So I called her up, and told her I would meet her there.
These meetings have been brutal for me. I can't pinpoint one particular thing that is my problem there. I think the specific issues being addressed are just hitting too close to home.
This week, there were mostly dry eyes....including mine. The discussion went more to how all of us are trying to live with the outcome, and less how the story began.There was more interaction, with several sharing how they have handled certain things. I'm still surprised how many in this class have losses over 2 years old, and wounds still fresh. Us newbies, are only a handful. I'm not very encouraged by that. I don't want to be feeling this raw two years out from now. But the point, that we all grieve in different ways, and at different paces, was made clear.
The video discussed how we are trying to accept our new life; trying to help others know how to understand our feelings of grief (by possibly having us write a grief letter to our family and friends). We also discussed packing up the past (moving out and distributing our loved ones things). And drawing a new timeline from here forward (accepting our singleness and going on with our lives and our future). I found much of this conversation hard to listen to.
I'm still in the place where I'm fighting to hang on to my original normal. I want my husband back. I want my life back. I want my status back. I want my security back. I want Mike's arms around me. I want to giggle with him playing with our grandchildren. I want to jump in the Miata with him and drive no where. I want all of this... and more. I'm mad that I'm being forced to give it over.
I don't know if these meetings are good for me. Maybe they are because they are forcing me to face my feelings and anger. And I can rest assured they are fully biblical and sound. But I'm wanting someone just to show me how to get back what I lost....and that answer isn't coming. They talk about facing the truth and finding your "new normal". I don't want a new normal!!! I want MY normal!!! I hate that word...as much as I hate the word single!!! I worked hard at my 34 years of marriage. I cherished it, and I wanted those days on a front porch with Mike in rocking chairs.
I don't think 13 classes are going to be enough for me to make any progress coming away feeling like I am! I'll probably be one of those students that has to repeat the course over and over again! But....I did go tonight...and that at least, is one foot in front of the other. And I may go again next week....if I can talk my heart into it again.
I faced the lion tonight, and went back to my support group meeting. I didn't want to be there....in fact, I told my friend I wasn't going to meet her there tonight. But after 15 or 20 minutes, I felt it was really unfair of me to invite her to these classes....have her change a painting class she usually attends on Wednesday evenings so she could go with me to these meetings, and then have me back out on her. I just couldn't stay with that decision. So I called her up, and told her I would meet her there.
These meetings have been brutal for me. I can't pinpoint one particular thing that is my problem there. I think the specific issues being addressed are just hitting too close to home.
This week, there were mostly dry eyes....including mine. The discussion went more to how all of us are trying to live with the outcome, and less how the story began.There was more interaction, with several sharing how they have handled certain things. I'm still surprised how many in this class have losses over 2 years old, and wounds still fresh. Us newbies, are only a handful. I'm not very encouraged by that. I don't want to be feeling this raw two years out from now. But the point, that we all grieve in different ways, and at different paces, was made clear.
The video discussed how we are trying to accept our new life; trying to help others know how to understand our feelings of grief (by possibly having us write a grief letter to our family and friends). We also discussed packing up the past (moving out and distributing our loved ones things). And drawing a new timeline from here forward (accepting our singleness and going on with our lives and our future). I found much of this conversation hard to listen to.
I'm still in the place where I'm fighting to hang on to my original normal. I want my husband back. I want my life back. I want my status back. I want my security back. I want Mike's arms around me. I want to giggle with him playing with our grandchildren. I want to jump in the Miata with him and drive no where. I want all of this... and more. I'm mad that I'm being forced to give it over.
I don't know if these meetings are good for me. Maybe they are because they are forcing me to face my feelings and anger. And I can rest assured they are fully biblical and sound. But I'm wanting someone just to show me how to get back what I lost....and that answer isn't coming. They talk about facing the truth and finding your "new normal". I don't want a new normal!!! I want MY normal!!! I hate that word...as much as I hate the word single!!! I worked hard at my 34 years of marriage. I cherished it, and I wanted those days on a front porch with Mike in rocking chairs.
I don't think 13 classes are going to be enough for me to make any progress coming away feeling like I am! I'll probably be one of those students that has to repeat the course over and over again! But....I did go tonight...and that at least, is one foot in front of the other. And I may go again next week....if I can talk my heart into it again.
6.08.2010
Griefshare.org
I have been asked to limit and remove portions of the Griefshare devotions that were on this blog. Because the message disappeared when I tried to make the corrections, and tried to copy and paste the information they were requesting; I have just made the decision to go ahead and remove the entire thing. If you are interested in signing up for these personally, you can go to griefshare.org.
6.05.2010
Random Thoughts
Not all love stories end with "till death do us part."
Breathe deeply and continue moving forward, anyway you can.
Do not be chased off by the pain shared and felt at the grief support group. Keep pressing on......
God still speaks in a quiet voice to my aching heart.
Some things are worth fighting for. Fear doesn't need to rule or conquer.
Going the second mile....can bless you as much as it blesses others.
Grace has become such an important lesson and blessing to me. Unmerited favor and forgiveness.
With God in me, what I can't do for myself, He can do, because He lives in me. If I can't stop worrying.....He can. When I think I can't go on....He will show me how.
Just breathe!
Breathe deeply and continue moving forward, anyway you can.
Do not be chased off by the pain shared and felt at the grief support group. Keep pressing on......
God still speaks in a quiet voice to my aching heart.
Some things are worth fighting for. Fear doesn't need to rule or conquer.
Going the second mile....can bless you as much as it blesses others.
Grace has become such an important lesson and blessing to me. Unmerited favor and forgiveness.
With God in me, what I can't do for myself, He can do, because He lives in me. If I can't stop worrying.....He can. When I think I can't go on....He will show me how.
Just breathe!
6.04.2010
How would the State of Arkansas, not have enough information on me by now? I have just received another packet of forms to complete, and return to them. Please pray that I won't lose my mind! :-)
"Won't you look down upon me, Jesus
You've got to help me make a stand
You've just got to see me through another day
My body's aching and my time is at hand
And I won't make it any other way"
"Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that
I thought would never end
I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times
when I could not find a friend
when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again"
6.03.2010
6.02.2010
Some times, what seems like a good idea at the time, doesn't end up being so great when you go to do it. It isn't anyone else's fault. They couldn't make tonight more friendly and welcoming. I just can't figure out what I want or need anymore.
Tonight, I went to the new grief support group, I've been thinking for weeks now, had to be my answer to navigate through this crisis I'm in. But the closer the time came to go to it, the more the anxiety built...to where I finally had to take some anti-anxiety medication, just to be able to get in the car and go. Honestly, had it not been that I invited at least two other people to attend, I think I would have backed out altogether. What in the world is wrong with me!? I can't make a bit of sense out of my life anymore!!!
All this tells me, is that there still is a lot of work to be done in my life. I also feel, all the efforts I've made since Mike's passing to move forward, would completely fizzle, if I stopped doing my part. I think it's all more important to me than to anyone else. Maybe today is just a heavy day...and I should just chalk it all up to that. You can be in a room full of people, and feel so alone, just because the one who made your heart feel so much joy, isn't there.
Tonight, I heard so much pain as others shared their stories. There were so many broken hearts being shared. I thought this would be a comfort to me, hearing others tell their stories, yet it only caused me to feel such deeper sadness. Life just really seemed unfair. I think I'm just worn out emotionally and physically trying to adjust to all of this. Does this ever get any easier?
I never thought I was one who took anything for granted. I relished every moment...every memory of my life and marriage. But when your life comes to a complete halt, and you wake up one morning with every bit of it changed...you look back and realize how much time you really did waste on trivial things. What a sin!
Thank God I have a full week to decide if I'm going to attempt going to meeting number two. To borrow a key phrase from the DVD portion of tonights meeting....I'll need to decide if "I'm going to lean into the grief", or run away from it. I guess there is a 50% chance, I'll succeed....if I look at things optimistically. But all it takes is a new day to bring a new outlook...and I'll keep praying for that.
Tonight, I went to the new grief support group, I've been thinking for weeks now, had to be my answer to navigate through this crisis I'm in. But the closer the time came to go to it, the more the anxiety built...to where I finally had to take some anti-anxiety medication, just to be able to get in the car and go. Honestly, had it not been that I invited at least two other people to attend, I think I would have backed out altogether. What in the world is wrong with me!? I can't make a bit of sense out of my life anymore!!!
All this tells me, is that there still is a lot of work to be done in my life. I also feel, all the efforts I've made since Mike's passing to move forward, would completely fizzle, if I stopped doing my part. I think it's all more important to me than to anyone else. Maybe today is just a heavy day...and I should just chalk it all up to that. You can be in a room full of people, and feel so alone, just because the one who made your heart feel so much joy, isn't there.
Tonight, I heard so much pain as others shared their stories. There were so many broken hearts being shared. I thought this would be a comfort to me, hearing others tell their stories, yet it only caused me to feel such deeper sadness. Life just really seemed unfair. I think I'm just worn out emotionally and physically trying to adjust to all of this. Does this ever get any easier?
I never thought I was one who took anything for granted. I relished every moment...every memory of my life and marriage. But when your life comes to a complete halt, and you wake up one morning with every bit of it changed...you look back and realize how much time you really did waste on trivial things. What a sin!
Thank God I have a full week to decide if I'm going to attempt going to meeting number two. To borrow a key phrase from the DVD portion of tonights meeting....I'll need to decide if "I'm going to lean into the grief", or run away from it. I guess there is a 50% chance, I'll succeed....if I look at things optimistically. But all it takes is a new day to bring a new outlook...and I'll keep praying for that.
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