Passing a Marker

I dreaded this past Sunday.  I didn't want to experience my wedding anniversary alone; yet I knew there was little I could do, to stop it, except live through it. It is suppose to be easier next year.  At least, that's what I have been told.  I'm not convinced.

I spent the day alone...trying to do anything I could to reflect on a wonderful part of my life.  To praise God for the blessing of 35 years with such a self-less and wonderful man.  The "energy" of our family.

There is such a hole in our family without him.  And I'm learning there isn't any way possible for me to fill that void.  I am not Mike.  I am not even the same person I was, since he went HOME to be with Jesus.  He brought out a side of me, that doesn't exist anymore.  It frustrates me.  It's frustrating to my family.  I don't know what the answer is to fix all of this.

So as with anything else I'm doing right now....I'm trying to keep moving forward, to avoid collapsing into a heap on the floor, and be labeled "useless" or a "burden".  I try to slap on the best smile and attitude I can get by with, and I keep placing one foot in front of the other.....even if, it isn't always a popular direction.  I'm trusting God to direct my steps, and to forgive me, if I wandered off path and lost my way.  This is new territory...so I'm bound to make mistakes...and I can reassure everyone; I'm making plenty of mistakes.

If you happen to cross into this path of sorry existence; I truly apologize.  I really am doing my best.  And I'm grateful for any forgiveness you may offer me.

August 29, 1975 - November 20, 2009

Alyssa Kaylin

A picture of Matt holding Alyssa, while Drew pushes the button to announce her birth to the hospital by playing a lullabye.

Alyssa was born Friday, August 27th, at 12:59 p.m., weighing 8 lbs. 15 ounces, 20 1/2 inches long.  She has lots of brown, wavy hair.  She is beautiful!

Momma and Daddy are doing wonderful!  Drew is loving being the big brother (as his shirt reads).  It's taking him a little to get use to Alyssa when she cries....by putting his hands over  his ears.  So cute!  He has been so excited all day.

Thanks to everyone for praying for her safe arrival.

Alyssa's Arrival

Friday morning, Jill is being induced, so at some point that day, (or worsecase, the next) we'll be holding Alyssa in our arms.  It's going to be such a joyous moment to meet her...albeit, bittersweet for me...without Mike.  This Sunday would have been our 35th wedding anniversary.

Please keep Jill and Alyssa covered in prayer.

Thank you so much,
Beverly

Chloe Noel and Hailey Noel

Oh....don't let the sweet names above fool you!

I think I own the most expensive Cocker Spaniels in the world!!!  I can't get in and out of the animal clinic without spending at least a $100 each time...which is more often than I would like to admit.  Between their special vension/potato diet for allergies, to their antibiotics for Staph infections, their allergy shots, and to whatever injuries they can cause to themselves..........it's like an open cash drawer there! 

Mike was right!!!  A mut would have been cheaper! 

Line Dancing.....

So, I was trying to come up with some new ideas of activities for the two groups I started this year.  One of these brainiac ideas was Line Dancing!  Yep...you heard right!

For those who may not know this important piece of information.....I dance!  As a child, I studied dance for several years....ballet, tap, baton, acrobatics, contemporary, jazz......you name it....and I've tried it.  I reached a point where I stopped studying it...but music and dance have always gone hand in hand for me, even if it's only done in the privacy of my home. 

Some of you might remember my purchasing a couple of other DVD's from the "Dancing With the Stars" instructors' last spring.  The only dance I really have anywhere close to looking like it's suppose to, is the Cha-Cha!

So....back to my story.  I decided that I should seek out a good line dancing DVD to help lead others to give this adventure a try and have any chance of succeeding. 

Well...it came in yesterday and I've already gone through it twice.  It has been so much fun!  I don't know how I'll ever use this new talent...but, at the least, it has kept me occupied and active, which could never hurt. 

My next goal is teaching my friends.  So, put your dancing shoes on friends!  You're about to learn the Electric Slide, to Beyonce's "Single Ladies...Put a Ring On It." 

My dogs have been looking at me like I've finally lost my mind.  They just don't remember I lost it years ago!

My Playlist

There have been a couple of remarks made to me about the music I have been playing on my Blog. 

Music has always been a very important element in my life.  It lifts my heart, calms me down, gives me energy, renews my faith, and yes, may invoke a special memory. 

Not all of the words, or even topics of the songs I like, are perfect.  I've tried to list the better ones towards the top of the playlist, to play first, so that those just wanting an update can have it and go on with their life. 

But, I also wanted a way to play the songs I enjoy listening to....for whatever reason.....easier at my fingertips.  So that is why my list exists, and keeps growing. I turn my computer on when I'm at home working...and my music plays.   I may sing, I may dance...I may make a total fool of myself in the privacy of my own home!  If any of it offends any of you, please just hit your mute button, and you won't hear it. I promise.

Jill's baby, Alyssa, has turned on her own, and now Amber has learned she does not have gestational diabetes.  So we've had good news all around this week.  Praise the Lord!

An old family friend (Melissa), recently posted this beautiful hymn to her sister on Facebook, by Anne Steele, written in her own moments of loss.  The words are so touching, that I thought it might bless you as well.

...When I survey life’s varied scene
Amid the darkest hours
Sweet rays of comfort shine between
And thorns are mixed with flowers

Lord, teach me to adore Thy hand
From whence my comforts flow
And let me in this desert land
A glimpse of Canaan know

Is health and ease my happy share?
Oh may I bless my God;
Thy kindness let my songs declare
And spread Thy praise abroad

While such delightful gifts as these
Are kindly dealt to me
Be all my hours of health and ease
Devoted Lord to Thee

In griefs and pains Thy sacred Word
(Dear solace of my soul!)
Celestial comforts can afford
And all their power control

When present sufferings pain my heart
Or future terrors rise
And light and hope almost depart
From these dejected eyes

Thy powerful Word supports my hope
Sweet cordial of the mind
And bears my fainting spirit up
And bids me wait resigned

And oh whate’er of earthly bliss
Thy sovereign hand denies
Accepted at Thy throne of grace
Let this petition rise

“Give me a calm, a thankful heart
From every murmur free
The blessings of Thy grace impart
And let me live to Thee

Let the sweet hope that Thou art mine
My path of life attend
Thy presence through my journey shine
And bless its happy end”

Vandalism

Learned today the church I work for was vandalized last night.  The glass front doors were shattered and glass was found throughout the church.  Nothing was stolen, praise God....but what is the sense behind such meanness?!  The blessing, was the vandals were captured and are behind bars.  Makes me feel a little at ease being the pastor is on vacation for three weeks.  The door was replaced immediately, so everything is back to "looking" normal.  But a little piece of security is stolen from you when something like this occurs. 

What in the world is wrong with youth today?  They cry out for help in the most odd ways.
 

We received the best news yesterday; that Alyssa had turned, and wasn't breech any longer.  So, the doctor didn't need to turn her, and Matt and Jill didn't need to go through that procedure.  Thank you so much for praying for them.  Now, we'll just await God's timing to bring Alyssa into our arms.

This week was full of surprises and blessings!  Receiving the disability award was huge for me.  At least I may have half of a chance keeping my head above water now.  God moved a HUGE mountain there.  So many of you stayed on your knees pleading and trusting Him for his help!  Simply....Thank you!

Tests at the hospital also revealed this week that there are no growths in my throat causing my swallowing problem.  But it appears my connective tissue disease may be worsening.  They are suggesting speech therapy to help with this.  I have an appointment Monday to see what they suggest...but being that my medical insurance will not cover these expenses, I'm really relying on my rheumatologist getting back with me, to see if he can recommend anything different.

I'm a year older this week too.  This past year has made me feel like I've aged more than only one year.  Now that God has answered so many of our prayers, and worry and distractions are less; grief is slugging me again, as though it's coming out of nowhere.  I can't understand why it seems to hit me in waves. 

I just want to get enough beyond the pain, so I can feel human again, and amongest the living.  I have let go of so many things that once brought me enjoyment.  My yard is a wreck.  My house needs maintenance.  At times the refrigerator doesn't even hold the basics to make a meal if I wanted to.

I'm planning on being a little selfish and taking some time for myself in a few weeks.  I promised myself, time away...to fully face what has taken place.  I've been so busy fighting for survival, the past 10 months, that I haven't had time to just let go and feel the loss fully.  But I feel I owe this to myself and I pray it will be a pivotal step in my healing.

Answered Prayer and a Happy Birthday!

A special birthday gift arrived today from the State of Arkansas after nine long months of trusting God, friends on their knees praying deliberately and passionately for me, and an attorney later, fighting for disability on my behalf. 

Amber's prayer request this morning was for a way for Mike to be able to wish me a happy birthday today.  I can be a dreamer, but somehow, I felt this granted request wasn't just an ordinary coincidence.

Thank you Father, for the strength to persevere under many hopeless nights of sleep.  Thank you for being "very real" to me today, and blessing my heart with such an unexpected gift.  I am so humbled by Your mercy, grace and love, and touched by the prayers of family and friends, but especially friends who have become more family....than friends.  You've all kept me standing, when I wasn't convinced I could go one step further.  I'm so grateful for your commitment in praying me through these last few difficult years.

Beverly & Jaime

Grandma & Ethan

Grandma & Drew (who is playing me a birthday song)

Oh...the JOY of being a grandma!

Amber and her Momma

My son, Matt, and my sister, Jaime

Our Family

Birthday Wishes

Grandma's Helpers!

I am certainly one spoiled Grandma!

Love,

Beverly

Bring on the Watermelon!

I'm celebrating another year today!  Bring on the Watermelon!!! (Don't you just LOVE this photo?) 

10 months ago...I would have argued if I'd still be standing at this point.  The truth is; I'm really not.  God has continued to carry me, and He has placed many special people in my life who have made me smile again.

I'm very grateful for my family.  It has been a hard few years on all of us...and I know we're all still struggling to get back on our feet again.  But,  we are together, and we extend our hand to each other, when one of us is weak and needs a little encouragement.  It also helps to have two little baby girls on the way to fill our homes. What a blessing!

I'm very grateful to my friends too....old and new.  Some of you have done CPR on my heart when it wanted to stop beating.  Layer upon layer of grief has been peeling off, and I'm beginning to find a small ray of hope peeping through.

My groups, the Faith Keepers (single group) and Joyful Heart (ladies evening out group), have blossomed and grown.  If nothing less, they have given me a place to focus my attention on something fun and positive, and less on my situations...which can be scary at times.  Never in a million years would I have thought I would be trying to organize groups like these.  I'm so grateful for the new friendships I have made, and for the break in the loneliness, that tries to swallow me up at times.

I'm thankful for a wonderful job, children and grandchildren to love on, and a Lord I can worship and adore.  I'm so grateful that no matter how many times I screw up...His arms are always open for me to run in to for full forgiveness.  What greater love is there, than that?!!

So...here is to a life...celebrated more for good times than bad....in strength more than weakness, and with a deep sense of loyalty, that has proven to be a sound foundation our family is built on, and can with stand through ANY storm!

A Day With Drew & Ethan

I had a very special date today with my little man, Drew.  His momma had to work for part of the day, so we had some quality time together.

We started out with chocolate chip pancakes, with him liking everything BUT the chocolate chips!   I found a way to cut around his portion, and mine, to find pancake WITHOUT the chips, but it certainly was a challenge being I was very gracious with them.

Following this, we played outside with the sandbox and swing.  Then it was on to the game tables over at the guest house.  We had just enough time to finish this before we met Aunt Amber and Ethan down at the church playground. 

The boys enjoyed themselves, as their grandma found the swings!  I would just get sailing high up on the clouds when Drew needed me to push him. :-(  It is my goal to teach these boys how to keep themselves swinging high.  You're NEVER to old to swing, or go down a slide....granted the slide was a little more tricky!!! (and before someone begins to make any wise remarks....I checked....and there were no weight limits!)  I am a bit taller though, and gave myself a tiny goose egg on my head from not ducking down when I should have.

From the playground, it was on to McDonald's!  Drew and I rode in style in the Miata with the top down!  Such fun!!!  I loved the expression on his little face with the breeze blowing his bright red hair!  He just had the biggest smile on his little face!  I'm certain Mike was smiling down on him from heaven. 

We brought our food home, which he politely ordered himself.... and Aunt Amber and Ethan enjoyed a little time here at my home, to play drums...and with some other toys.  I am learning I have to really concentrate when these boys are under my care.  Things happen so quickly, that my mind can be several seconds behind them. Their minds are working at warp speed when mine is more like a leisure bike ride in a senior citizen neighborhood.

These little men are well on their way to become older brothers in the next weeks and months.  I pray they make the adjustment smoothly, and they will always feel the special bond we share with them, as the first born, in our family.  Mike poured so much love and time in those very short years he had with those boys.  Alyssa and Emma will be truly blessed to be loved on, by Drew and Ethan when they arrive!

As far as this next week goes....I'll be turning a year older, Jill and Matt will be celebrating their 9th wedding anniversary, Drew will be turning 4 next Saturday, and I will be having some test done at the hospital on Tuesday. 

We're still trying to coax Alyssa to turn herself into the right position for birth.  She will be in our arms before we know it! 

Judy (Jill's mom) consults with a surgeon on the 18th about having her left kidney removed that has cancer in it.  So I would appreciate your covering all of these issues in prayer and for her protection.  She is one dear friend and a special lady to everyone she meets.

Have a blessed week!

(I received this update from Jill on what I had posted below...and figured I'd just include the entire explanation, so I wouldn't confuse anyone.

I think I may have explained the version in a confusing way. From what I gathered from Dr. Henderson, I will wait an hour at the hospital after the version just for them to monitor me to make sure everything is okay after the procedure. I didn't get the impression I would go into labor that quickly. The medicine they give me to relax my uterus for the procedure - according to the Internet - is actually a medicine that is also used to stop contractions in cases of early labor. When Dr. Henderson said after the procedure, if it's successful, they'll wait for me to go into labor, she said, "we'll send you home and wait for labor." She didn't lead me to believe at all that the procedure itself would do anything to stimulate labor.


The reason I'm having the procedure in the hospital is so that just in case there are any complications with the procedure (I'm assuming, such as the baby's hearbeat dropping or any type of fetal distress), they can do an emergency c-section. She told me that she has never had that happen to her in any version she has attempted, and online it said complications arise in less than 1% of versions.

So, although I'll have my bags packed and have everything ready just in case, I don't expect that I'll have the baby immediately as a result of the version.

I'd love to have the baby that week, but I'm definitely not getting my hopes up. :)
Love,
Jill)


We learned today that Baby Alyssa is still in a breech position.  She is scheduled to have the baby manually turned by her doctor at the hospital,  Monday, August 16th.  They will wait an hour at the hospital afterwards to see if Jill goes into labor.  If not, we're good to go until around August 31st.  If they are not successful in turning her, Jill will be scheduled for a C-section, August 26th.

Jill's mom is feeling a tiny bit better once her stint was removed.  Now we're waiting on a scheduled visit with a surgeon, about removing the kidney.  It will have a six week recovery period for Judy.

Thank you for your continued prayers!

A Little Good News

Dear Friends,

We learned today that the tumors in Judy's left kidney are contained in that kidney only.  The bladder was tumor free and so was the right kidney.  Praise God!  Thank you for your prayers for her and our family.  She still faces surgery to remove her left kidney but it is looking like there isn't any rush on doing this.  She is entertaining the idea of waiting until after Alyssa arrives, if the surgeon is in agreement.  Please pray that God will work out all the little details concerning this, so she can love on her new granddaughter without pain and fully enjoy this special time in all of our lives.

Jill has a doctor appointment, and another ultrasound today, to check the position of the baby to see if she is still breech.  The days are drawing close to when we will get to love on this new little one.  Please remember to pray for Jill, and Alyssa's safe arrival.

On another note....there may be answered prayer coming from the state.  I received some paperwork concerning disability, that eluded to the idea that this possibly may be going through.  I hesitate to get too hopeful, because I've been disappointed before.  But I would appreciate your continued prayers as they finish completing all the information.  Please pray I will see God's will clearly and fully, knowing which direction to head for my future.

Blessings to all of you,
Beverly