Today is the last day of a very difficult year.  There is a small part of me that would like nothing more than to disappear as quickly as this year will, at 11:59 p.m.  The kids and I have suffered a great loss this year.  Everything now feels strange and foreign.  We struggle to move forward, accepting God's will.  Accepting His plan for our lives.  Knowing we could do nothing more to save Mike and keep him with us.


There is comfort remembering Mike's smiling face, his gentle spirit, his contagious laughter, his strong hugs, and the leader he was to our family.  We wrestle with an unrealistic hope that this could all be just a bad dream.  We can't imagine not seeing Mike's face again, this side of heaven.  So thank you for your patience with us, as we continue to try and cope. From all I hear or read, it's going to be a lengthy process. 


Recently we found a picture that has given our family a little peace of mind and comfort.  For many of you who may not know the other person in this photo, it is of Brother David McLemore, former pastor of Second Baptist Church, where we once attended.  Mike and Brother David use to play tennis together and loved giving each other a hard time.  Sadly, Brother David went to be the Lord in 2008, after fighting cancer and some other medical issues. 


Since Mike first passed away..it was hard to imagine him being really gone.  It's as if we continue in hope that he'll come through the front door saying this was all a horrible hoax.  But we know that isn't reality and we are reminded of what our Bible tells us, that Mke is with God, because he believed and trusted Jesus Christ as his personal Savior, and made him Lord of his life.


This picture gave us something small and tangible we could comfort ourselves with, imagining Brother David in heaven greeting Mike, laughing as they always did, in each others company.  It brings our hearts a little peace, joy, and hope...knowing one day...we will receive the same joyful reunion.  I'm so grateful for that promise of heaven where there will be no more sorrow....no more tears.  Happy New Year.


The Far Side Banks of Jordan


I'll admit my steps are growing wearier each day
Still I've got a journey on my mind.
The hurts of this old world have ceased to make me want to stay
My one regret is leaving you behind.


If it proves to be His will that I am first to go
And somehow I've a feeling it will be.
When it comes your time to travel, likewise don't feel lost
For I will be the first one that you see.


Chorus:
And I'll be waiting on the far side banks of Jordan.
I'll be waiting drawing pictures in the sand.
And when I see you coming, I will rise up with a shout
And come running through the shallow waters,
Reaching for your hand.

"All your waves and breakers have swept over me.

By day the Lord directs his love,

at night his song is with me--

a prayer to the God of my life." 

Psalm 42:7b-8

"Nothing slips between His fingers without His permission, for He is the King of the universe.  Even destructive floodwaters are His, for "the Lord sits enthroned over the flood, the Lord is throned as King forever" Psalm 29:10"'

"God has not lost control.  He has allowed the waves for a purpose: to cleanse or to comfort, to awaken us from our apathy or to sweep over the enemy pursuing us.  They are His waves and He knows what He is doing, even when we do not."  Dee Brestin

I am trying to do something proactive in the midst of this pain in my life.  I was inspired by my sister's book club, when I was in Midland, to begin something for myself, to help fill some of those empty spaces in my life.  I'm beginning a club, with a few of my lady friends, named the "Joyful Heart Club", where we can fellowship once a month, by doing a few things like going to a movie, eating dinner out somewhere, going shopping, or just chatting at someones home. I'm not sure how the turnout will be, but I know the fellowship should be sweet, at least for me.  One of the hardest things for me right now is the stark quietness in my home.

I know my posts have been very heavy and concerning for my friends and family, and they are far from over, I'm sure.  But I want to reassure everyone, I am working hard to get through all of this grief.  I appreciate your continued thoughts and prayers as I continue to get hit by the waves.

"To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness."  -Erich Fromm

To say I'm struggling with grief this week, would be putting it mildly.  It has been taking everything within me to get out of bed and face another day, and just as much determination not to rush back in, to put an end to the long and painful hours.  There is at least a part of survival mode left in me, acknowledging that I can't just sit by and do nothing.  There are legal and financial issues to deal with...to fight for.  Not that I care so much for myself...but I care enough to spare my children with anything further to deal with.  What they are presently experiencing is more than enough grief and pain in a lifetime.  

I have been reading a lot on grieving these past few days.  I'm learning it's healthy and necessary.  I have learned that you may feel like you're losing your mind in the midst of it, but you're supposedly not.  I've learned that grieving doesn't happen in a set amount of time, and with some people, it can take up to two years to withstand the peaks and valleys.  God, I pray it doesn't feel like this for that long.  How will I bear that?!!

I recently had a friend describe grief like a fog...and I have material that suggests this is true because your mind can experience mental "brownouts" from being overloaded.  Your mind is working with too many thoughts and feelings for the brain to process.  Research has also shown that our bodies can produce a type of enzyme which has physical and emotional impact on us.  This enzyme dehydrates our body and our way of thinking." (from "The Pain of Grief" by Doug Manning)

I can share what grief is to me.  It is a broken heart.  It is knowing that God's will is perfect, yet didn't include complete healing this side of heaven.  It is learning to accept His will, and still feel God is good.  It is having the love of a lifetime, then having it severed apart from you.  It is difficult to think I'll not see Mike's face this side of heaven anymore.  I still keep hoping this is a bad dream.  Time for me is standing still.  I don't want life to go on without Mike included. 

Grieving is a crash course on life, finances, and keeping your head above water on a daily basis....No....on an hourly basis.  It is the complete undoing of oneself, while being made into the image of his Maker.  It hurts.  It's lonely.  And it's frightening.  I want people surrounding me...and yet I don't.  I want advice...and yet I don't.  What I want...is what I've been shown I can't have anymore.  Security.  Joy. The hope of not being tested more than what I can bear. 

Am I surviving? Yes....to me, barely.  I just pray I come through all of this, learning the lesson God had for me, and not spending the rest of my life disabled emotionally and spiritually.  I realize the assignment God has given Christians to be a light to the world, and I take that very seriously.  I want my life to be a blessing to others.  I pray in some small way, this journey has blessed you, if nothing more, than to remind you to hold your loved ones a little tighter, cherish each moment you have together, overlooking the trival, and triple checking your state of affairs, so that your loved ones aren't left scrambling, or doubting, in the event something should happen to you. 

I was loved as deeply as a person could be loved by their spouse, and Mike thought he had done everything possible to give me a secure future if something should ever happen.  Thankfully, God had mercy and sent His angels to step in and protect His child.  He is good ALL the time.  My heart continues to trust in that...even through these dark days of grieving.

Thank you for your continued support and prayers.  I'm blessed to have so many of you care about me and my family.

"Watch the way then, as a cautious traveller;

and don't be gazing at the mountain

or river in the distance and saying

"How shall I ever get over them?"

Keep to the present little inch that is before you

and accomplish that in the little moment

that belongs to it."

--M. A. Kelty

Christmas with the McSheehys brought some new and exciting news...another Baby McSheehy is on the way! Congratulations to Matt and Jill! We had a good Christmas. My grandmother as well as my aunt and uncle were there as well as all of our immediate family. It was also an emotional one as expected. It was hard not to notice the absence of such a big presence in our lives, but we know that Dad had his own celebration too. How exciting that must have been! The loss is hitting my mom harder this week. Please remember her in your prayers. The reality is setting in more and it's been rough for her. Please pray for her as she makes adjustments and continues to deal with legal and financial decisions.

We hope you all had a Merry Christmas and that this new year will bring you many blessings!

Bittersweet Memories -Merry Christmas Mike! We Love and Miss You!

As you might remember, I am reading a wonderful book, The God of All Comfort.  I have been surprised at how this book is speaking the very words of my heart.  Inside me, my feelings are all twisted in a knot.  I feel so much....at the same time I'm feeling so numb.  The enormity of what has happened hasn't fully hit me, but I'm afraid when it does, it will finish me.

Exerpt from book....."Two months after Steve's death...I feel like my life is over.  I understand those widows in pagan places who climb up on the funeral pyre and are burned with their husbands' bodies.  When I told Steve I wanted to go with him, he shook his head, "No, no- you must go on--the children, the people you touch. Go on because I can't.  I know deep in my soul, that our lives are not our own.  You have left us here for a reason.  Yet I look out at the frozen ground, covered with snow, and think, "That's how I feel."

I'm trying to find my feet despite all that has taken place these last four weeks.  It did me a lot of good getting away, putting aside grieving for a little while, but I'm certain I will need to journey through the deep waters to get to the other side eventually.  I'm a little afraid of those feelings that I know will be there, but haven't quite experienced yet.  I'm afraid they will undo me.

While I was in West Texas, I met a friend of my sisters, who has been traveling through these deep waters the past 11 months.  He took a little bit of time to share his story with me, and encouraged me not to suppress my feelings.  That I need to allow myself time to "feel" the pain, in order to work through it.  He is a believer and reminded me that God and my faith in Him, could see me through this.  I'm sure counting on that.

Exerpt from book..."Two weeks After Steve's Death...Has my faith been shaken?  Has my confidence in Your love for me been shaken?  Maybe a little.  You know that.  Yet in my heart I know You still are who You are.  I have so much trouble sitting still beforeYou.  My anxious thoughts multiply.  Help me be still and know that You are God.  Mountains are falling down and the seas are roaring....That's how I feel.  Frightened.  Helpless. Overwhelmed.  I cannot believe this is happening, but it is.  I know David felt that way during his years as a fugitive from Saul.  I know You felt that way at the crucifixion.  Bible notes say this psalm was the inspiration for Martin Luther's "A Mighty Fortress."  In the midst of mountains falling down, You are our "refuge", our "mighty fortress," or as Luther put it, "Our helper He amidst the flood of mortal ills prevailing."  You are the "Lord of Hosts."  Oh hide me, O My Savior, hide me, for the avalanche is here."

I knew God could save Mike if it was His will.  I wanted so much for that to be His will too. Although I believe in my heart God wanted the best for me and my family, I have to be honest and say, it's hard to see that right now.  All I can do right now is work through these feelings and continue to trust Him, to see the good in all of it.

These last few weeks have been a cornucopia of good, and not so good experiences.  The distress I was first experiencing shortly after Mike's passing, has quieted down some.  I still have a mountain of things needing to be done, legally, but I'm very grateful for anwered prayer and the blessing of so many friends, old and new. God's gracious provisions have turned my life around enough, that part of it doesn't look so bleak. Prayer is being answered....and I'm so grateful. 

All of this makes life a little lighter....yet I miss my best friend so much.  The other half of me is missing.  I'm out of balance.  Mike steadied my reactions to most anything.  He helped me make decisions when I needed to.  He was the person I would run to with something funny to share.  I miss his hugs.  I miss the unspoken words in his heart that I could read through his eyes. He could read my mind from across the room, and if I was shakened by anything, he would steady my heart by holding me.  I don't know how to live without that now.  I'm doing all I can to go forward....to do what is expected....to concentrate, and accomplish everything that is necessary to do, in a situation like this.  But, oh how I would love to just bury my head and sleep life away. 

Father, I can't do this alone.  Help me walk through this scary forest and come out okay on the other side.  I need You.

Please continue to pray that God will be the other half of me that feels is gone.  Please pray for my children.  Their hearts are aching just as much for their dad and they are trying to explain life and death to their children.  My little grandbabies are struggling to understand where Papaw is. 

My daughter in law shared this:  "Drew brought it up and asked question after question. "Are there doctors in heaven?" "Who hurt him?" "Is he still hurting?" (I kept saying that there doesn't need to be doctors in heaven because no one is sick or hurting. Papaw is all better in Heaven. Drew "drew" upon my excitement at knowing this and had this big smile on his face.) "How do we get to Heaven?" (I had him quote his John 3:16 verse and explained that Papaw believed in Jesus and that's why he's in heaven and when we believe in Jesus, we will go to Heaven too.) "Why can't we go there now?" (Because not everyone knows about Jesus and how to get to Heaven so we're still here so we can tell other people about Jesus.) Maybe he was drawing off of my excitement as I was talking about Jesus's gift and Heaven, but he was smiling and excited as I was talking to him about it. Then he started asking questions I had a hard time answering where he could understand. "Where is Heaven?" "Where is Jesus?" I tried my best and told him we just have faith and faith is believing in what we don't see."


Please continue to pray God gives my children the emotional strength they need to put aside what they are feeling, to talk with their children about what is troubling them.  Again, we appreciate your prayers so much.  And the ways you have demonstrated love and support to us touches us deeply....whether it is legal advice, monetary gifts, trips away, phone calls, emails, hugs, or just sharing your own stories of grief....you have given to us and we feel so blessed. 
 
Love,
Beverly

Wide Open Spaces

Tumbleweed

Drilling for Oil

A Beautiful Family and A Fast Friendship

(They lost their mom/wife last January)

Pumping the Oil

A Midland Sunset

My Sister's Book Club

A Sweet Group of Women

My Little Sister

She Pampered Me and Made Me Feel Special

Every Minute I Was in Midland

Roger (Jaime's husband) and I at Dinner

Obviously, Jaime Took the Photo

My mom is still visiting with her sister and will come home on Sunday. She's enjoying seeing the sights, meeting new friends and being pampered. Today she met with a lawyer to help clear up some confusing legal matters. Hopefully this will aid her in making future decisions and also ease her mind that she's doing everything properly.

As I said, she'll be home late Sunday in time to celebrate Christmas with the family. I know her puppies will be thankful to have her home...I've not been handing out the "cookies"/treats the way she does. :) I know I for one will most certainly will be glad to have her home!

Amber

"From the fullness of his grace

we have all received one blessing after another." John 1:16

I just received the most awesome news a few minutes ago and need to yell it from my rooftop. 

GOD ANSWERS PRAYER

He Is a Gracious and Loving Father, Full of Mercy and Grace, and He Has Blessed me Over and Over again.

I received a phone message from the company we have been receiving disability insurance coverage from since Mike has been sick the past two and a half years.  They have been unpredictable, at best.  I was prepared to stand ground today, and duel with them over a 3 month lump sum settlement entitled to the surviving spouse.  But I realized the department that was calling me back wasn't the disability department. It was the life insurance department. 

I was baffled on what to do or say, so my sister and her attorney coached me on how to handle the phone conversation, but before I ever got to say a word, the young woman began reading a letter to me that was sent out to me December 15th.  I sat quietly listening, preparing to rove up the lion in me, but I soon realized she was telling me I was being rewarded the full life insurance policy after all.  A reconsideration had taken place.

ISN'T THAT AMAZING?!!! 

What a beautiful answer to prayer! Thanks to ALL of you who have been down on your knees with us about this matter.  I am so blessed to have such wonderful family and friends. You kept Mike and I fighting in the battle when we had no more strength to carry on.  You have wiped my tears, you have listened to me share my heart, and you have calmed my fears by reminding me of God's love, strength and power.  At times I was so weary I couldn't even pray, but you stood in the gap and prayed my heart.  You held me and comforted me. Thank you from the bottom of heart. 

Thank you Lord for not only being my Savior, but for being my Provider, as well.  I'm so unworthy of your grace.  Evenstill....You love me.

Love,

Beverly

Many good developments today on the homefront. Two big worries that have been weighing on our hearts appear to be easier to handle than we previously thought. There are still some technicalities that are being taken care of, but overall we received very good news today.

One area we ask that you pray specifically for is a meeting mom has on Monday. She had gone to the SSA to get a minimal sum of money that can be given to the survivors of those who have passed away. In a surprising turn of events, a man that works there remembers my dad and all that had been going on with him and my mom and believes my mom may have a very good chance of receiving a benefit due to her situation and her health. So please keep this in your prayers as she goes to meet Monday to see if she qualifies for this early assistance. If she does it will be a HUGE help to her!!!

Thank you for your continued support and prayers for my family during this difficult time in our lives.

Amber

Three weeks, One day, and Twelve hours

I will just warn anyone who comes into contact with me, or who cares; tears are on the edge and spilling over.  If I'm quiet, it's only to keep my sanity. It has been a difficult couple of days, to state it honestly.  Three weeks, and reality is hitting hard.  The pain feels too much to bear at times. My heart is broken.  We have the promise of heaven, but it feels like such a long way from home.

Mike and I have been one for so many years (35), that being anything else feels uncomfortable.  I ache to hold his hand, to look into his eyes, to hear him breathe.  I could always see that everything was going to be alright, when I looked into Mike's eyes. 

I'm really struggling to keep things "normal" for the kids, when everything feels upside down.  There is so much pressure to get it together right away.  I would like nothing more than to slip away and rest.  To work out all that I'm feeling. I'm so tired of legal issues.  I'm so weary of what may lie ahead.

Lord, please still my heart.  Slow me down and let me heal.  I pray that my countenance lifts hearts, not weigh them down.  Lift this burden I feel, Lord, and light my way.  I feel so misplaced.  I can't go forward without You.  Please hug Mike for me and remind him of how much I love and miss him.

Audio of Mike's Memorial Service

Click here to listen to audio of Mike's Memorial Service

This is Meredith Anderson (wife of Amos, whom Beverly works with at Fellowship Bible Church). Beverly allowed me to post this audio recording of Mike's Memorial Service and I hope she won't mind that I'm adding a few comments. Mike's Memorial Service was the most uplifting and wonderful homegoing celebration I have ever attended. I felt so honored to witness it and have been inspired by the faith of Beverly and her family as they walk this road. I would encourage you to take the time to listen to the service (posted here). I know that you will be touched by it.


Please note: the audio file is in .mp3 format and will easily download to a mp3 player if you'd rather listen that way than via your computer.

Remembering Papaw (picture taken December 25, 2008)

Today was a day to take a break from the legal side of things.  I accompanied Mike's sister and brother-in-law to his first appointment in LR to monitor his cancer situation.  Everything sounded good from his check up.  Charlie is in remission from colon cancer and tonsil cancer.  Afterwards we did a little shopping at Sam's.  I think I have enough paper towels to last me all of 2010!

When I came home, the wife of Amos, the associate pastor where I work, stopped by with a precious gift for me.  Meredith plays the harp and she remembered how music comforts me and ministers to me so deeply.  The pieces are from the CD title "The God of All Comfort" by Amy Shreve.  There is also a book that has the same title, by bestselling author Dee Brestin "Finding Your Way into His Arms".  Dee Brestin lost her husband to cancer and journals the pain her family worked through.  I have just begun reading it but already am feeling blessed hearing from a kindred soul. 

The inside flap reads "After losing her fifty-nine year old husband to cancer, Dee Brestin wondered if her life was over as well.  She ached for God's comfort but felt utterly alone.  She discovered a secret that suffering souls through the centuries have learned: she began using psalms and classic hymns to bring peace to her soul?  Brestin invites the wounded heart to be quiet before God.  To rest like a child in the arms of a loving parent."

I'm anxious to read on and fall asleep listening to the music.  Thanks so much Amos and Meredith.  (By the way, Amos, Meredith, and their little son Isaiah are becoming missionaries oversees with World Venture.  Again, I work with Amos at Fellowship Bible Church.  He and his wife are trying to raise support this year, and narrow down the locations where they feel God is leading them.  You may visit them online at WorldVenture.com, keyword:  AMAnderson   I know they would welcome your prayers for them as well.)

It is my goal to get Mike's Celebration of Life service uploaded on this blog within the next few days...and possibly the video as well.  Meredith is helping me by doing this.  I hope it will give many of Mike's and our friends the opportunity to listen to the service, who couldn't be there.  Amber, sang a song first off to her father named "Amazing Graceland".  It was one of his favorite songs, in addition the rest of the music played at his service.  I hope it will bless you.

Thank you again for your prayers and comfort.

In Memory of Mike

(the photo above was taken 12/2007)

I thought I would feature some photos this month of Mike from past Christmas's. 

He is sorely missed at this time of year.

Today was a day of victory and slight disappointment.  I went to the courthouse this morning to try and dig up as much information I could find in Mike's and my name.  I learned my name, is in fact, on not only the deed, but also on the mortgage and note.  So..I guess the foreclosure threat is behind me for now.  Praise God! Now I just need to be able to make the payments.

I did receive back the Comparable Market Analysis on my home and property and the number came in a lot lower than I had hoped for.  I guess the housing market is still struggling. 

My attorney feels that I have good cause to go forward in fighting for the life insurance policy Mike had, that was denied to us a couple of weeks before he passed away, even though we kept payments current.  The life insurance company was the same company the disability insurance was through.  They knew of Mike's status every six months.  They have balked on keeping their commitment to us from the start (with the disability payments) and now with his employer completely out of business, they are trying to find a loophole to not pay the life insurance.  We are going to be needing some fierce praying in this area to determine if we will go forward, and spend the money to fight this, or let it go.  Obviously, a lot of pressure and concern would be relieved, if they would honor all those years we paid into their company for this kind of security.

I thank you for your prayers and offers to help me and my family.  It is so comforting to feel God's family surrounding us throughout this challenge.  Would you please continue to pray for the items listed below:

* That God's peace would go before each company I will need to contact.  That they would handle my situation with grace and kindness.

* That I will be able to find good, inexpensive health insurance, that would accept me with my pre-existing health situation.  CHIP is too expensive for me to continue to stay with.  They just notified me they are increasing my monthly payment by $50 a month, beginning January 1st.

* That my health will hold up as I try to resume my job after the first of the year, and as I consider taking on more hours.  That God will work my situation out, so I can continue to work in the church I love so much, and God will answer prayer on how to pay for my medical coverage another way.

* That God will give me wisdom on how to handle the legal side to things, including whether to pursue the life insurance policy.

* That if I need to sell my home, God would lead me to a safe and comfortable place for me and my two Cocker Spaniels, that I can afford.

I am SO blessed to have such wonderful children and family who are assisting me in this legal jungle I'm in.  I am also blessed to have so many dear friends supporting me through this time.  I can't imagine going through this kind of thing alone. Thank you!

One More Day

I praise God I have made it through one more day.  The words of a friend, have rung in my ears over and over again, since I lost Mike.  "Grace, upon Grace." 

After a 2 1/2 year fight alongside Mike, I felt God had been especially kind to me, allowing me to prepare for the possibility of losing my husband.  I longed for there to be a miracle, and I knew with all my heart one was possible, since my prayers were answered with a yes in 1980.  But if not....I felt God had been gracious giving me extra time to prepare myself for loss.  I believe now, I was wrong.

Losing Mike has hit me like a Mack truck.  The emptiness I feel in any room is unbearable some days.  I can only remove it by crawling back into bed and covering my head. And I'm not foolish to think it will get better.  I only think I will learn how to live without Mike.  I try not to look too far down the road...because I feel I only have enough grace to get me through a day. 

The simpliest things are difficult.  Waking up and not having someone say "I love you".  The numerous phone calls just checking on my day.  A meal shared together.  My hand being held. Conversation over a silly commercial.  That look...that convinced me for 34 years that I truly meant something to someone.  It's easy for me to see, at least, that this was a love of a lifetime.  I can't say for certain, I'll come through this on the other side, being alright...or the same.  I think grief will reshape my life into something different. I wouldn't dare think for a minute, I could recapture what the last 34 years gave me.  I only pray God will reshape my life into something positive, for His glory.  After all, hurting this much for nothing, would be a shame.

I am trying to pick up my life and go forward.  I went to a ladies dinner this evening at church with my daughter and daughter-in-law.  All of it was enjoyable, but I did get upset when Christmas carols were sung.  Somehow, "Sleep in Heavenly Peace", just takes on new meaning for me now.

I had to have the realtor come to my home today, as the lawyer recommended, to get a quote on the value of my home and property.  That was painful, considering leaving something Mike and I have poured our heart and strength into.  I still don't know what the outcome will be with the mortgage confusion.  My name is on the deed.  Just not on anything else, somehow.  But God was gracious to me once again.  The realtor He sent, prayed with me...shed tears for me.  Lovingly understood my loss. How precious of Him to remind me of His love and care.

The funeral home also called me.  Mike's death certificates came in.  It hurt to see those words in writing.  I can not even interpret what the cause of death was.  It was nothing familiar to me.  All I know is, that day, changed my life.  My future looks a little frightening to me right now.

Which takes me back to what I said above.........grace...upon grace.  It is my manna.  It is my air.  It is the Rock I cling to. It is the only hope I have left.

Well, my nine year old puppies need to be put on a special food diet due to their test results.  Fortunately, it isn't anything major, but it does involve their kidneys and a change has to be made.  Now they are on thyroid medication, a steroid, staph medication and special food.  Gracious! 

They believe Chloe and Hailey are also reacting to Mike not being in the home anymore. Chloe (Mike's baby) has been trembling at night. So, in efforts to sooth her, I've allowed them to sleep in an easy chair next to my bed on a quilt.  I can only imagine what Mike would be thinking,..because there was a rule that the pups would never be allowed to get on any furniture, accept the leather sofa. (which Mike broke and initiated that rule)

Holding off making any legal decisions today until my sister's lawyer could give us a second opinion; I ventured out to try and buy a Christmas present by myself.  I don't think I was ready for the flood of feelings that came my way.  I'm really struggling with Christmas.  I know my children and grandchildren need for me to be as "normal" as possible, but I'm not sure I'll get it together in time.  I'm ususally amongest the first to put up decorations, etc., but this year it is painful to even think of.  Maybe it will be possible to eventually do something really crazy and non-traditional, but I'm not sure I'll get myself to that point in time.  Amber and I are suppose to go out and do our Angel tree shopping tomorrow.  I pray I can still have that joy.

Thank you for visiting my blog.  I'm so grateful to have your thoughts and prayers.

Today has been one of those days!  It was hard facing the day from the start because I went to bed last night, and woke up again this morning missing Mike.  Then I discovered my two cocker spaniels were experiencing problems and needed to go to the vet.  I still don't know if they are sick or if they are just grieving for Mike. But it is just another situation I'm dealing with.  I hope to learn if everything is okay with them by tomorrow.

So later in the morning, I was working on what I needed to do to attend to the legal side of things.  After getting some answers the lawyer was looking for, he requested to see me again today, if possible.  Amber was able to work it out for Zac to meet me there.  He took some detailed notes and we have a course of action for the moment.  I have just been so confused lately, I'm hardly thinking straight.  Fear keeps cropping up trying to consume me.  I know this isn't from God.  I'm grateful my children are close enough to help me and that I have an army of prayer partners.  I'm so grateful for all of you.

Short, and to the point, my name is listed on some important paperwork, but not on others.  It's bizarre how this has happen but it seems to have taken place when the mortgage companies have been sold off to other companies over the years.  Mike and I thought we had everything taken care of in this department, but there have been surprises, and they are pretty substanial, and hold some risks for me.  I need prayer for protection, as we try to proceed forward, settling all of this.  For a few days I've been pretty confused on whether it is safe or not to inform these groups of Mike's passing.  I have been getting different viewpoints and have just not wanted to make any mistakes.  Tomorrow I will be proceeding forward making phone calls, so I'm praying God will cover my conversations with His protection and that things will work out.

(I will be waiting an additional day before notifying the necessary people of Mike's passing, to give my sister's attorney in TX, and opportunity to read my lawyers recommendations.  It doesn't hurt to have a second opinion.  But the maddness of all of this is weighing on me.  I was at Walmart this morning at 2 a.m. because I couldn't sleep. I can't afford to make any mistakes. BTW...Walmart isn't too crowded at this hour. ;)

I would especially appreciate your prayers.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."

Loss

"For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope."  Jeremiah 29:11

Thanks to everyone for their offers of help sorting through all of the legal paperwork following Mike's passing.  As intensely difficult it has been over the years dealing with Mike's health, loss of job, loss of medical insurance, loss of disability insurance, loss of life insurance, and now with his passing; I'm learning the battle hasn't ended there.  For a reason only God could know, I'm left to deal with more confusion and decision making.  I share this only to ask for your continued prayers, that I will see things clearly, and fully understand what is being asked or told to me.  I haven't fully been able to grasp or deal with the loss of my husband, before I'm being prompted to make other very important decisions.  My heart is heavy as I try to plug along doing what is expected or asked.  I know God is in the midst of all of this with me, but at times, I feel like I'm the only one.  Where I use to lean on Mike in these situations, I'm now needing to learn to make decisions myself, or lean heavily on my children, which burdens my heart. It's a strange, and uncomfortable new land, I'm in.  It has crossed my mind many times what God is trying to teach me through all of this and what is His purpose?  Obviously, there are more lessons to be learned. Please pray I will find the answers gracefully.

Trying to Cope

I felt yesterday like all I did was spin my wheels accomplishing little.  I was buried in piles of paperwork and a "to do" list.  United Medical came and picked up unneeded supplies.  I tried to make a few important phone calls notifying companies of Mike's passing, but spent most of the time frustrated with automated messages and not getting to speak to a human voice.  I finally ventured outside the house to run a couple of errands, only accomplishing going to the clinic to get bloodwork done, and picking up refills from the drugstore. I became so overwhelmed I headed back home.

Seeing everyone moving on with their lives and putting up Christmas decorations has been rough.  I can easily get caught up with the anticipation and excitement...then reality slaps me hard and I sink deep.  I'm trying to come to terms with this so I don't ruin the holidays for my children and grandchildren.

I'm heading to the attorney this morning to begin the grueling task of sorting through paperwork and getting advice.  Amber will be going with me to be extra ears.  Please pray for God's hand to be in all of this and that I will walk away with a lifted spirit.  I feel like a foreigner walking in such unfamiliar land.  I appreciate all of the love and prayers.

I want to thank all of you who have called with your love and concern. As expected, things have been fairly difficult the past couple of days.  Out of town family have all left now, and the distractions are gone.  I'm missing Mike tremendously, and the reality of the situation is setting in.  The pain is intense at times.

I'm overwhelmed with everything needing to be done after losing a loved one.  In my situation, there are a lot of other problems, in addition to losing my best friend.  I will need to be speaking to a lawyer and trying to get some counsel.  I would really appreciate your prayers concerning this, that it would be sound guidance, and God will clearly show me what I need to do.  I'm so out of my element, the stress I'm feeling is heavy.  I'm trying to take deep breaths, and things one day at a time.  Thank you for your continued prayers and encouragement.

This Sickness Will Not End in Death by Jill McSheehy

A Love of a Lifetime --The Legacy of a Warrior with Unconditional Love--

Dear Family and Friends,

As I try to process all of the events and activity this past week, I realize I have so much to be grateful for, in the midst of my heart aching.  I'm grateful for the promise of eternal life.  For it brings me the promise I will be with Mike again one day.  I'm grateful for the strength He gives to His children to bear up under difficult circumstances.  I could never do any of this under my own strength.  He is my sustainer and will be my provider and comforter over this time of mourning. 

I'm so thankful for the comfort and love of my children, grandchildren, family and friends. The temporary absence of my best friend and companion will be difficult, this side of heaven, but God will continue to wipe my tears and carry me when my legs are too shaky to stand alone.  I know God has a purpose for my life and for this suffering.  My heart is eager to learn what His purpose is.

I would like to ask you to pray for my children and grandchildren.  Their hearts are broken and confused.  Please pray their grieving will be brief and that God will multiply the love, compassion, sense of humor in life their father passed on to them... with the acceptance of God's sovereignity in their loss.  May this experience draw them closer to His side, that they would cherish each precious moment God gives them as husband and wives, mommy's and daddy's and witnesses for Him.  May the hole they are experiencing right now, be filled with their father's example of living life to its fullest, and under his legacy of unconditional love. May they be the warrior he was in so many aspects of his life.

I can not thank all of you enough for being more than a friend to me.  You have been loving friends, faithful advisor's, encouragers,... all wrapped up under the name of brothers and sister's in Christ.  You have given me your hearts and your resources to survive. Your prayers have been such a source of encouragement and peace to me.  The tight hugs have steadied the trembling inside.  You have never left me to bear any of this alone. 

I am so grateful to have lived a lifetime of love in 34 years, with a man who absolutely adored and cherished me.  Those memories will carry me forward until he and I meet again in heaven.

Services

Visitation: 

Monday, November 23rd

5 p.m. to 7 p.m.

Shinn Funeral Service

800 West Main Street, Russellville

Service:

Tuesday, November 24th

10 a.m.

First Baptist Church, Russellville

300 South Denver, Russellville

Officated by:  Rev. Greg Sykes, Pastor Bob Manry and Pastor Amos Anderson

Honorary Pallbearers:  Dr. Mike Hendren, Kent Wynes, Jeff Zimmerman, Russ Lacy, Jim Gray, Roger Alexander, Jerry Smith, the staff of Coulter Physical Therapy, the physicians and staff of Arkansas Oncology Associates, fellow employees of Goody’s Distribution Center and members of Hank Jacob’s Sunday School Class at First Baptist Church.

In lieu of flowers, memorials may be made to Arkansas Oncology Associates in Mike’s name.

 

Thank all of you again for your continued support and prayers.

The Ultimate Healing

"Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints."  Psalm 116:15

Dear Friends,

My father-in-law Mike went to be with his Lord today.  After complications arising from this latest procedure, his body wasn't able to recover.  Our whole family was by his side.  He fought valiantly and didn't want to leave his loving family behind, but we all are comforted in the fact that he is with Jesus now, and we will see him again.

""Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" The sting of death is sin...But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ" (1 Corinthians 15:55-57)

Our whole family cannot thank all of you enough for your continued love, prayers, and support.  We appreciate you more than we can express.  Please continue to pray for Beverly.  She and Mike had a special relationship, and as you know she poured her whole life into his care these last years.  She will dearly miss her best friend.  Please pray for Matt and Amber as they cope with the loss of their dad, especially heading into Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Pray that Zac and I will be able to comfort and minister to them as best as we can, while we grieve as well.  Please keep the rest of our family in your prayers as well. 

We will update you when arrangements are made for the memorial service, or as Beverly wants it to be, a celebration service of Mike's life and of Mike's faith.  Thank you again.

In Christ,
Jill McSheehy

More procedures...

Update: The tube could not be inserted. They tried, but he gagged and vomited again. His oncologist is supposed to be by this evening to decide what to do. Please remember them both in your prayers. It has been a very long and challenging day.

Everything seemed to be going so well, but mom called and told me that they're going to put a tube down dad's nose into his stomach this evening to drain it. As far as I can tell he's been vomiting which is a concern with his stitches and also because he has supposedly displaced the abdominal tube, so that's not draining properly. He's had this problem before with his abdominal tube and it led to considerable swelling. I'm praying this isn't too much of a setback.

Earlier today things seemed to be going well. Mom got to speak with the surgeon earlier this afternoon and he was going to increase dad's feedings to get him on track. So my assumption is that dad will have this procedure done tonight and will most likely be in LR for the weekend. That's just my thoughts, since it seems getting discharged takes a while, and I don't see them allowing him to go home like this.

I'm a little unsettled with this new news. Please pray that everything will go smoothly with this procedure and that they will be able to get his abdominal drain back in place. Also pray that we can get all of his vitals stabilized. At this point, I'm simply praying he can come home for Thanksgiving.

Wednesday Update

UPDATE: Dad has been taken off a clear liquid diet again. I guess he wasn't able to hold it down last night and they don't want him to strain the incision by vomiting. So for now, we are waiting for his food intake to increase which takes a while. I figure he'll be in the hospital a few more days. They also put him back on the medicine he takes to keep his ammonia level down (they didn't know he needed it) because mom said he was out of it this morning telling odd stories again.

My mom went back up to the hospital this morning to check on dad and try to get some information about what the next few days hold. She had a frustrating morning trying to get details about his care and condition. Overall he seems to be doing well. He began tube feeding today and this evening they're already beginning to increase that amount. From what I hear this has to be done slowly since it's not going to his stomach but to his intestines. Hopefully tomorrow we can learn more about when they might consider discharging him.

He has finally been cleared to start a clear fluid diet. Earlier today we were concerned that he wasn't allowed to ever eat or drink by mouth due to information one nurse gave us, but it just appears that it will be a slow process. Dad's been unhappy last night and most of today because they weren't allowing him hardly anything to drink. Thankfully, the nurse called my mom on her way home to let her know that dad is allowed to have clear fluids. That's a big relief to both of them. Hopefully he'll be cleared later on to eat more solids and regular food. Our family is centered around food, if that makes any sense at all, and knowing we can all still gather and gorge makes us happy. :)

Thank you for remembering my family in your prayers. We're hoping the next few days go smoothly and that dad will recover and be discharged without any problems or delays. Please pray for my mom as she continues to travel back and forth between the hospital. She plans to return early tomorrow morning in hopes of catching the surgeon on his rounds. She hasn't been able to talk with him today.

(The above photo was taken of my dad this morning before he and mom headed to the hospital.)

I apologize for the late update. Dad's procedure was a success!!! He is at Baptist Medical Center for the next few days for monitoring since the procedure was a bit more invasive than usual (going into the small intestine rather than the stomach), but overall he appears to be doing well. We left my dad at around 6:30pm to allow him to rest and sleep since he's on a pain pump this evening to help with any incision pain. They also re-stitched around his billiary drains and will help fix his abdominal drain as well. He had 2.5 liters of fluid drained from his abdomen in order to help the incision site stay dry and heal faster. He will also need his abdominal drain to stay on a bag to help aid in keeping the area inside his stomach dry so it will heal. They hope to begin using the feeding tube tomorrow.

Please continue to pray for my dad as he begins this healing process and begins to get the nutrition he needs. Please pray for a good night's sleep for my dad at the hospital and my mom at home. They weren't planning on staying overnight, so she came home and will return in the morning. Thank you for all who are praying for my dad and family.

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea...The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress." Psalm 46

Tomorrow is the Big Day

As I write, my dad is up at St. Mary's getting 2 bags of IV fluids. We could all tell he was dehydrated and he finally made the decision on his own to ask for fluids. Usually this makes him feel better almost immediately. It's also a good thing for him not to be dehydrated before a procedure since that can affect his blood pressure as well.

Dad's down to 105 lbs. He needs this feeding tube desperately. Today he also started speech therapy to help strenghten his swallowing muscles. So with these two steps forward, we're hoping to see a huge improvement for dad in the next few weeks. Once we can get his weight loss stabilized, then we hope to see improvements in other areas as well.

Please pray for my dad tomorrow during this procedure. Please pray that it will go smoothly, that they will be able to get in and out as fast as possible so dad's blood pressure will not dip down too low, and that recovery will go well. Please pray for his protection and that he'll gain some weight soon!!! Also keep my mom in your prayers and the rest of the family as we wait. Please pray for peace. Please pray that God will use this situation to bring glory to Himself.

Below are the lyrics to a song by Kutless called "What Faith Can Do". I can't figure out how to post the Youtube link, but my mom might do so later. For now, simply let these words speak to your heart as they did to mine.

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think its more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You do have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
It'll tell you that you can!

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

I got to visit with my dad tonight for the first time in weeks. Boy, he's lost some weight! That was the first thing I thought when I saw him come down the stairs. But, like a good child, I invited myself to dinner :) and we all enjoyed some chinese food....ok, most of us did, just not my mom, even though I tried my hardest to convert her. So, he did make an effort to eat. My greatest concern right now and what I'd like to ask everyone to pray about is his attitude. His "fight" just isn't there like it used to be. It frustrates me because we all see his condition and set out to do everything we can to help him heal in any way possible. He says he sees his condition but to me, he just doesn't seem very concerned about it.

So I ask that you'll pray along with me that my dad will get his "fight" back...his determination to get better. I ask that you pray he will continue to eat even after he gets the feeding tube. I ask that you pray for strength for him and my mom for this coming week as it will be another difficult week with medical procedures, fasting, travel and concern for his health. I ask that you pray with me for complete healing for my dad. Please pray for a joyful Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday for our entire family. We have so much to be thankful for and I'd love for us to be able to truly celebrate what each of these holidays is all about and to give thanks to God for all He has done for my family.

Thanks to each friend and family member who prays for us and goes out of their way to help us in their own way. You are very much appreciated and loved!

PRAISE!!!

Dad's case worker for his insurance has gained approval for speech therapy!!! She's getting it all set up for him. This couldn't come at a better time. He'll get his feeding tube on Tuesday to aid in getting him enough calories and then on top of that he'll get the speech therapy he needs in order to strengthen his swallowing muscles. Praise the Lord! Please continue to pray for my dad. He's having a rough week and we need him strong for the procedure this coming Tuesday. We're not sure what exactly is wrong, but he's not acting like himself, so please pray for the Lord to heal him and protect him from any viruses and other illnesses this weekend and coming week.

My daughter-in-law sent me the beautiful song below. 

It blessed me.  I pray it blesses you too.

"YOUR HANDS"

Lyrics:

I have unanswered prayers

I have trouble I wish wasn't there

And I have asked a thousand ways

That You would take my pain away

That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand

How to walk this weary land

Make straight the paths that crookedly lie

Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking

Heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth

You healed the broken, lost, and hurt

I know You hate to see me cry

One day You will set all things right

Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking

Heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave Your hands

Your hands

Your hands that shape the world

Are holding me, they hold me still

Your hands that shape the world

Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking

Heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking

Heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave...

I never leave Your hands

For more JJ Heller: www.jjheller.com

Mike has become weak and shakey when walking the last few days.  He is also needing the oxygen again, having shortness of breath.  I would say he is eating fairly well, despite his swallowing issues.  He just has to eat slowly and it is mostly food with gravy or that is soft.  I'm trying to encourage Mike to eat every two hours...even setting the timer to go off to help remind him while I'm at work.  He did well most of today, until we got to dinner.  Then he didn't feel like any, but he did have a Boost shake.

I'm a little anxious about next weeks procedure with them putting Mike fully under.  I just will need to trust God to keep his blood pressure up.  Our son-in-law's father will be driving us, which will be a huge comfort to me.  I know I will have a lot on my mind that day, and don't need to be worrying about traffic, parking, etc.

We got a phone call from our caseworker for our medical insurance coverage for Mike late this afternoon.  She told Mike she almost has him approved to get the speech therapy, but needed to send it upstairs for one last approval.  That will be a huge answer to prayer if that happens.  I have also sent off a letter of reconsideration concerning some medical bills we received that we were told Mike wasn't fully covered for.

As far as life insurance goes, I have a couple of people looking over things to see if there is anything we can do, that we are entitled to, to continue coverage on Mike.  I've been told that insurance companies try to play hardball sometimes, thinking customers will just not fight back.  I'm not the "fighting" kind, but I have family and friends who are. ;)

Thank you for continuing to cover us in prayer.  We would appreciate prayer for Mike's health, that he will avoid any viruses or infections.  Please pray for Mike's weight to stablize and not drop any further.  That when this procedure is done next Tuesday, that Mike will come through it smoothly and there will be no problems with the anesthesia.  Also, because of Mike's ascites problem, we're going to have to take some extra measures to speed along the healing process with his new incision site.  It may be a little awkward for a few days, but necessary.  We pray that these medical and life insurance issues will be resolved in a timely and positive manner. 

We are totally blessed to have so many of you caring and praying for us.  Some days I'm just too tired to let you know personally, but every phone call, offer to help, or email to encourage us, has been such a blessing.

My mom called and told me that it was a very positive consultation with the surgeon. The surgeon had already made contact with the doctor that did dad's swallowing tests a few weeks ago, so he was aware that my dad's feeding tube would need to be put into his small intestine, rather than his stomach, since it's not working properly. So, the procedure is next Tuesday at 2pm. They will have to put him out for the procedure, but they don't feel it will be a problem with his blood pressure since it will be for such a brief time. It appears to have been a very good visit because the doctor was making comments about "bulking dad up". I'm relieved. I feel that dad will finally get the nutrition he needs and his body will be able to start functioning properly again...at least as much as it can. The holidays will hopefully go smoothly since we'll know he's getting the nutrition he needs and he can still eat whatever he wants to as well. YAY! Please continue to pray that my dad will avoid any illnesses and that this procedure will go smoothly next week and that he will begin to gain some weight and feel back to his normal self. Thank you for your continued prayers and support.

UPDATE:  We have an appointment tomorrow morning with a surgeon in LR to discuss the procedure. Thank you for your continued prayers.

Mike's weight has dropped down to 111 pounds.  We are going to see about getting a feeding tube today.  We would appreciate your prayers that the doctors and insurance company will agree to do this and not give us any other answer.

Difficulties

(The above photo was taken last year at Christmas)

I wanted to step in this evening and give you my perspective on how things are going with my dad. Most of you know that the last doctor's appointment went very well and we all were pleased with the news that his levels, tubes, and tumor appear to be stable at this time. Though we are overjoyed with that report, my parents and my family are still struggling with the side effects of my dad's illness. His lack of strength, his loss of weight, the development of new bedsores, the difficulty he's had focusing mentally since this summer...all of these aspects of my dad's struggle are still weighing us down.

It's not simply the physical aspects of cancer that can weigh you down, it's the emotional toll it takes on you and your entire family. Missing the life you once had....missing the simple joys of being a family without dealing with such a serious illness....it can wear you down over time. And it's been over two years now. Plus on top of that getting the run around from insurance companies and being denied the coverage you were promised you'd have. It's a complicated situation. On one hand we are so encouraged by the report that all appears to be fairly stable and then on the other hand we see my dad day in and day out and know that he's not rebounding like we pray he will. It has been such a roller-coaster ride.

Thank you to the friends and family who continue to come to this website to support us and pray with us. Please pray for both my mother and my father as they deal with the daily battles of simply going about life. Please pray that my dad will regain strength and weight so that he can do the things he enjoys. Please pray that his mind will become more alert and that he will be able to interact with friends and family the way he desires to. Please pray that somehow, someway the insurance companies will uphold their committments to my parents and that he will be able to receive the treatments he desperately needs. Please pray for my father's complete healing and that the way our family goes through this trial will glorify our Father in heaven.

In Christ,
Amber

Physically, Mike is doing okay.  He went to physical therapy this morning.  He hasn't had any vomiting episodes today.  He has eaten well and kept everything down (cream of wheat, clam chowder, a few boiled shrimp, a tiny portion of pot roast and gravy, and a tad of apple pie)

But, Mike is having some difficulty otherwise.  We both are. 

For Mike, the quality of life he feels he's living right now is weighing on him heavily.  Since July, he can do very little for himself anymore.  His strength is used up just shifting his body to get more comfortable.  Dressing, getting in and out of the car, even walking more than a few feet, takes the breath out of him. He's sad he doesn't have any energy to play with his grandsons. He hasn't been able to drum or work in his workshop.  He's realizing the ammonia level in his blood is causing him to not remember blocks of time, conversations, etc., and it's frightening him.  He's very down and some moments are incredibly difficult for both of us when he opens up and shares what he's feeling. 

Thank you for coming to our Blog and being committed to pray for us.  You are a blessing to Mike and I to interceed on our behalf.

Mike was doing well today...until he got sick to his stomach around 8 p.m.  We're not really sure what took place, because he was feeling well and had eaten a good dinner, but everything came up.  Following that, he was fine.  It wouldn't even be such a big deal if he wasn't so thin.  He just can't afford to do that.  I don't believe it is any virus since it came on suddenly, and left just as quickly.  There are no other symptoms.  So, I'm just going to trust he's fine and hope for even a better day tomorrow.

Thank you for checking in on Mike.  Knowing you visit here and care enough to pray for us, brings deep comfort.  We appreciate you so much!

Sonshines Blog..... Another Day!

Everything went smoothly today with Mike's minor procedure.  The stitches are redone now, and hopefully we'll be able to go a long ways on them and not have any leakage.

In describing to the doctor the issue concerning Mike's eyes dripping continous tears in the evening, he told us if the antibiotic eye medication wasn't helping, we need to see an eye doctor to check things out further.  Mike wants to wait it out, of course.

Mike only weighed 120.5 pounds on the clinics scale today. He is eating the best he can, especially when I'm home.  I try to make sure he is eating at least three meals a day, but it's always something with gravy or lots of liquid, that's the easiest for him to swallow.  I'm just going to need to be creative in getting him up and moving on days that I go to work so he doesn't sleep the morning away and skip breakfast.

I recieved some dissappointing news today from one of the insurance situations we're battling with.  There are actually three different insurance policies we're constantly dealing with.....#1 medical insurance (CHIP)  #2 long term disability insurance and #3 Mike's life insurance policy he had originally from Goody's.  The life insurance company is doing everything in their power to dissolve our policy with them...due to Goody's closing.  Of course you can imagine how important this is in our situation.  We have been paying high premiums to convert this policy and keep it.  They have strung us along for over several months now leading us to believe if we just do one more thing....everything will be taken care of. 

Well today, a person returned my call from last week.  I was inquiring why a check of mine hadn't cleared the bank and she let it out unofficially, that they were pretty sure they would refuse this request, due to a time frame issue.  They claim the policy needed to be in activation for five years to be converted.  I quickly spoke up and told them Mike had been with Goody's for 8 years.  They came back to me, saying Goody's didn't always have the same provider for that length of time.  She ended the conversation with me saying that the final decision would be decided by the manager, and I would receive a letter, or the return of our money.  I've done EVERYTHING they have asked me to do...and to end up with this.........  It's just exhausting!  What power do I have to go up against this kind of nonsense?!!  I'm just ready to lay it all down and walk away from it.  The stress from it all is just overwhelming me. 

On the medical insurance side of things, our caseworker is trying to work things out with approving Mike for speech therapy...although it feels more like she's just spinning her wheels and going nowhere.  I made another attempt to call this contact at the hospital and still was put into their voicemail and received no return call.  But...others are involving themselves, that might be able to help get something done..if nothing more than a return phone call.  I'm trying not to lose hope.

So...this is where we are at today.  We covet your prayers.

You might be thinking....FINALLY, an update!!!  To be completely honest, I haven't had trouble blogging.  I have had trouble sending what I have written and this post may end up the same way. 

There is a lot going on behind the scenes. I'm trying to come to terms with it all myself.  Being fully transparent is a little painful and uncomfortable at times.  But we depend on everyones prayers and support so much, and in order for you to know how to pray, we need to lay things out.

Mike is doing well, as far as tubes, infection and pain level go.  I'm so thankful for the blessings of all of those areas working well.  We are still having trouble with eating, swallowing, physical energy and endurance, cognitive thinking, coordination and outlook.  As we deal with all of these issues, we run into further hurdles such as time management, coping, etc.  We are becoming more comfortable with utilizing help better, such as wheelchairs/scooters, handicap parking places, letting things slide, etc.  You reach a point when pride has to be kicked to the side and you get a full lesson on humility.  

I'm frustrated dealing with insurance companies, medical professionals, and billing offices.  Everything seems to require a special explanation or it doesn't "qualify" for payment or coverage.  And how many signatures does it take to get a process going?  It almost feels at times that they are doing everything possible to mess me up, so that they can't be held responsible to do what we pay them good money to do.  Not only is my mind on the daily battles with Mike's health, but I'm also suppose to juggle all of these companies "policies" or "specifications", or I'm the one held at fault.  Why can't they get it, that I may have my mind on a million other things more important right now.

Mike really needs this speech therapy.  I'm to the point that I don't care how much it cost....he NEEDS it!  He can't swallow food and he is losing weight.  We're not talking about a spa treatment!  No one will call me back.  No one will give me a cash price.  I've been told several times it isn't covered by our insurance....but no one will help me get a cash price!  Insurance companies or hospital!  I'm so tired of fighting these kind of battles.  At least give me the courtesy of a return phone call. 

Tomorrow Mike has an appointment with our family doctor to have his abdominal tube stitched in tighter.  We're hoping we can get that leakage to stop.  We also hope to get help with why Mike's eyes are just pouring tears for no reason at all.  We have antibiotic eye drops, but there must be another problem going on.  We're also having some other issues developing due to Mike's ammonia level built up in his blood.  Those symptoms can be a little alarming because Mike can fade in and out of coherency.  They can bring on tremors, lack of coordination, excessive sleepiness, mind lapses, etc.  These moments can be some of the hardest for me to live with and deal with.  I'm never sure if Mike's okay to be left alone or not.

So, here I am again wondering if I should hit the button, "publish post", or hit "delete".  Is this really what everyone wants to know or hear?  I guess all I can answer, is that this is my life right now...and Mike's.  I hope it shares enough information for you to know how to keep praying for us, because God's mercy and your prayers are the only thing that have brought us this far.  We need that more than the medical help any professional could provide, or any insurance provider could issue to us.  It is helping us keep one foot in front of the other.  But boy would I give anything just to lay this nightmare aside and live normally again.  You can not believe how homesick I am for our old life.  To have one of Mike's big old bear hugs.  To dream and plan for our future together.  This weight hanging over our heads is heavy and exhausting.

An Update

After a long wait, we finally were able to see Mike's doctor and get the lab and CT scan report.  Long story, short-everything is doing well.  The tumor has remained the same size as it was in April, and there have been no other suspicious areas developing.  The scan did show that Mike had some pleural effusion pockets in both lungs but this wasn't any surprise.  His lungs sounded clear today.  The CT also showed quite a bit of ascites in Mike's abdomen, but again, not any surprise.  To help with the leakage problem we've had recently, we are going to start drawing off 2 liters of fluid each evening, instead of 1.  This should relieve the pressure and allieviate the leakage.

Mike's lab results were mostly good.  His ammonia level is a little elevated, as was his alkaline phosphates, but his other liver enzyme levels were good.

While discussing "tubes", we were asking if it was necessary for Mike to have his bililary drains replaced if there isn't any problem?  There has been no leakage, no redness, nothing!  We were told that Mike's bilirubin count was at .5 which was very good, so his body was eliminating the bile somehow.  So the topic came up about possibly doing a study and having the tubes taken out.  I could read Mike's face, and know more than anything, he would love to feel normal again...but...we've decided to just leave things as they are and to continue to let Mike's body heal following the last round of treatments he had.  If we were to have any outpatient procedures done, it would require Mike to fast again....and we certainly can't afford him losing anymore weight.  Perhaps when his body has strengthened and healed, it might be an option down the road.

There was indication on the scan that there could be a slight bacterial infection someway involving the stents in Mike's biliary ducts, but it was suggested that if Mike is doing well right now...just to leave good enough alone.  There was also some thickening in the ureter duct, suggesting that a stent might be helpful inserted there, but again, the doctor felt we should leave things alone...if they aren't an issue...which they don't seem to be.

Mike weighed 130 pounds according to their scale, so that has been an increase.  The bedsores are gone so his body is repairing itself and shows recovery.

All in all, it was a positive visit.  Thank you very much for all of your prayers and support.  This week we have had good news regarding both of our health, and we're so grateful for having such an army of family and friends praying for us.

We would appreciate your continued prayers for Mike's cancer to either completely disappear, or stay stable.  We would ask that you pray that Mike's body would continue to repair itself and the ascites situation would become less and less of an issue.  We would like to have his biliary tubes removed someday, if possible, so we pray that his body would continue to do this job on its own. We certainly need Mike stronger.  We need his muscles to rebuild.  We need his swallowing to improve.  Being that our insurance company refuses to help us in this area, we need for God to open a door for us, so that we can get Mike the care and help he needs.

Thank you for praying BIG.  For asking God with us, for the impossible. I'm reminded at this moment of a song I use to sing with my children when they were little....."My God is so BIG, so STRONG, and so MIGHTY, there's nothing my GOD cannot do!"